Quick Tip: Avoiding The Two Evil Twins

I have seen A LOT of different problems that humans face - and there are many different kinds - but without fail, the majority of them boil down to one or both of what I call "The Evil Twins" -
Boredom and Loneliness. 

 

People have an intrinsic need for stimulation and connection, and we just do not thrive when we are bored or lonely.  When either of these two conditions exist, the mind is left vacant and bad or weird thoughts start to creep in. 

Boredom and Loneliness seem to be epidemics in America, but I think that they are too often covered up with other names or fancier diagnoses.  Once you strip it down to basics though, almost any problem can be significantly improved by tending to these two basic needs. 
Here are some examples:

• Depression, Sadness, Hopelessness, Grief, etc. 
• These are the biggest ones.  Most people naturally isolate and become inactive when they are feeling down.  If you, instead, reach out to others, surround yourself with people, and get your mind on other, more pleasurable things, you WILL feel better.  Maybe not all the way, but at least significantly enough to function until the bad time passes.  Contrary to what a lot of us believe, sitting around ruminating on whatever has gone wrong will only make things worse.  You don't need "time" - you need to get yourself out there. 
• Anxiety 
•  Anxiousness and Nervousness are feelings based on anticipation - not the present reality.  Therefore, they are completely generated in our own mids, usually when we are not taking action.  Anxiety is a vicious cycle - people become fearful and then do nothing, causing more anxious thoughts to creep in and make them even more frozen.  The most anxious people that I have encountered are also the most bored.  If your mind is really engaged, you just don't have much time to worry. 
• Low Self-Esteem, Lack of Confidence, Body Issues
• These are also problems that happen in our minds when we are not fully stimulated by life or we are not surrounded by good support.  It's very hard to have low self-confidence if you have a lot of great friends and family and you are excited about things in your life. 
• Some body issues are real concerns, like being overweight or unhealthy, but again, this most often happens when we're not as social or active.  You are naturally more conscious of your physical state when you're around people a lot, it's easier to be healthy with support, and usually if you're not bored it means that you're up and moving in some way, rather than leading a sedentary lifestyle.  Also, eating has become a pastime in our country, so you won't do it as much if you're not looking for ways to fill your time.

Boredom and loneliness are also big factors in relationship problems:

• I have talked many times about the importance of keeping relationships fresh and active, and I think we all know well that the best way to feel connected to someone is to share activities. 
• However, your relationships will also be negatively affected if you are personally bored.  I have seen many marital problems that stem from one spouse having too much idle time on their hands and making problems bigger than they really are.  Or, you may become too emotionally needy if you are not engaged in your own individual interests.
• Likewise, relationships need other relationships to thrive, or you will be lonely within your limited connections: Don't just spend time with your kids - get involved with other kids and parents in a group or team.  Don't always just go out on dates by yourselves - do things with other couples to liven the conversation.
• Also, your closest relationships are healthiest when you also have outside individual friends.  It's very important to have "guy time" or "girl time" in addition to partner time, and you will be more present during family time when you also have mixed in friend time. 

When people are lying on their deathbed, they most often evaluate the success of their life by how much love has been in it and how much they've been able to experience.  This, to me, is the greatest evidence that boredom and loneliness are the two biggest obstacles to general life satisfaction.

So, make boredom and loneliness your enemies to stay healthy and happy.  Even when you face a problem that seems unrelated, first ask yourself honestly if you're really just bored and/or lonely, or if those things could at least be making the problem worse. 

The Key To Happiness, Part 2.

There has been a tremendous response to the previous post about accepting unhappiness in your life to find true happiness.  I'm glad that it was helpful to many of you, as I think it's a terrible shame to see people get so frustrated over a very normal life.

Actually, most people end up coming to terms with this concept - without knowing it -  in a much more painful way, commonly known as midlife crisis.

We are often able to cling onto the "Disney movie" idea of life - the "happily-ever-after" mindset that I described - that we acquire as children for quite a while into our adulthood, but inevitably, something will come along to completely destroy it.  It could be the death of someone close to us, the honeymoon phase of our marriage wearing off, having our first child and realizing that it's much harder than we thought, losing a job, getting old and/or fat, breaking up or divorcing, dealing with illness, accepting that a dream will never happen, or even just looking in the mirror one day and realizing that we've lost our mojo.
Whatever it is, for most of us who have not learned and accepted the true key to happiness - accepting unhappiness - it smashes our whole concept of how our life was "supposed" to be, and we are then forced to reconsider our whole identity.  Sadly, many people start believing that they have failed completely and fall into despair and never fully recover their joy.  Or, some even try to desperately continue to cling onto their Disney movie ideas, and as a result, live in denial instead of moving on - staying in a bad relationship, justifying being overweight and unhealthy, living off unemployment rather than getting another job because you don't want to take something "beneath you", or killing yourself to try to be the perfect parent.  Very few end up growing from the experience instead and adopting a more realistic outlook.

I had a couple in my office recently who have made tremendous progress in their marriage that they thought was over just a few months ago, but I asked them how they can now move even further and become "happy" rather than just "content".  They looked at me like I was crazy, looked confusedly at each other, and then replied, "Happy?  Is that possible?  I don't think we know anyone who's really happy!"  This grounded me.  They began listing all of their friends and family members, and the things in each of their lives that made them unhappy, and then concluded that happiness is just an unrealistic goal.

