Trust Me...

Now I’m going to tackle the golden egg of relationship issues – Trust.

What I’m going to say here is controversial – I know that – but as with everything that I write, you do not have to agree with me, but at least open your mind and use my thoughts as a tool to gain a new perspective on your own. And please, leave your own feedback so that others can benefit from that also.

We all know that ANY relationship – spouse, children and parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, even extended family members – cannot exist without some degree of trust. I spend hours and hours talking about trust in my office, because broken trust is one of the biggest problems that brings people to therapy. It’s a big deal - just as important as communication. When someone says “You’ve broken my trust in you,” you KNOW things are serious. However, there is a second side to trust that is almost never talked about.

When we hear the word ‘trust’ we automatically think of honesty, because being trustworthy means being honest and forthcoming, even when you’ve done something that the other person isn’t going to be too happy about. It also means acting as we know that our spouse, parent, friend, boss, etc. would want us to act, even when they aren’t around to know.

In essence, when someone says “I trust you,” it means “I trust you to do what you know you should to keep this relationship good, or tell me about it if you mess up,” because we all do mess up now and then.

That being a known fact – that everyone will screw up multiple times throughout the life of the relationship – I argue that the second side of trust is being able to say back “And I trust you to make it as easy as possible for me to be trustworthy.” In other words, on the receiving end you are also responsible for maintaining trust in the relationship by being gentle and rational when the person upholds your trust by telling you something that you don’t want to hear.

I firmly believe that everyone in your life WILL do bad things – that’s being human – and you have the CHOICE to either know about those things, or not know about them, based on your reaction.

If your husband went to a strip club with his friends during a bachelor party and he knows that he can come home and tell you all about it and you will be objective, understanding, and forgiving, you will most likely get to hear everything that happened there, even though some of it makes you cringe. And though you disapprove of him going in the first place, you will certainly be much happier knowing about it. On the other hand, if he knows that going home and telling you this will result in you listening with an angry expression on your face, instantly questioning him suspiciously, and then giving him the silent treatment for three days, he’s understandably more likely to just tell you that they were go-kart racing and hide the whole thing to make things easier.

Same with parents and children – If your teenager tried drugs at a party and knows that you will flip out if you find out, even if he had a horrible experience and decided independently never to touch them again, he probably won’t ever tell you about it. However, if he knows that you will be calm and understanding, he will likely come to you to share his experience and you will be able to have a great conversation and be a much more effective parent then simply instilling fear of punishment in your child.

So, in this way, maintaining trust in a relationship involves both being trustworthy AND encouraging trustworthiness. I do believe that there is much more weight on the being trustworthy end, because ultimately when you are the person who has done wrong, you should take responsibility for being honest and forthcoming, even when you know it’s going to have a bad result. That being said though, it is also completely understandable to me why someone would start to become dishonest when honesty repeatedly gets them berated and belittled by someone who is also flawed.

The fear is that responding in a more gentle, non-reactive way might send the message that what the person did is ok and will encourage them to do even more bad things, because it is contrary to our instinct to show people, very clearly, our disapproval of their bad behavior. However, you want to TELL, NOT SHOW, the person that you are unhappy. When you respond in an objective way, rather than an emotionally reactive way, it flings open the door for conversation, and it is then that you can effectively and thoroughly discuss the behavior – a much more lasting effect than just showing the person that you don’t approve by punishing them with your reaction.

The key to this second side of trust is fully understanding and adopting the attitude that we all mess up, though maybe in different ways. Trusting someone should not mean that you trust them to be perfect. No matter how much someone loves you, they are not going to do what you want them to do 100% of the time, and neither are you, so you can help each other maintain trust in the relationship by making it clear that though you will want to talk problems through, you will not overreact when bad things do happen.

Quick Tip: Tone of Voice and Word Choice

Have you listened to YOURSELF lately??

One of my biggest tasks as a relationship therapist is coaching people on their tone of voice and word choice when communicating with those they love. These seem like minor details compared to the content of what we’re saying, but the truth is that they make the biggest impact on the listener. Most of us don’t pay attention to tone of voice and word choice as much as we should, and we especially don’t notice how much we fall into patterns or take after our parents or other strong influencers in our lives.

Here are some basic rules that you’ve probably heard before, but I really encourage you to check yourself often on these points:

Tone of Voice:

Do you tend to use a sarcastic, threatening, demeaning, bored, irritated, hurried, or otherwise negative tone of voice to convey something that you wouldn’t say in words? If so, try to break your patterns by thinking twice before you respond.

If not, do you make an effort to use a calm, warm, genuinely caring, patient, and loving tone of voice, especially when talking about something serious, touchy or important? Almost all of us can do better at this. Really think about how you can convey warmth to the person - no matter what words are coming out of your mouth. Some of this will also come from your facial expressions, posture, gestures, and eye contact. For a much more detailed explanation of this, see this past blog post:

We Need To Talk...

Word Choice:

Use “I” Statements

Using “I” statements simply means talking about how YOU feel (something you are an expert at), rather than telling the other person what THEY think and feel (something you really don’t know). This is a good rule to help keep the conversation non-threatening and non-judgmental so that progress will actually be made, instead of just falling into the blame game.

Bad: “You always criticize me in front of the kids. You better stop or I’m going to start criticizing you too.”

Good: “I often feel like you are criticizing me in front of the kids, and I’d like to talk about how we can change that.”

See how nasty the word “you” can sound when it’s thrown at you? The word “you” instantly causes the person to become defensive, whereas the word “I” invites conversation. Also, saying that you “feel” like something is happening rather than just proclaiming that it is happening demands conversation rather than fighting, because a person can always argue about what they do or feel, but they cannot argue about how you feel.

Asking Questions

We make far too many statements when we talk to people and don’t ask nearly enough questions. Questions can be a very powerful tool to get your point across in a peaceful manner, and a lot of the time you really don’t know all of the facts behind the problem, so you need to find out before you can make an effective judgment.

Bad: “You need to take out the trash! I’m so tired of having to remind you!”

Good: “Why do you seem to always forget to take out the trash?”

          “Is there anything that we can do differently to help you remember?”

          “What do you think would be a fair response from me in the future if you keep forgetting?”

I think it’s quite obvious which one of these conversations is going to get better results.

When the other person is asked for his point of view, he feels really cared about and able to express his thoughts and opinions, which automatically makes him more receptive to yours, and more accountable for his actions.

Keeping Statements Real – Avoiding Dramatic Accusations

Bad: “You’re always so selfish! You never think of me!”

Obviously no one is ALWAYS selfish and it is impossible to NEVER think of someone in your life. So, a more rational way to voice this concern (that is more than an occasional problem) would be:

Good: “I often feel like you behave selfishly and don’t consider me. I believe that you’re a caring person, so why is it coming across like that?”

Again, adding a question opens the door to productive conversation, rather than just making an offensive statement and then leaving the person to defend themself.

Also, did you notice the “you” and “I” statements again in this example??)

Always Combine Many Positive Statements with a Few Negative Statements

Our tendency as humans is to have extreme thinking, so when someone tells us something that needs to be improved, we automatically start to feel like it’s all bad. If you need to raise an issue with someone, it helps to remind them that you’re happy with many things about them, and this issue is just a small part of the total picture. Also, always chase criticism with compliments, not the other way around. No one likes to hear the dreaded “I love you, BUT…”

Bad: “You have been more on time lately, but you’re still irresponsible with the kids, chores and money.”

Good: “I’d like to talk to you again about taking on more responsibility in our home. I’ve noticed that you’ve really made an improvement in being more on time lately and showing me more affection – both things that I’ve really appreciated - so I know that you will also do better with just a few other issues.”

This isn’t sugar-coating the issue – you should only say things that you really feel are positive; It’s just helping yourself get the results that you want by keeping things in perspective (we all have strengths and weaknesses) rather than attacking the person and making them defensive instead of receptive.

These changes will make a HUGE impact on how others respond to you, but as I said before, making them often entails reversing long-established patterns or going against what you’ve always known in others around you. And that’s where the challenge lies.

When I coach clients in my office on these changes in tone of voice and word choice, they always wisely point out that the good examples take a lot more time than the bad examples, or “the way people usually say things.” This is very true – it does require you to sit down and have a little bit longer conversation. However, using effective communication means that you will get more satisfying, longer-lasting results with just one conversation, rather than having the same talk about the same issues over and over again. So, when you look at the big picture, being conscious of tone of voice and word choice really is a timesaver.

