For All You Lovebirds Out There...

With all the problems and hard work that go along with it, why do we get married or commit our life to someone else?  What do we get out of it?
Most people answer this question with things like "to always be loved," "to have support and companionship," or "to have a partner and friend."
But one of the greatest benefits of being in a committed relationship is the one that most people don't utilize: Being a mirror to your spouse.

Something that we can never do as individuals is see ourselves as other people see us.  However, we get this opportunity through a relationship with someone who knows us better than anyone and where we are secure in their love, even when they point out our weaknesses.  So, being a mirror to your partner means showing them the things that are great about them, as well as the things that they could do better at. 

Obviously, the first part is much easier than the second, but the good and the bad go hand-in-hand.  We tend to avoid anything "negative" - hearing or telling - but without taking advantage of the amazing opportunity to get feedback through the eyes of love, we can never grow or develop to our maximum potential.  I believe that you are doing a great disservice to your spouse if you do not occasionally gently show them ways that they could improve.  This could include an annoying habit, an awkward social situation, a weak personality trait, underutilizing a strength, or even the need to lose weight or be healthier.

Haven't you ever looked at someone and thought "Why doesn't someone just tell them...?"  I feel that this is a big part of my job as a therapist - to give my clients honest, yet loving, feedback about how they're coming across to others - and they are always very grateful for it, because most people won't just tell us these things that could help us so much because they're afraid to hurt us. But, really, who better to tell us then the one who loves us most?

I have seen far too many marriages where starting off, the spouses think that the best way to stay happy is to overlook problems and only be positive. Then, 10 or 15 years down the road, little issues left unspoken have compounded into much bigger things, and now no one knows how to even begin to approach it. Plus, we don't always realize that brushing over things is a form of dishonesty, so always trying to be "nice" ultimately leads to a lack of trust.  As long as you maintain the general ratio of 10% criticism to 90% praise, you can feel confident that you're not being too harsh.

In order to have such a rewarding relationship, you must first feel secure enough in your love to know that criticisms from your partner are coming from a place of love, truly wanting to help you be a better person, rather than an attack.  Both people must mutually accept that they are each imperfect, and have chosen to love each other knowing their imperfections, but want to strive together to always try to be better.  They must both internalize that their weaknesses are just the natural hurdles of life to keep you on your toes, and not potential dealbreakers.  Of course, this does not include damaging problems, like anger or drug or sexual addiction.  For those considering marriage, if you do not feel this type of security with your partner, then consider that a red flag.

However, even if you are at this level with your partner, you still must learn how to present criticisms in a way that will make them as easy as possible to hear. 

• Always accompany criticism with praise. 
• Keep it light - Use a tone that implies that this is just a minor fix, and not a huge character flaw.
• Mention your own struggles in the same conversation.
• Hug and kiss.
• Reiterate that you love them for always trying to be better.

So, if you have big relationship issues, get those solved first before you even attempt this.  But if your relationship is already pretty good, start to make it great by having a conversation with your spouse about being better critics to each other.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Elton John had it so right - Apologizing is tough!

Saying "Sorry" in a meaningful way is a skill that takes practice, but something that every relationship could use more of.  We are usually very quick to want an apology when we feel that we are owed one, but very slow to give one when we're at fault.  Why?  Because most of us just don't know how to do it well while also protecting our own egos.  As children we are taught to apologize, but it's usually a quick "I'm sorry" with little meaning or follow-up, and often accompanied by a dramatic eye roll. 
Here's a guide to teaching yourself as an adult to become a better apologizer:

-Start off slowly - First, just become comfortable with admitting that you're wrong.  
I had a really tough time with this myself, so I took baby steps.  Start by finding small, relatively insignificant things that you can apologize for: "I'm sorry that: I wasn't able to clean the house today, I forgot to let you know that I had to stay late tonight, I was distracted while you were trying to talk to me, etc..."  At first, just saying the words "I'm sorry" is going to take a lot of forced effort, but the more you do it, the easier it will come.  You may even want to start off by writing it in an email or letter. 

-Begin to realize what you should apologize for - it seems obvious, but is not always to the unpracticed apologizer. As you force yourself to find the little things that you can use for practice, you will quickly realize how many situations in life can be quickly smoothed over with an apology.

