Change Is In The Air

Hello again! I took a break from blogging during the summer, but I finally completed the last part of my education and am now officially Dr. Malia.

Did you all have a great summer and lots of good times with family and friends?

Tomorrow is Labor Day, which marks the end of summer and the beginning of the season of change – changing leaves and temperatures, but also kids going back to school, and adults getting a little more settled into routine. The coming of fall seems to be a natural time for self-reflection and reevaluation, so I think it’s also a great time to think about change within ourselves and change in our relationships.

Change can be very scary. I often hear from people that they know that they NEED to change, but they don’t know HOW to make change. Here’s my 4-step plan to help you get on the right path:

1. Accept That Change Is Hard – For Everyone

It’s a simple statement, but it carries a lot of meaning for how to approach change. Here’s a
graph that I often draw for my clients:When our life is going downhill, it’s usually in a very straight line. So naturally, we expect change to be the same way going up. However, when we are trying to climb back uphill, it never is a straight shot. We do a little better, then we fail, then we do a little better, then we fall again – again and again, but as long as the general direction is up, we’re making good progress.

Don’t feel too discouraged when you have these downward dips, or else you’ll give up completely. As you’re trying to make change, you have to keep your expectations and assessments of yourself realistic, acknowledging this principle – that change is hard.

2. Start Noticing Problem Patterns

As I said, we usually know WHEN we need to make change, but when it comes right down to it, most people don’t know exactly WHAT needs to be changed. The first step is to figure this out by observing what exactly is going wrong. The easiest way to do this is by noticing patterns.

I had a father and son in my office the other day telling me about several big fights that they’ve had over the past month. As I was listening, I realized that all of the things that they were fighting about were problems that were out of their control – somebody being nasty at work, a pipe bursting in the house, getting sick, etc. Whenever something like this happened, they would start playing the blame game, trying to place blame on each other in a bad attempt to feel in control. On the flip side, problems that they really were in control of were usually resolved fairly peacefully. Once I pointed this pattern out to them and they were able to start to recognize it, they were on the road to change.

3. Seek Further Information

Change is especially hard to do on your own – that’s why we therapists are in business. It’s a hard thing to admit, but if you need to make a change, it means that you’re failing at something. So, find support from people who have been successful with that particular thing: Read self-help books or articles, find TV programs on the topic, talk to friends, family and professionals, attend lectures or seminars, and look up info on the web. Get as much information as you can to make the best change possible. A common mistake people make is finding solace in others who have the same weakness, but the reality is that you don’t need to know what NOT to do – you’ve already got that down- you need to know more about what TO do.

4. Begin Putting Effort Into The Change

The success of your change will be directly related to the amount of personal motivation that you have. If the change isn’t going to make that much difference in your life, then progress will be slow. However, if it’s a matter of life-or-death, you’ll find that change is much quicker. Unfortunately for a lot of us, motivation for change doesn’t come until things have gotten really bad.

For this reason, once you start implementing changes in your life, it’s very important to “keep your eye on the prize,” or keep yourself motivated. Do this by constantly thinking about how much better things are going to be once you’ve gotten through the hard part of actually making the change. You might hang up pictures that represent your ideal self or ideal life. It’s also important to have praise and smaller rewards along the way, which you may get from people around you or you may have to give yourself.

Once you find success, be sure to remember what methods worked for you so that you can then apply those strategies to other changes. No matter how many changes we make we will have to continue to make more changes for the rest of our lives, so it’s worthwhile to get good at it to make it as easy as possible.