Trust Me...

Now I’m going to tackle the golden egg of relationship issues – Trust.

What I’m going to say here is controversial – I know that – but as with everything that I write, you do not have to agree with me, but at least open your mind and use my thoughts as a tool to gain a new perspective on your own. And please, leave your own feedback so that others can benefit from that also.

We all know that ANY relationship – spouse, children and parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, even extended family members – cannot exist without some degree of trust. I spend hours and hours talking about trust in my office, because broken trust is one of the biggest problems that brings people to therapy. It’s a big deal - just as important as communication. When someone says “You’ve broken my trust in you,” you KNOW things are serious. However, there is a second side to trust that is almost never talked about.

When we hear the word ‘trust’ we automatically think of honesty, because being trustworthy means being honest and forthcoming, even when you’ve done something that the other person isn’t going to be too happy about. It also means acting as we know that our spouse, parent, friend, boss, etc. would want us to act, even when they aren’t around to know.

In essence, when someone says “I trust you,” it means “I trust you to do what you know you should to keep this relationship good, or tell me about it if you mess up,” because we all do mess up now and then.

That being a known fact – that everyone will screw up multiple times throughout the life of the relationship – I argue that the second side of trust is being able to say back “And I trust you to make it as easy as possible for me to be trustworthy.” In other words, on the receiving end you are also responsible for maintaining trust in the relationship by being gentle and rational when the person upholds your trust by telling you something that you don’t want to hear.

I firmly believe that everyone in your life WILL do bad things – that’s being human – and you have the CHOICE to either know about those things, or not know about them, based on your reaction.

If your husband went to a strip club with his friends during a bachelor party and he knows that he can come home and tell you all about it and you will be objective, understanding, and forgiving, you will most likely get to hear everything that happened there, even though some of it makes you cringe. And though you disapprove of him going in the first place, you will certainly be much happier knowing about it. On the other hand, if he knows that going home and telling you this will result in you listening with an angry expression on your face, instantly questioning him suspiciously, and then giving him the silent treatment for three days, he’s understandably more likely to just tell you that they were go-kart racing and hide the whole thing to make things easier.

Same with parents and children – If your teenager tried drugs at a party and knows that you will flip out if you find out, even if he had a horrible experience and decided independently never to touch them again, he probably won’t ever tell you about it. However, if he knows that you will be calm and understanding, he will likely come to you to share his experience and you will be able to have a great conversation and be a much more effective parent then simply instilling fear of punishment in your child.

So, in this way, maintaining trust in a relationship involves both being trustworthy AND encouraging trustworthiness. I do believe that there is much more weight on the being trustworthy end, because ultimately when you are the person who has done wrong, you should take responsibility for being honest and forthcoming, even when you know it’s going to have a bad result. That being said though, it is also completely understandable to me why someone would start to become dishonest when honesty repeatedly gets them berated and belittled by someone who is also flawed.

The fear is that responding in a more gentle, non-reactive way might send the message that what the person did is ok and will encourage them to do even more bad things, because it is contrary to our instinct to show people, very clearly, our disapproval of their bad behavior. However, you want to TELL, NOT SHOW, the person that you are unhappy. When you respond in an objective way, rather than an emotionally reactive way, it flings open the door for conversation, and it is then that you can effectively and thoroughly discuss the behavior – a much more lasting effect than just showing the person that you don’t approve by punishing them with your reaction.

The key to this second side of trust is fully understanding and adopting the attitude that we all mess up, though maybe in different ways. Trusting someone should not mean that you trust them to be perfect. No matter how much someone loves you, they are not going to do what you want them to do 100% of the time, and neither are you, so you can help each other maintain trust in the relationship by making it clear that though you will want to talk problems through, you will not overreact when bad things do happen.