-Apologies are ALWAYS awkward, so try to minimize the awkwardness as much as possible. 
If you haven't been a good apologizer up to now, people are going to be a little surprised at first.  Go into it expecting to get weird looks or sarcastic responses the first few times, and remember that it's as different for them as it is for you, so they're just not sure how to react initially.  However, even when it becomes more frequent, people are never quite sure how to react to an apology, so I always try to follow it up with some humor, or change the topic pretty quickly.  Remember, just acknowledging that you were wrong is usually enough - it doesn't always have to be a long, drawn out conversation. 

-BUT, always make it meaningful. 
Even quick, simple apologies should let the person know that you really are sorry and you sincerely will try to do better.  Make sure that you look them in the eyes and maybe hold their hands or include a hug and kiss.  Use a sincere tone of voice - not like when you were a kid and were only sorry that you got caught!

-Learn that apologizing is actually a way to get what you want.
When you are quick to apologize, the people around you will naturally follow suit.  If no one ever apologizes, then the person who steps out and does it becomes the weak one, but once one person softens themselves, then everyone else can easily admit that they're wrong without having their egos threatened.  We have all experienced the awkward stand-off where both people know that they should apologize but neither wants to be the first one.  Don't be afraid to be the first one to give in, because ultimately you're the one who's making things better for everyone.  This is something that you have to think about for a while to really wrap your mind around.

In addition, when you apologize for the shortcomings that are yours to take responsibility for, then you can fairly make requests of what you would like the other person to acknowledge.  Example: "I'm really sorry that I've been missing a lot of important things lately, but I am pretty busy right now so I really need you to tell me ahead of time so I can plan in advance."  The "blame game" that I talk about so frequently can't happen when one person readily admits their own faults, so by doing so, you automatically create productive conversation that will give you results. 

-Remember that you don't have to receive forgiveness. 
The purpose of apologizing is to prove that you have gained insight about yourself and want to acknowledge your weaknesses.  It is NOT begging someone to love you.  Don't become a martyr and use apologizing to get the other person to reassure you.

-Once you have become comfortable with apologizing, slowly start to go deeper. 
Begin apologizing for bigger things, like the damage you caused when you were drinking too much, or the fact that you always tend to be too critical.  Conversations like this require sitting down face-to-face and really putting emotion behind what you're saying, but they create major healing and deep connection in relationships.  Fights will always happen, but if they're followed up with a good apology, then they will lead to growth rather than harm.

Quick Tip: Taking Walks

There is one very simple "prescription" that I give for EVERY relationship - parent and child, brother and sister, husband and wife, friends... - Any relationship can benefit from taking walks together.

It sounds almost silly, but I have seen the simple act of taking walks together make huge changes in relationships, and I strongly recommend this to be the first 'step' you take - whether your relationship is good and you want it better, or bad and you want to fix it - and something that you always continue to do.

Here's why taking a walk together is so great:

• Anyone can do it - Walking is easy and can be done to some degree by any age or ability level.
• It's Free - Even if you can't afford therapy or date nights, you can go on walks.
• Fits into any time schedule - You can walk for 10 minutes, go on a long hike, or anything in between.
• It's exercise, and we all need more of that.
• It gets you out of the house and away from the TV.
• It's relaxing and relieves stress.
• It is the perfect setting for good talks - No distractions.

Walking can also be a replacement for eating out together, which seems to be the #1 way that most of us connect with people, but is usually expensive and unhealthy. 

I don't know of anything else that has so many benefits wrapped up into one simple package.  It's really just foolish not to make walking a part of your life.

 

So, if you want to do something RIGHT NOW - excuse free - to improve a relationship in your life, Take A Walk!  Go to the beach, the park, around your neighborhood, or even around the shopping mall if the weather is bad.  You'll be on the path to success! 

Looking Out For Numero Uno: How To Win Friends and Influence People

People often ask me for book recommendations, and I have many, but there is no relationship book that I regard more highly than
How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.
My parents read this book to me when I was just old enough to understand it and would often reference it whenever I had people problems, but it continues to be the primary influence on my work as a relationship therapist.  This book is a MUST READ for anyone - It contains so much valuable information about dealing with people and will definitely make your life better in many ways.

