Looking Out For Numero Uno: How To Win Friends and Influence People

People often ask me for book recommendations, and I have many, but there is no relationship book that I regard more highly than
How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.
My parents read this book to me when I was just old enough to understand it and would often reference it whenever I had people problems, but it continues to be the primary influence on my work as a relationship therapist.  This book is a MUST READ for anyone - It contains so much valuable information about dealing with people and will definitely make your life better in many ways.

How To Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1936, but every word is just as applicable today.  It has had astronomical success over the years and almost everyone has read it or at least heard of it, but it still seems like few people actually practice Carnegie's advice. 

It's impossible for me to even begin to cover all of the great points in the book, but I think the overall idea is learning how to get what you want out of the relationships in your life, and that's why I love it so much - I also believe that successful relationships happen when you focus on getting what you want, but that idea seems counterintuitive to most people.  Why?

One reason is because we are all taught from childhood that looking out for our own self-interests is generally selfish, but this is one of the worst things that we could ever believe.  Of course, if you are completely self-absorbed and never do anything for anyone else, then that's obviously a problem.  That's a rare situation though, and more often we grow up to become mothers who neglect themselves to try to do everything and more for their children, fathers who work overtime to make more money but then never see their families or pursue their hobbies, wives who have been eating at Sizzler for years because their husbands like steak but they dream of chinese food, friends who answer every call for help yet still feel lonely in their time of need, and employees who skip our children's birthday parties because we think that our boss needs us more.  Get the point?

You've heard all this before - not getting what you want out of life ultimately leads to unhappiness, even if you don't like to admit it.  Yet most of us STILL won't or don't know how to ask for what we want and get it.

Dale Carnegie teaches us that the way to get what YOU want out of a relationship is to first give the other person what THEY want.  I think to many of us, this may seem like a sleazy car salesman strategy at first glance, but the reality is that following this method allows everyone to get what they want, and when everyone gets what they want, everyone is happy and you don't have to feel that you're being selfish.

Here's a quick example: When I go shopping at Costco, the wholesale warehouse store, I really like my husband to go with me to carry all the big items and move them from the cart to the car and then into the house.  However, there are about 500 things that he would rather do with his day off, but he does love the giant churros, pizza and soda that they sell there at the cafe.  I used to drag him along mumbling and groaning through the whole store, and then he would get his treats after we checked out.  Finally, it dawned on me that a better way would be to get him his snacks as soon as we got there.  Now, he gets immediate gratification and munches and sips happily all the way through the store as I take my time getting the things I want.

At this point, I always hear from my clients: "But I shouldn't have to manipulate people!  They should just want to do things to make me happy because they love me."  And here I say: How does it seem selfish to try to get what you want, but not selfish to expect other people to do things for you without giving them anything in return?  Doesn't make sense when you think about it logically!  Figuring out a way to make everyone happy is certainly not manipulating them - it's caring about them too!

Sometimes, all people really want is respect, courtesy or attention.  This is primarily what Dale Carnegie focuses on, and it is truly an art to learn.  Last year my husband and I were trying to get to New York during one of the worst snow storms of the year.  Most flights on the east coast had been cancelled, and the airports were filled with angry people shouting at airline employees and threatening them.  Though I was frustrated too, I reminded myself that the weather was out of anyone's control and that the airlines wanted those flights out just as much as we did, so I remained very calm and treated the ticketing agent with respect and courtesy, and acknowledged what he must have been going through that night.  Sure enough, we were rerouted to our destination and given first class tickets on the only flight going out that night, when many others had just been turned away.

If you haven't read this book yet, you are really doing yourself a disservice.  If you have, read it again every now and then to brush up on your people skills.  And if you've also had a great experience using some of Dale Carnegie's wisdom, comment here or on the Facebook page and tell us about it!