Quick Tip: Tone of Voice and Word Choice

Have you listened to YOURSELF lately??

One of my biggest tasks as a relationship therapist is coaching people on their tone of voice and word choice when communicating with those they love. These seem like minor details compared to the content of what we’re saying, but the truth is that they make the biggest impact on the listener. Most of us don’t pay attention to tone of voice and word choice as much as we should, and we especially don’t notice how much we fall into patterns or take after our parents or other strong influencers in our lives.

Here are some basic rules that you’ve probably heard before, but I really encourage you to check yourself often on these points:

Tone of Voice:

Do you tend to use a sarcastic, threatening, demeaning, bored, irritated, hurried, or otherwise negative tone of voice to convey something that you wouldn’t say in words? If so, try to break your patterns by thinking twice before you respond.

If not, do you make an effort to use a calm, warm, genuinely caring, patient, and loving tone of voice, especially when talking about something serious, touchy or important? Almost all of us can do better at this. Really think about how you can convey warmth to the person - no matter what words are coming out of your mouth. Some of this will also come from your facial expressions, posture, gestures, and eye contact. For a much more detailed explanation of this, see this past blog post:

We Need To Talk...

Word Choice:

Use “I” Statements

Using “I” statements simply means talking about how YOU feel (something you are an expert at), rather than telling the other person what THEY think and feel (something you really don’t know). This is a good rule to help keep the conversation non-threatening and non-judgmental so that progress will actually be made, instead of just falling into the blame game.

Bad: “You always criticize me in front of the kids. You better stop or I’m going to start criticizing you too.”

Good: “I often feel like you are criticizing me in front of the kids, and I’d like to talk about how we can change that.”

See how nasty the word “you” can sound when it’s thrown at you? The word “you” instantly causes the person to become defensive, whereas the word “I” invites conversation. Also, saying that you “feel” like something is happening rather than just proclaiming that it is happening demands conversation rather than fighting, because a person can always argue about what they do or feel, but they cannot argue about how you feel.

Asking Questions

We make far too many statements when we talk to people and don’t ask nearly enough questions. Questions can be a very powerful tool to get your point across in a peaceful manner, and a lot of the time you really don’t know all of the facts behind the problem, so you need to find out before you can make an effective judgment.

Bad: “You need to take out the trash! I’m so tired of having to remind you!”

Good: “Why do you seem to always forget to take out the trash?”

          “Is there anything that we can do differently to help you remember?”

          “What do you think would be a fair response from me in the future if you keep forgetting?”

I think it’s quite obvious which one of these conversations is going to get better results.

When the other person is asked for his point of view, he feels really cared about and able to express his thoughts and opinions, which automatically makes him more receptive to yours, and more accountable for his actions.

Keeping Statements Real – Avoiding Dramatic Accusations

Bad: “You’re always so selfish! You never think of me!”

Obviously no one is ALWAYS selfish and it is impossible to NEVER think of someone in your life. So, a more rational way to voice this concern (that is more than an occasional problem) would be:

Good: “I often feel like you behave selfishly and don’t consider me. I believe that you’re a caring person, so why is it coming across like that?”

Again, adding a question opens the door to productive conversation, rather than just making an offensive statement and then leaving the person to defend themself.

Also, did you notice the “you” and “I” statements again in this example??)

Always Combine Many Positive Statements with a Few Negative Statements

Our tendency as humans is to have extreme thinking, so when someone tells us something that needs to be improved, we automatically start to feel like it’s all bad. If you need to raise an issue with someone, it helps to remind them that you’re happy with many things about them, and this issue is just a small part of the total picture. Also, always chase criticism with compliments, not the other way around. No one likes to hear the dreaded “I love you, BUT…”

Bad: “You have been more on time lately, but you’re still irresponsible with the kids, chores and money.”

Good: “I’d like to talk to you again about taking on more responsibility in our home. I’ve noticed that you’ve really made an improvement in being more on time lately and showing me more affection – both things that I’ve really appreciated - so I know that you will also do better with just a few other issues.”

This isn’t sugar-coating the issue – you should only say things that you really feel are positive; It’s just helping yourself get the results that you want by keeping things in perspective (we all have strengths and weaknesses) rather than attacking the person and making them defensive instead of receptive.

These changes will make a HUGE impact on how others respond to you, but as I said before, making them often entails reversing long-established patterns or going against what you’ve always known in others around you. And that’s where the challenge lies.