How To Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1936, but every word is just as applicable today.  It has had astronomical success over the years and almost everyone has read it or at least heard of it, but it still seems like few people actually practice Carnegie's advice. 

It's impossible for me to even begin to cover all of the great points in the book, but I think the overall idea is learning how to get what you want out of the relationships in your life, and that's why I love it so much - I also believe that successful relationships happen when you focus on getting what you want, but that idea seems counterintuitive to most people.  Why?

One reason is because we are all taught from childhood that looking out for our own self-interests is generally selfish, but this is one of the worst things that we could ever believe.  Of course, if you are completely self-absorbed and never do anything for anyone else, then that's obviously a problem.  That's a rare situation though, and more often we grow up to become mothers who neglect themselves to try to do everything and more for their children, fathers who work overtime to make more money but then never see their families or pursue their hobbies, wives who have been eating at Sizzler for years because their husbands like steak but they dream of chinese food, friends who answer every call for help yet still feel lonely in their time of need, and employees who skip our children's birthday parties because we think that our boss needs us more.  Get the point?

You've heard all this before - not getting what you want out of life ultimately leads to unhappiness, even if you don't like to admit it.  Yet most of us STILL won't or don't know how to ask for what we want and get it.

Dale Carnegie teaches us that the way to get what YOU want out of a relationship is to first give the other person what THEY want.  I think to many of us, this may seem like a sleazy car salesman strategy at first glance, but the reality is that following this method allows everyone to get what they want, and when everyone gets what they want, everyone is happy and you don't have to feel that you're being selfish.

Here's a quick example: When I go shopping at Costco, the wholesale warehouse store, I really like my husband to go with me to carry all the big items and move them from the cart to the car and then into the house.  However, there are about 500 things that he would rather do with his day off, but he does love the giant churros, pizza and soda that they sell there at the cafe.  I used to drag him along mumbling and groaning through the whole store, and then he would get his treats after we checked out.  Finally, it dawned on me that a better way would be to get him his snacks as soon as we got there.  Now, he gets immediate gratification and munches and sips happily all the way through the store as I take my time getting the things I want.

At this point, I always hear from my clients: "But I shouldn't have to manipulate people!  They should just want to do things to make me happy because they love me."  And here I say: How does it seem selfish to try to get what you want, but not selfish to expect other people to do things for you without giving them anything in return?  Doesn't make sense when you think about it logically!  Figuring out a way to make everyone happy is certainly not manipulating them - it's caring about them too!

Sometimes, all people really want is respect, courtesy or attention.  This is primarily what Dale Carnegie focuses on, and it is truly an art to learn.  Last year my husband and I were trying to get to New York during one of the worst snow storms of the year.  Most flights on the east coast had been cancelled, and the airports were filled with angry people shouting at airline employees and threatening them.  Though I was frustrated too, I reminded myself that the weather was out of anyone's control and that the airlines wanted those flights out just as much as we did, so I remained very calm and treated the ticketing agent with respect and courtesy, and acknowledged what he must have been going through that night.  Sure enough, we were rerouted to our destination and given first class tickets on the only flight going out that night, when many others had just been turned away.

If you haven't read this book yet, you are really doing yourself a disservice.  If you have, read it again every now and then to brush up on your people skills.  And if you've also had a great experience using some of Dale Carnegie's wisdom, comment here or on the Facebook page and tell us about it!

How Much Is Too Much? Laying Down The Line By Having Good Boundaries

"Boundaries" is a word that gets tossed around my office a lot when people are talking about their relationships, but it seems to be a point of much confusion.  I have found that most people generally know when someone has poor boundaries or when their boundaries have been violated, but they usually can't define exactly what "having good boundaries" means.    
Boundaries are important in every relationship, from the most casual to the most serious, but what are they?  What does having good boundaries mean? 

Boundaries are basically rules that protect relationships by making everyone involved feel comfortable.  They can be spoken or unspoken.  Having good boundaries means not allowing other people to become too enmeshed in your life - to be close to you, but not too close

Having good boundaries includes: 

• Not continually responding when someone is too needy - setting limits on how much time and energy we give.
• Keeping professional relationships professional.
• Not telling too much too soon and not asking personal questions when we've just met someone.
• As adults, not allowing our parents to continue to dictate how we should live our lives.
• Ensuring that you and your spouse both have some alone time periodically.
• Not trying to be everyone's free therapist.
• Being reasonable about the number of family gatherings/events that you attend.
• Not sharing intimate details without the involved person's knowledge or consent.
• If you are in a serious relationship, being cautious about your interactions with friends of the opposite sex.