Another thing I often hear from clients: “Well, that’s just not how I talk. My family would be blown away if they heard me talk like that.” This also is a very true statement, and to that I say, it seems that the way you talk now hasn’t been working out the best for you, so it’s probably a good thing to step out of your comfort zone and try something new.

The way people will react IS a valid concern, because it WILL throw them for a loop when you first start talking in a more loving way and they WILL usually question you, mock you, or doubt that you’re sincere. However, after the initial shock wears off and they see that you are serious about doing better, it is also guaranteed that they will love you much more and you will have more peace between yourselves.

Change Is In The Air

Hello again! I took a break from blogging during the summer, but I finally completed the last part of my education and am now officially Dr. Malia.

Did you all have a great summer and lots of good times with family and friends?

Tomorrow is Labor Day, which marks the end of summer and the beginning of the season of change – changing leaves and temperatures, but also kids going back to school, and adults getting a little more settled into routine. The coming of fall seems to be a natural time for self-reflection and reevaluation, so I think it’s also a great time to think about change within ourselves and change in our relationships.

Change can be very scary. I often hear from people that they know that they NEED to change, but they don’t know HOW to make change. Here’s my 4-step plan to help you get on the right path:

1. Accept That Change Is Hard – For Everyone

It’s a simple statement, but it carries a lot of meaning for how to approach change. Here’s a
graph that I often draw for my clients:When our life is going downhill, it’s usually in a very straight line. So naturally, we expect change to be the same way going up. However, when we are trying to climb back uphill, it never is a straight shot. We do a little better, then we fail, then we do a little better, then we fall again – again and again, but as long as the general direction is up, we’re making good progress.

Don’t feel too discouraged when you have these downward dips, or else you’ll give up completely. As you’re trying to make change, you have to keep your expectations and assessments of yourself realistic, acknowledging this principle – that change is hard.

2. Start Noticing Problem Patterns

As I said, we usually know WHEN we need to make change, but when it comes right down to it, most people don’t know exactly WHAT needs to be changed. The first step is to figure this out by observing what exactly is going wrong. The easiest way to do this is by noticing patterns.

I had a father and son in my office the other day telling me about several big fights that they’ve had over the past month. As I was listening, I realized that all of the things that they were fighting about were problems that were out of their control – somebody being nasty at work, a pipe bursting in the house, getting sick, etc. Whenever something like this happened, they would start playing the blame game, trying to place blame on each other in a bad attempt to feel in control. On the flip side, problems that they really were in control of were usually resolved fairly peacefully. Once I pointed this pattern out to them and they were able to start to recognize it, they were on the road to change.

3. Seek Further Information

Change is especially hard to do on your own – that’s why we therapists are in business. It’s a hard thing to admit, but if you need to make a change, it means that you’re failing at something. So, find support from people who have been successful with that particular thing: Read self-help books or articles, find TV programs on the topic, talk to friends, family and professionals, attend lectures or seminars, and look up info on the web. Get as much information as you can to make the best change possible. A common mistake people make is finding solace in others who have the same weakness, but the reality is that you don’t need to know what NOT to do – you’ve already got that down- you need to know more about what TO do.

4. Begin Putting Effort Into The Change

The success of your change will be directly related to the amount of personal motivation that you have. If the change isn’t going to make that much difference in your life, then progress will be slow. However, if it’s a matter of life-or-death, you’ll find that change is much quicker. Unfortunately for a lot of us, motivation for change doesn’t come until things have gotten really bad.

For this reason, once you start implementing changes in your life, it’s very important to “keep your eye on the prize,” or keep yourself motivated. Do this by constantly thinking about how much better things are going to be once you’ve gotten through the hard part of actually making the change. You might hang up pictures that represent your ideal self or ideal life. It’s also important to have praise and smaller rewards along the way, which you may get from people around you or you may have to give yourself.

Once you find success, be sure to remember what methods worked for you so that you can then apply those strategies to other changes. No matter how many changes we make we will have to continue to make more changes for the rest of our lives, so it’s worthwhile to get good at it to make it as easy as possible.

Making Family Time = Fun Time

Are you spending some good, quality family time this summer? 

With kids out of school, reunions, trips, weddings, and cook-outs, summer tends to include a lot more family togetherness - which is great - but we all know that it can also be draining.