When I coach clients in my office on these changes in tone of voice and word choice, they always wisely point out that the good examples take a lot more time than the bad examples, or “the way people usually say things.” This is very true – it does require you to sit down and have a little bit longer conversation. However, using effective communication means that you will get more satisfying, longer-lasting results with just one conversation, rather than having the same talk about the same issues over and over again. So, when you look at the big picture, being conscious of tone of voice and word choice really is a timesaver.

Another thing I often hear from clients: “Well, that’s just not how I talk. My family would be blown away if they heard me talk like that.” This also is a very true statement, and to that I say, it seems that the way you talk now hasn’t been working out the best for you, so it’s probably a good thing to step out of your comfort zone and try something new.

The way people will react IS a valid concern, because it WILL throw them for a loop when you first start talking in a more loving way and they WILL usually question you, mock you, or doubt that you’re sincere. However, after the initial shock wears off and they see that you are serious about doing better, it is also guaranteed that they will love you much more and you will have more peace between yourselves.

Change Is In The Air

Hello again! I took a break from blogging during the summer, but I finally completed the last part of my education and am now officially Dr. Malia.

Did you all have a great summer and lots of good times with family and friends?

Tomorrow is Labor Day, which marks the end of summer and the beginning of the season of change – changing leaves and temperatures, but also kids going back to school, and adults getting a little more settled into routine. The coming of fall seems to be a natural time for self-reflection and reevaluation, so I think it’s also a great time to think about change within ourselves and change in our relationships.

Change can be very scary. I often hear from people that they know that they NEED to change, but they don’t know HOW to make change. Here’s my 4-step plan to help you get on the right path:

1. Accept That Change Is Hard – For Everyone

It’s a simple statement, but it carries a lot of meaning for how to approach change. Here’s a
graph that I often draw for my clients:When our life is going downhill, it’s usually in a very straight line. So naturally, we expect change to be the same way going up. However, when we are trying to climb back uphill, it never is a straight shot. We do a little better, then we fail, then we do a little better, then we fall again – again and again, but as long as the general direction is up, we’re making good progress.

Don’t feel too discouraged when you have these downward dips, or else you’ll give up completely. As you’re trying to make change, you have to keep your expectations and assessments of yourself realistic, acknowledging this principle – that change is hard.

2. Start Noticing Problem Patterns

As I said, we usually know WHEN we need to make change, but when it comes right down to it, most people don’t know exactly WHAT needs to be changed. The first step is to figure this out by observing what exactly is going wrong. The easiest way to do this is by noticing patterns.

I had a father and son in my office the other day telling me about several big fights that they’ve had over the past month. As I was listening, I realized that all of the things that they were fighting about were problems that were out of their control – somebody being nasty at work, a pipe bursting in the house, getting sick, etc. Whenever something like this happened, they would start playing the blame game, trying to place blame on each other in a bad attempt to feel in control. On the flip side, problems that they really were in control of were usually resolved fairly peacefully. Once I pointed this pattern out to them and they were able to start to recognize it, they were on the road to change.

3. Seek Further Information

Change is especially hard to do on your own – that’s why we therapists are in business. It’s a hard thing to admit, but if you need to make a change, it means that you’re failing at something. So, find support from people who have been successful with that particular thing: Read self-help books or articles, find TV programs on the topic, talk to friends, family and professionals, attend lectures or seminars, and look up info on the web. Get as much information as you can to make the best change possible. A common mistake people make is finding solace in others who have the same weakness, but the reality is that you don’t need to know what NOT to do – you’ve already got that down- you need to know more about what TO do.

4. Begin Putting Effort Into The Change

The success of your change will be directly related to the amount of personal motivation that you have. If the change isn’t going to make that much difference in your life, then progress will be slow. However, if it’s a matter of life-or-death, you’ll find that change is much quicker. Unfortunately for a lot of us, motivation for change doesn’t come until things have gotten really bad.

For this reason, once you start implementing changes in your life, it’s very important to “keep your eye on the prize,” or keep yourself motivated. Do this by constantly thinking about how much better things are going to be once you’ve gotten through the hard part of actually making the change. You might hang up pictures that represent your ideal self or ideal life. It’s also important to have praise and smaller rewards along the way, which you may get from people around you or you may have to give yourself.

Once you find success, be sure to remember what methods worked for you so that you can then apply those strategies to other changes. No matter how many changes we make we will have to continue to make more changes for the rest of our lives, so it’s worthwhile to get good at it to make it as easy as possible.