If you feel overwhelmed by someone or feel uncomfortable with their level of involvement in your life, then you have poor boundaries.  WAIT!! - Isn't it the other person that has poor boundaries??  Remember, both sides are to blame - so even though the other person is the one overstepping the boundary, you are also at fault if you allow them to do it.  We can't control what other people do, but we can control what we allow in our lives.

So, in order to set good boundaries, you must be a strong and confident person.  If you worry a lot about other people liking you, then you will usually go to any length to do what they want and stay in their lives and keep them in yours, which usually means letting down your boundaries.  Of course, the other extreme is being arrogant and pushing everyone away, so the trick is to find the happy middle ground of being a warm, generous and approachable person, but also maintaining good boundaries.

Ironically, when people have poor boundaries they are usually trying to bring people closer to them, but actually, too much involvement always ends up driving people away.  A good way to ensure success with someone whom you have to set boundaries with is to find other ways to reassure them that you care about them and will stay in their life.

I have also found that writing boundaries down on paper can be really helpful.
If you are setting boundaries for yourself, it will force you to really think about what terms you want to put on different relationships in your life to make yourself more comfortable, and then you will have a visual reminder whenever you find it difficult to say "no" or hold your ground. 
If you are setting boundaries that involve another person, then writing them down is also helpful to be sure that everyone's on the same page and in agreement.  For example, you and your spouse could sit down and come up with ways that you can maintain friendships with the opposite sex, yet have both of you feel comfortable with it.  Or, if you're dealing with a particularly invasive person, then you might sit with them and write down, so that there are no confusions, exactly what you will and will not do for them in the future. 

Too much of anything is never good.  Protect your relationships by keeping them in check with good boundaries.

Quick Tip: Being Fully Present - A Great Gift To Give

One thing we can all do to improve our relationships is to be more fully present with each other.  This is much easier said than done, but with our busy pace of life, it is something that we should all constantly work harder at.

Being fully present with each other means temporarily getting rid of distractions and turning our full attention towards the interaction with the other person, whether on the phone or face-to-face.  It also means being aware of our own state of mind, and letting the other person know if we are not in a place to be fully present for them.  Being present increases the quality of our interactions and makes us feel connected.

Do you find yourself...

• Doing other things while talking on the phone and missing some of the content of the conversation?
• Doing activities that should be fun but not really fully enjoying it because you have things on your mind?
• Frequently checking your phone for messages from other people while you're spending time with someone else?
• Half-listening to your children while you try to clean-up and get dinner ready?
• Trying to stay in touch with work while you take your kids to the park or go on a family vacation?
• Always looking forward to the next thing, and then realizing that you missed what you already had?
• Trying to multi-task at work but then getting bad customer service reviews?
• Constantly hearing from people, "you never listen to a word I say!" or "I already told you that twice"?
• Answering phone calls from people that you feel obligated to talk to, but then trying to get them off the phone as quickly as possible?

With cell phones, email, text messaging, internet social networking, and Skype, we are now able to have a higher QUANTITY of relationships than ever before, but the QUALITY of our relationships has dropped significantly.  By trying to focus on only one person at a time, we will feel more connected than by attempting to be in touch with our whole social network everyday.  Also, our relationships will be more successful if we give each one small periods of time when we're 100% present, rather than giving them 50% of our attention all the time.