Here are some tips to keep together time from becoming overwhelming:

• Take care of yourself.
• The tendency during family time is to go along with whatever the group wants to do, but that can be exhausting after a while.  Be agreeable, but don't be afraid to maintain your own indivduality - if there's something that you want to do, speak up!  If you realize that you're fading fast, slip away for a nap or some rest time.  If you want to stick to a special diet, do what it takes to get healthy food, even when everyone else is indulging.    
• Along with that, realize that everyone needs a little alone time
• We naturally want to - and sometimes feel obligated to - maximize our time with family when it's available, especially if we're with relatives that we don't get to see very often. However, you can have too much of a good thing. Make some time out for yourself, even if it's just a few extra minutes in the bathroom. Then, when you are with them, you will be more present and focused.
• However, be willing to make some sacrifice.
• These days, family times are fewer and more far between then the good ol' days, so go into it knowing that it's just a brief part of your year, and be willing to be a little uncomfortable at times for the sake of happiness.  You might even think of it as a job, rather than relaxation time - you have to work and put effort into it, but there is a great payoff.
• Respect differences.
• Just because you're family doesn't mean that you think alike and act alike.  Also, even though you're family, it's still not your place to try to "fix" everyone, and you will only go crazy trying.  If your aunt's house has always been messy, don't expect it to suddenly be clean this time - just prepare yourself mentally for what you know is there.  Try hard to accept and even embrace differences.  You can still love each other just as much.
• Maintain a sense of humor.
• My husband and I have found that our best defense against going nuts during family time is to have a good laugh about it together privately.  Finding humor in the situation (or the people) helps you to take things in stride and not become negative.  When grandma says something ridiculous, we both just look at each other and smile, knowing that we will relive the moment later, rather than feeling frustrated.
• Talk about memories, but only the good ones.
• Family time can be stressful enough without bringing up bad memories.  One of the greatest things about your family members is that they have been there through most of the highlights of your life, so it's fun to reflect on those shared happy times, but there's really no need to bring up the bad and put a damper on the mood.
• Balance the conversations between light and fun, and heavy and serious.
• Face-to-face family time is definitely prime time for having good talks about feelings, goals, life events, etc., but too much of that will overwhelm you.  Mix in non-serious conversations to keep the time fun AND productive.  You all will be bonded closer when you experience both.

By having realistic expectations about family time, your summer will be a lot more enjoyable and a lot less stressful.  Work hard to build good memories and even though you'll be relieved when it's over, you'll still look forward to the next time instead of dreading more!

Quick Tip: Avoiding The Two Evil Twins

I have seen A LOT of different problems that humans face - and there are many different kinds - but without fail, the majority of them boil down to one or both of what I call "The Evil Twins" -
Boredom and Loneliness. 

 

People have an intrinsic need for stimulation and connection, and we just do not thrive when we are bored or lonely.  When either of these two conditions exist, the mind is left vacant and bad or weird thoughts start to creep in. 

Boredom and Loneliness seem to be epidemics in America, but I think that they are too often covered up with other names or fancier diagnoses.  Once you strip it down to basics though, almost any problem can be significantly improved by tending to these two basic needs. 
Here are some examples:

• Depression, Sadness, Hopelessness, Grief, etc. 
• These are the biggest ones.  Most people naturally isolate and become inactive when they are feeling down.  If you, instead, reach out to others, surround yourself with people, and get your mind on other, more pleasurable things, you WILL feel better.  Maybe not all the way, but at least significantly enough to function until the bad time passes.  Contrary to what a lot of us believe, sitting around ruminating on whatever has gone wrong will only make things worse.  You don't need "time" - you need to get yourself out there. 
• Anxiety 
•  Anxiousness and Nervousness are feelings based on anticipation - not the present reality.  Therefore, they are completely generated in our own mids, usually when we are not taking action.  Anxiety is a vicious cycle - people become fearful and then do nothing, causing more anxious thoughts to creep in and make them even more frozen.  The most anxious people that I have encountered are also the most bored.  If your mind is really engaged, you just don't have much time to worry. 
• Low Self-Esteem, Lack of Confidence, Body Issues
• These are also problems that happen in our minds when we are not fully stimulated by life or we are not surrounded by good support.  It's very hard to have low self-confidence if you have a lot of great friends and family and you are excited about things in your life. 
• Some body issues are real concerns, like being overweight or unhealthy, but again, this most often happens when we're not as social or active.  You are naturally more conscious of your physical state when you're around people a lot, it's easier to be healthy with support, and usually if you're not bored it means that you're up and moving in some way, rather than leading a sedentary lifestyle.  Also, eating has become a pastime in our country, so you won't do it as much if you're not looking for ways to fill your time.

