What's On Your Christmas List? A Holiday Lesson About Giving and Receiving In Relationships

Christmas is a great lesson about relationships, because it's all about giving and receiving. 

You get gifts, but you also give to others, and the combination of the two is what makes Christmas such a fun, happy time.  If you did only one without the other, it just wouldn't be quite as heartwarming.

Relationships work the same way, as I talked about in my previous post about keeping the scales balanced by each person contributing.  But how exactly do you go about giving and receiving relationship "gifts"?

The tradition of writing a Christmas list is a great example of asking for what you want in relationships.  Making a list of things you would like for Christmas seems very selfish and demanding, but every gift giver knows that it is a very helpful tool, because a list will guide the giver to selecting a gift that is sure to bring joy to the receiver.  Otherwise, it can be agonizing to search store after store trying to figure out what someone might like.  Of course, every once in a while you do run across something unexpected or have an idea that you know will be a great gift, and that's even more fun. 

The same is true in relationships.  One of the very hardest truths to accept is that we must ask for what we want in relationships.  We all dream of having people in our lives who know us so well that they will be able to predict our needs and fulfill them without asking.  However, like coming across an unexpected perfect gift, this is much more the exception than the norm.  It is unfair to expect our spouses, parents, siblings, family or friends to "just know" what we want, and then get upset when they don't come through.  If you don't write that thing that you really, really want down on your Christmas list, then you can't be upset when it's not under the tree on Christmas day.  In order to have good, balanced relationships, we must get good at making our needs and desires known without being demanding or naggy.  I am continually working on this skill with almost every couple that I see, and I will expand on this topic more in a future post.

When you receive your gifts, it's important to show appreciation and reciprocate the gesture.  We worry at Christmas time about giving people gifts that are of equal value to what they have given us, because the gift is a symbol of our feelings.  You would never want to spend $20 when they spent $50, because you want them to feel that you have put as much effort and sacrifice into the gift as they did.  No matter how selfless and truly loving a person is, because we're human there's always a "what's in it for me" feeling in the back of our minds when we give a gift - even if we're just looking for the satisfaction that comes from seeing the recipient's gratitude.

Last year I decided to bake Christmas goodies and deliver them to some of my neighbors who I knew in passing, but didn't have a relationship with.  I thought that would be a good way to show my interest in getting to know them better.  I delivered the treats to at least 8 neighbors, who were very surprised to be thought of by a near stranger.  Of course I didn't expect them to then bring something over to me or start inviting me for dinner, but not one of them ever thanked me, did anything in return, or even stopped to talk to me when we passed each other.  Needless to say, I definitely didn't do it again this year. 

In our relationships, we need to be just as mindful about the giving and receiving balance as we are with our Christmas gifts.  When someone does something for you, even if you are expecting it, it's so important to show gratitude and try to do something of the same value in return to keep the cycle going.  Otherwise, like my neighbors, you will find that the "gifts" become less frequent or stop altogether. 

Remember the mental scale that we all have and can't help noticing when it's tipping too far in one direction?  It's nice to think that the people in our lives do things for us just because our happiness is their primary concern, but that's simply against human nature, and the reality is that no one does anything completely unselfishly - everyone expects, and needs, something in return.  Likewise, when we are given a gift we naturally want to reciprocate or at least show our gratitude. 

So, if you feel that you're not getting what you want from someone, stop and honestly assess what you give to them.  Doing things for others is looking out for yourself, because the best way to get what you want from people is to start giving them what they want.      

Happy Holidays!  Hope you get everything on your list!

One For Me, One For You...

I'm working with a great couple right now that brought up a very important relationship issue this week:

Division of Responsibility.

This particular couple has many good things going in their relationship, but they are having difficulty moving to a deeper level of connectedness because they are essentially living like roommates - trying to divide everything exactly 50/50.  They both work, their finances are completely separate, they both pay exactly 50% of all the bills and expenses, and they also split household duties evenly among them.  This doesn't sound so bad, but it does make married life a little more complicated, and now that they're considering possibly starting a family, they're realizing that it would be almost impossible to continue this system with children in the picture.  Also, keeping everything 50/50 is starting to manifest problems in other aspects of their relationship, because it maintains a tangible boundary, and subsequently, emotional distance between them.       