Here are some tricks that have helped me:

• When you're on the phone, move to a place where there are no distractions.
• Move away from any screens - TV or computer
• If it's going to be a long conversation, only do things that you know won't distract you (don't require any thought)
• If you have things on your mind and are quiet or distracted, let the people around you know - "I'm sorry that I'm preoccupied right now.  I'm just thinking about my upcoming presentation and I'm probably going to be stressed out until it's over."
• Don't try to cram things in.
• If your friend wants to do lunch on a day that's really busy for you, rather than trying to meet quickly, reschedule for a day when you can sit down, relax and enjoy.
• Don't try to attend a wedding and a funeral in one day if you're going to leave one early and arrive at one late.  Choose the most important and be there the whole time.
• Before you go on an outing or vacation, get your working project to a place where you can not think about it for a while.
• If it means leaving an hour later to finish the cleaning project that you've been working on all afternoon, you will have less time together, but you will be fully present during that time and not anxious to get home to finish it. 
• Stop yourself from saying (or thinking) "Things will be better when..." 
• Enjoy what you have now - Sure it will be great when you have more money and can go to a fancy restaurant, but you can have just as much fun tonight at Pizza Hut, if you're fully present with the people around you.
• Learn to say "No".  To be fully present, it's impossible to say yes to everything - Sacrifice quantity for quality.
• It's hard to tell people No, but they will appreciate not counting on you and then getting a half-hearted effort.  Then, you can do something else for them later when you will be 100% present, and they will respect you even more.
• For big or small discussions, let the other person know if you're not hearing them.
• If someone starts to tell you something important and you're not in the mood to be a great listener, say "I know this is important and I really want to hear it, but I just got home and I need a few minutes to unwind first."
• If someone is telling you something not so serious but you know that you'll forget - "Let me get my calendar in front of me first or I'll never remember this!"  or "Ok, but tell me again when I can write it down."
• Use Caller ID - Don't answer someone's call unless you're in a place to talk to them.
• If it's your aunt who you know wants to spend an hour just catching up on family news, call her back when you can give her that hour, and don't do it everyday.
• There's no sense in answering the phone in a store or restaurant, just to say "let me call you back."  Just stay focused on what you're doing, let it go to voicemail, and then call back when you can be focused on the call.

You've heard it before - Slowing down and simplifying actually makes a richer, more fulfilling life.  Don't waste any more time being too busy.  Make today the day that you actually give it a try.  



  

The Marriage Ref

Tonight is the series premiere of Jerry Seinfeld's new show, The Marriage Ref, and we are already hearing a lot of buzz about it.  The concept is that real couples each get to present their sides to some ongoing argument or problem that they have, and then the ref, with help from a panel of celebrity judges, will make a decision on who's right and who's wrong.  We already got a sneak peek last Sunday night, and anyone who's married is definitely going to think that this show is hilarious.

The reason that this show is so funny, as Jerry Seinfeld has explained in various interviews this week, is because couples always wish that there could be a definitive solution to their problems - one person is right, and one person is wrong, so then that person changes - but in reality, we all know that things just don't work that way.   

As a therapist, I'm very excited for this show because The Marriage Ref, through humor, kindly shows us the ridiculousness of playing what I call "The Blame Game", which is the biggest set-back that most couples face.  In my office, I have spent hours and hours watching couples trying to resolve their problems by fighting about who is the bigger bad guy, because our instinct tells us that if we can determine that, then one person will be off the hook for having to change their ways. This is exactly the premise of the show, and in fact, many people come to couples counseling expecting the therapist to be a marriage ref and determine a winner. 

Unfortunately, in real life, trying to figure out which spouse is to blame for various relationship problems is a huge waste of time and energy.  No one ever wins "the blame game" because no matter how good your argument or evidence is, the other person is never going to back down and admit that it's all their fault.  More so, they are never going to change because you think they should.  

During their appearance on Oprah this week, Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa gave a glossary of terms that they made up for things that happen during fights between spouses, including bringing up long-past incidents, and saying "Well at least I'm not...". 
You can read it here:  http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Tom-Papa-and-Jerry-Seinfelds-Marriage-Glossary
These are classic illustrations of "the blame game", and again, these things are really funny because they're really so true - we just don't realize in the moment when we're having an argument how silly many of the things that we do and say are.  I'm sure you will recognize yourself having done at least one of these.

It's hard to understand and accept, but people in successful marriages come to realize that every problem has responsibility on both sides.  Sometimes, your responsibility in a problem is just the fact that you put up with the behavior, but even this puts some blame on your shoulders too.  So, rather than wishing that you could have a marriage ref in your own home, a better use of your time and energy is to focus on figuring out what role YOU play in the problems, and then changing yourself.  Ultimately, that's the only person that you have the power to change anyway.