Boredom and loneliness are also big factors in relationship problems:

• I have talked many times about the importance of keeping relationships fresh and active, and I think we all know well that the best way to feel connected to someone is to share activities. 
• However, your relationships will also be negatively affected if you are personally bored.  I have seen many marital problems that stem from one spouse having too much idle time on their hands and making problems bigger than they really are.  Or, you may become too emotionally needy if you are not engaged in your own individual interests.
• Likewise, relationships need other relationships to thrive, or you will be lonely within your limited connections: Don't just spend time with your kids - get involved with other kids and parents in a group or team.  Don't always just go out on dates by yourselves - do things with other couples to liven the conversation.
• Also, your closest relationships are healthiest when you also have outside individual friends.  It's very important to have "guy time" or "girl time" in addition to partner time, and you will be more present during family time when you also have mixed in friend time. 

When people are lying on their deathbed, they most often evaluate the success of their life by how much love has been in it and how much they've been able to experience.  This, to me, is the greatest evidence that boredom and loneliness are the two biggest obstacles to general life satisfaction.

So, make boredom and loneliness your enemies to stay healthy and happy.  Even when you face a problem that seems unrelated, first ask yourself honestly if you're really just bored and/or lonely, or if those things could at least be making the problem worse. 

The Key To Happiness, Part 2.

There has been a tremendous response to the previous post about accepting unhappiness in your life to find true happiness.  I'm glad that it was helpful to many of you, as I think it's a terrible shame to see people get so frustrated over a very normal life.

Actually, most people end up coming to terms with this concept - without knowing it -  in a much more painful way, commonly known as midlife crisis.

We are often able to cling onto the "Disney movie" idea of life - the "happily-ever-after" mindset that I described - that we acquire as children for quite a while into our adulthood, but inevitably, something will come along to completely destroy it.  It could be the death of someone close to us, the honeymoon phase of our marriage wearing off, having our first child and realizing that it's much harder than we thought, losing a job, getting old and/or fat, breaking up or divorcing, dealing with illness, accepting that a dream will never happen, or even just looking in the mirror one day and realizing that we've lost our mojo.
Whatever it is, for most of us who have not learned and accepted the true key to happiness - accepting unhappiness - it smashes our whole concept of how our life was "supposed" to be, and we are then forced to reconsider our whole identity.  Sadly, many people start believing that they have failed completely and fall into despair and never fully recover their joy.  Or, some even try to desperately continue to cling onto their Disney movie ideas, and as a result, live in denial instead of moving on - staying in a bad relationship, justifying being overweight and unhealthy, living off unemployment rather than getting another job because you don't want to take something "beneath you", or killing yourself to try to be the perfect parent.  Very few end up growing from the experience instead and adopting a more realistic outlook.

I had a couple in my office recently who have made tremendous progress in their marriage that they thought was over just a few months ago, but I asked them how they can now move even further and become "happy" rather than just "content".  They looked at me like I was crazy, looked confusedly at each other, and then replied, "Happy?  Is that possible?  I don't think we know anyone who's really happy!"  This grounded me.  They began listing all of their friends and family members, and the things in each of their lives that made them unhappy, and then concluded that happiness is just an unrealistic goal.

How have we come to this point as a society??  Why have we given up completely on general, lifelong happiness because bad things happen to everyone, and why have we become ok with all this despair?  Just this month, I even came across an article in a popular magazine, written by a fairly notable psychologist who proclaimed that happiness is so elusive now, that we should, instead, pursue fleeting moments of pleasure.  Very disheartening.

 
I am here to tell you that you CAN find true happiness, but it's not by believing that 'love is all you need', good luck is on it's way, or even trusting that God will make everything good.  So what do you do?  In the previous post I talked about training yourself to maintain a balance of emotions, and several people wanted more elaboration on this. 