How have we come to this point as a society??  Why have we given up completely on general, lifelong happiness because bad things happen to everyone, and why have we become ok with all this despair?  Just this month, I even came across an article in a popular magazine, written by a fairly notable psychologist who proclaimed that happiness is so elusive now, that we should, instead, pursue fleeting moments of pleasure.  Very disheartening.

 
I am here to tell you that you CAN find true happiness, but it's not by believing that 'love is all you need', good luck is on it's way, or even trusting that God will make everything good.  So what do you do?  In the previous post I talked about training yourself to maintain a balance of emotions, and several people wanted more elaboration on this. 

Try this: Start with a moment of happiness, because it's much easier to be in control of your thoughts then.  The next time that you are watching your beautiful child sleep peacefully, have just gotten great news at work, are eating your favorite food, or anything else that makes you happy, catch yourself in your elation and consciously remind yourself that this won't last forever.  Take a minute to think about
the opposite condition that is sure to happen eventually - your child will be throwing a huge tantrum in the middle of a store, you will lose a big account at work, you will gain weight from your delicious feast, etc. 
Important Note - You should NOT become depressed by this.  In fact, the idea is to remind yourself that this happiness won't last forever, so you should enjoy the moment even more while it's there.

Try it a few more times, and then do the same thing during moments of sadness - when you are in the heat of an argument, keep trying to picture in your mind how great tomorrow will be once you've made up.  If you're nervous and anxious about a big presentation that you have to do, visualize how relieved you'll be in just two hours when it's over and you've done great.  Again, this isn't meant to make you feel better right away, but it will help you remember that "this too, shall pass".

As you practice these new thought patterns, be very aware of exactly how different emotions FEEL - the lightness of contentment, the gut-wrenching pain of anger and sadness, the heaviness of guilt, the high-flying feeling of elation, and the adrenaline rush of nervousness - because this will make it much easier to 1) be aware of the state you're currently in and 2) remind yourself of how the opposite way feels. 

Remember the idea of the waves rolling in and out of your life?  That's what you're forcing yourself to really become aware of.  Once you have fully accepted the concept of inevitable bad times and begin practicing this balance of emotion, you will eventually be able to actually FEEL the waves of emotion in your life, and you will never be caught off-guard.  THEN, you will know what true happiness really is.
    

The Key To Happiness. Really.

I have found the key to ultimate, lifelong happiness, and I am eager to share it. 
Of course, there are many keys to happiness and I'm sure that you have heard them all, but since it takes a lifetime to try to do all of those things well, the truth is that the real key to happiness is accepting that unhappiness is inevitable.

It sounds too simple, but for some reason most of us persistently have an all-or-nothing attitude.  We believe that success means living "happily ever after" - getting married and having blissful love for the rest of our lives, landing a great job and securing financial comfort, or having children and filling the rest of your days with joyful Kodak moments. 
Of course, logically we know that these things aren't reality, but we still seem to subconsciously hold on to these dreams and wishes in our hearts, and whenever any problem comes along we become completely crushed and fall into despair.  Then, when things eventually turn around again, we go right back to feeling like it's only uphill from there.

It's easy to see why all of these ups and downs can be disheartening to the point of general unhappiness when we always judge the overall success of our life based on whatever our present condition might happen to be. 

On the contrary, Buddhist mindfulness practices talk about viewing life as the waves of the sea - as sure as you can count on the tide rolling in, you know for sure that it will go back out again.  But, one is necessary for the other to happen. 
I love this analogy, because if we can adopt this view and come to fully accept that our whole life WILL consist of ups and downs, then we will expect and appreciate both and find true happiness in not having false standards for ourselves.  

When we are in bad times, we can take comfort in knowing that they will pass, rather than being filled with anxiety that our whole life is ruined and nothing good will ever happen to us again.  Likewise, when times are good we must always keep in mind that it won't last forever, so that we enjoy it fully while it's there and then not feel blindsided when the next challenge arises.

Think about romantic love - the most universal example:  When things are happy and blissful, you feel like your partner is perfect.  All the bad things fade into the background and you can hear angels singing as you remember all of your happiest memories.  But then, when you've had a nasty fight, suddenly the bad times seem to out number the good, you question why you ever committed to this person and you can't help but think about breaking up because you can't see any other way that this could be fixed. 
Why do we have such extreme thoughts, even though we've seen this unending relationship cycle numerous times in ourselves and others around us?  What if instead, we trained ourselves in the depth of despair to think "How is this going to be solved this time?"  rather than "Will things ever be happy again??"

Let me be clear - it sounds easier than it really is, so after reading this you're probably thinking "OK, I got that.  I should have true happiness now, right?"  It's not enough to simply have an understanding of this concept - you really have to sit with it for a while to completely incorporate it into your life.  Then, you have to learn techniques to keep yourself calm and grounded in the heat of emotion.  The trick is to never allow yourself to get TOO dragged down or TOO elated.  True happiness is maintaining a relative balance of emotions through all situations.

Think about it.  This is deep, but I promise that it will make you much more satisfied with your life and relationships.