On the flip side, I have seen many couples that have the opposite problem of feeling that responsibilities are not evenly divided between them - that one person is pulling more than his or her share of the weight.  This obviously leads to resentment and loss of respect for one's partner, which leads to many other problems.

In "the good ol' days", marriage was a little bit easier because it was assumed that the man would be the primary breadwinner and the woman would manage the house and kids.  This provided a natural balance of contribution to the relationship.  Now, things have changed dramatically, especially in this bad economy when people are doing whatever they have to to make ends meet, so both people may be working, or the woman might have to work while the man stays home.  Consequently, more and more in therapy we are seeing couples who are struggling to define their roles in the marriage. 

The important thing to realize is that for both men and women, in order to have a loving relationship, good intimacy, and a generally happy marriage, your partner needs to feel like you are actively contributing.  In my example couple, the husband admitted that he is aware of a constant "scorecard" in his head, due to being hurt in a previous relationship.  While not all of us are consciously keeping tabs on everything our partner does, the reality is that we definitely notice when there is an inequity in contribution, and it comes out in our feelings towards our partner.  Mentally, we have a scale like the one in the picture, and when it tips too far in our direction we feel it!  Except for people struggling with codependency, NO ONE feels attracted to a dead weight.

Tangible responsibilities in a relationship fall into only three categories:
1. Money
2. Household Duties - Food Prep, Chores and Errands
3. Children

Throughout the life of a marriage, each partner's roles in these three categories will probably shift several times, or maybe even daily.  When situations change, you should check yourself to make sure that you are still doing your share.  If you used to be the primary breadwinner but have recently lost your job, you may need to pick up a lot more responsibility at home than you were previously used to.  If your spouse used to stay home but has had to go back to work, the two of you will now have to divide household and child care duties. 

Even if things are running smoothly, it is still important for you to ensure that you are making a visible contribution to the relationship, if only for the sake of preserving your partner's respect and good feelings for you.  No matter how capable your husband or wife is of holding down a job, raising kids and running a household by his or her self, if you are watching all this from your recliner chair they will resent you! 
 
Getting married is joining a team - if you work together you can be more successful than you would be alone because you're bringing in different skills and abilities, but if one team member doesn't do their part, you will fail. 

Quick Tip: Couple's Meeting

One of the tools I use with almost every couple in marriage counseling is the couple's meeting, and it has had great results no matter how troubled or successful a relationship already is.

The idea is simple:
Set aside time either once a week or more often, depending on your individual needs, to have an official meeting with your spouse. 
Topics should include your upcoming week's schedule, where you're at with finances, and any other looming issues that need to be discussed or big decisions that need to be made.  
The main idea is to make the setting very "official", just like a business meeting that you would have at work.  Turn off the TV and get rid of any distractions (including kids), sit down at a table with pen and paper and your calendar and checkbook, and get down to business.  Write down what you talk about so that there is no chance for miscommunication. 

Surprisingly, schedules and finances are two of the biggest sources of contention for couples, so couples that are organized and on the same page in these areas are generally much happier.  However, it's definitely a challenge to get two individuals working in sync on these difficult issues, so in order to be organized you need to take the challenge very seriously, which is why I suggest the business meeting format.

The couple's meeting also serves another important purpose:
For couples who have poor communication skills, this provides an easy to follow format to help get productive and positive conversation going with easier-to-talk-about subjects.
For couples with better communication skills already established, this helps provide a gentler and more success-oriented format for diving into harder-to-talk-about subjects. 

In addition, the most important result of having regular couple's meetings is setting goals and working on them together.  Couples are always happier when they're looking ahead and moving forward as a team.  

With our crazy lifestyle, it's nice to know that at least once a week you can sit down and regroup with your spouse and really be heard, rather than just trying to coordinate through whatever you can say in the 15 minutes between dinner and heading off to sports practice.  This can be especially useful during this holiday season, when we have multiple event invitations to sort through and gift budgets to decide on.  Give it a try and let me know how it goes!