Try this: Start with a moment of happiness, because it's much easier to be in control of your thoughts then.  The next time that you are watching your beautiful child sleep peacefully, have just gotten great news at work, are eating your favorite food, or anything else that makes you happy, catch yourself in your elation and consciously remind yourself that this won't last forever.  Take a minute to think about
the opposite condition that is sure to happen eventually - your child will be throwing a huge tantrum in the middle of a store, you will lose a big account at work, you will gain weight from your delicious feast, etc. 
Important Note - You should NOT become depressed by this.  In fact, the idea is to remind yourself that this happiness won't last forever, so you should enjoy the moment even more while it's there.

Try it a few more times, and then do the same thing during moments of sadness - when you are in the heat of an argument, keep trying to picture in your mind how great tomorrow will be once you've made up.  If you're nervous and anxious about a big presentation that you have to do, visualize how relieved you'll be in just two hours when it's over and you've done great.  Again, this isn't meant to make you feel better right away, but it will help you remember that "this too, shall pass".

As you practice these new thought patterns, be very aware of exactly how different emotions FEEL - the lightness of contentment, the gut-wrenching pain of anger and sadness, the heaviness of guilt, the high-flying feeling of elation, and the adrenaline rush of nervousness - because this will make it much easier to 1) be aware of the state you're currently in and 2) remind yourself of how the opposite way feels. 

Remember the idea of the waves rolling in and out of your life?  That's what you're forcing yourself to really become aware of.  Once you have fully accepted the concept of inevitable bad times and begin practicing this balance of emotion, you will eventually be able to actually FEEL the waves of emotion in your life, and you will never be caught off-guard.  THEN, you will know what true happiness really is.
    

The Key To Happiness. Really.

I have found the key to ultimate, lifelong happiness, and I am eager to share it. 
Of course, there are many keys to happiness and I'm sure that you have heard them all, but since it takes a lifetime to try to do all of those things well, the truth is that the real key to happiness is accepting that unhappiness is inevitable.

It sounds too simple, but for some reason most of us persistently have an all-or-nothing attitude.  We believe that success means living "happily ever after" - getting married and having blissful love for the rest of our lives, landing a great job and securing financial comfort, or having children and filling the rest of your days with joyful Kodak moments. 
Of course, logically we know that these things aren't reality, but we still seem to subconsciously hold on to these dreams and wishes in our hearts, and whenever any problem comes along we become completely crushed and fall into despair.  Then, when things eventually turn around again, we go right back to feeling like it's only uphill from there.

It's easy to see why all of these ups and downs can be disheartening to the point of general unhappiness when we always judge the overall success of our life based on whatever our present condition might happen to be. 

On the contrary, Buddhist mindfulness practices talk about viewing life as the waves of the sea - as sure as you can count on the tide rolling in, you know for sure that it will go back out again.  But, one is necessary for the other to happen. 
I love this analogy, because if we can adopt this view and come to fully accept that our whole life WILL consist of ups and downs, then we will expect and appreciate both and find true happiness in not having false standards for ourselves.  

When we are in bad times, we can take comfort in knowing that they will pass, rather than being filled with anxiety that our whole life is ruined and nothing good will ever happen to us again.  Likewise, when times are good we must always keep in mind that it won't last forever, so that we enjoy it fully while it's there and then not feel blindsided when the next challenge arises.

Think about romantic love - the most universal example:  When things are happy and blissful, you feel like your partner is perfect.  All the bad things fade into the background and you can hear angels singing as you remember all of your happiest memories.  But then, when you've had a nasty fight, suddenly the bad times seem to out number the good, you question why you ever committed to this person and you can't help but think about breaking up because you can't see any other way that this could be fixed. 
Why do we have such extreme thoughts, even though we've seen this unending relationship cycle numerous times in ourselves and others around us?  What if instead, we trained ourselves in the depth of despair to think "How is this going to be solved this time?"  rather than "Will things ever be happy again??"

Let me be clear - it sounds easier than it really is, so after reading this you're probably thinking "OK, I got that.  I should have true happiness now, right?"  It's not enough to simply have an understanding of this concept - you really have to sit with it for a while to completely incorporate it into your life.  Then, you have to learn techniques to keep yourself calm and grounded in the heat of emotion.  The trick is to never allow yourself to get TOO dragged down or TOO elated.  True happiness is maintaining a relative balance of emotions through all situations.

Think about it.  This is deep, but I promise that it will make you much more satisfied with your life and relationships.