Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Key To Happiness, Part 2.

There has been a tremendous response to the previous post about accepting unhappiness in your life to find true happiness.  I'm glad that it was helpful to many of you, as I think it's a terrible shame to see people get so frustrated over a very normal life.

Actually, most people end up coming to terms with this concept - without knowing it -  in a much more painful way, commonly known as midlife crisis.
We are often able to cling onto the "Disney movie" idea of life - the "happily-ever-after" mindset that I described - that we acquire as children for quite a while into our adulthood, but inevitably, something will come along to completely destroy it.  It could be the death of someone close to us, the honeymoon phase of our marriage wearing off, having our first child and realizing that it's much harder than we thought, losing a job, getting old and/or fat, breaking up or divorcing, dealing with illness, accepting that a dream will never happen, or even just looking in the mirror one day and realizing that we've lost our mojo.
Whatever it is, for most of us who have not learned and accepted the true key to happiness - accepting unhappiness - it smashes our whole concept of how our life was "supposed" to be, and we are then forced to reconsider our whole identity.  Sadly, many people start believing that they have failed completely and fall into despair and never fully recover their joy.  Or, some even try to desperately continue to cling onto their Disney movie ideas, and as a result, live in denial instead of moving on - staying in a bad relationship, justifying being overweight and unhealthy, living off unemployment rather than getting another job because you don't want to take something "beneath you", or killing yourself to try to be the perfect parent.  Very few end up growing from the experience instead and adopting a more realistic outlook.

I had a couple in my office recently who have made tremendous progress in their marriage that they thought was over just a few months ago, but I asked them how they can now move even further and become "happy" rather than just "content".  They looked at me like I was crazy, looked confusedly at each other, and then replied, "Happy?  Is that possible?  I don't think we know anyone who's really happy!"  This grounded me.  They began listing all of their friends and family members, and the things in each of their lives that made them unhappy, and then concluded that happiness is just an unrealistic goal.

How have we come to this point as a society??  Why have we given up completely on general, lifelong happiness because bad things happen to everyone, and why have we become ok with all this despair?  Just this month, I even came across an article in a popular magazine, written by a fairly notable psychologist who proclaimed that happiness is so elusive now, that we should, instead, pursue fleeting moments of pleasure.  Very disheartening.

 
I am here to tell you that you CAN find true happiness, but it's not by believing that 'love is all you need', good luck is on it's way, or even trusting that God will make everything good.  So what do you do?  In the previous post I talked about training yourself to maintain a balance of emotions, and several people wanted more elaboration on this. 

Try this: Start with a moment of happiness, because it's much easier to be in control of your thoughts then.  The next time that you are watching your beautiful child sleep peacefully, have just gotten great news at work, are eating your favorite food, or anything else that makes you happy, catch yourself in your elation and consciously remind yourself that this won't last forever.  Take a minute to think about
the opposite condition that is sure to happen eventually - your child will be throwing a huge tantrum in the middle of a store, you will lose a big account at work, you will gain weight from your delicious feast, etc. 
Important Note - You should NOT become depressed by this.  In fact, the idea is to remind yourself that this happiness won't last forever, so you should enjoy the moment even more while it's there.

Try it a few more times, and then do the same thing during moments of sadness - when you are in the heat of an argument, keep trying to picture in your mind how great tomorrow will be once you've made up.  If you're nervous and anxious about a big presentation that you have to do, visualize how relieved you'll be in just two hours when it's over and you've done great.  Again, this isn't meant to make you feel better right away, but it will help you remember that "this too, shall pass".

As you practice these new thought patterns, be very aware of exactly how different emotions FEEL - the lightness of contentment, the gut-wrenching pain of anger and sadness, the heaviness of guilt, the high-flying feeling of elation, and the adrenaline rush of nervousness - because this will make it much easier to 1) be aware of the state you're currently in and 2) remind yourself of how the opposite way feels. 

Remember the idea of the waves rolling in and out of your life?  That's what you're forcing yourself to really become aware of.  Once you have fully accepted the concept of inevitable bad times and begin practicing this balance of emotion, you will eventually be able to actually FEEL the waves of emotion in your life, and you will never be caught off-guard.  THEN, you will know what true happiness really is.
    

1 comment: