What's On Your Christmas List? A Holiday Lesson About Giving and Receiving In Relationships

Christmas is a great lesson about relationships, because it's all about giving and receiving. 

You get gifts, but you also give to others, and the combination of the two is what makes Christmas such a fun, happy time.  If you did only one without the other, it just wouldn't be quite as heartwarming.

Relationships work the same way, as I talked about in my previous post about keeping the scales balanced by each person contributing.  But how exactly do you go about giving and receiving relationship "gifts"?

The tradition of writing a Christmas list is a great example of asking for what you want in relationships.  Making a list of things you would like for Christmas seems very selfish and demanding, but every gift giver knows that it is a very helpful tool, because a list will guide the giver to selecting a gift that is sure to bring joy to the receiver.  Otherwise, it can be agonizing to search store after store trying to figure out what someone might like.  Of course, every once in a while you do run across something unexpected or have an idea that you know will be a great gift, and that's even more fun. 

The same is true in relationships.  One of the very hardest truths to accept is that we must ask for what we want in relationships.  We all dream of having people in our lives who know us so well that they will be able to predict our needs and fulfill them without asking.  However, like coming across an unexpected perfect gift, this is much more the exception than the norm.  It is unfair to expect our spouses, parents, siblings, family or friends to "just know" what we want, and then get upset when they don't come through.  If you don't write that thing that you really, really want down on your Christmas list, then you can't be upset when it's not under the tree on Christmas day.  In order to have good, balanced relationships, we must get good at making our needs and desires known without being demanding or naggy.  I am continually working on this skill with almost every couple that I see, and I will expand on this topic more in a future post.

When you receive your gifts, it's important to show appreciation and reciprocate the gesture.  We worry at Christmas time about giving people gifts that are of equal value to what they have given us, because the gift is a symbol of our feelings.  You would never want to spend $20 when they spent $50, because you want them to feel that you have put as much effort and sacrifice into the gift as they did.  No matter how selfless and truly loving a person is, because we're human there's always a "what's in it for me" feeling in the back of our minds when we give a gift - even if we're just looking for the satisfaction that comes from seeing the recipient's gratitude.

Last year I decided to bake Christmas goodies and deliver them to some of my neighbors who I knew in passing, but didn't have a relationship with.  I thought that would be a good way to show my interest in getting to know them better.  I delivered the treats to at least 8 neighbors, who were very surprised to be thought of by a near stranger.  Of course I didn't expect them to then bring something over to me or start inviting me for dinner, but not one of them ever thanked me, did anything in return, or even stopped to talk to me when we passed each other.  Needless to say, I definitely didn't do it again this year. 

In our relationships, we need to be just as mindful about the giving and receiving balance as we are with our Christmas gifts.  When someone does something for you, even if you are expecting it, it's so important to show gratitude and try to do something of the same value in return to keep the cycle going.  Otherwise, like my neighbors, you will find that the "gifts" become less frequent or stop altogether. 

Remember the mental scale that we all have and can't help noticing when it's tipping too far in one direction?  It's nice to think that the people in our lives do things for us just because our happiness is their primary concern, but that's simply against human nature, and the reality is that no one does anything completely unselfishly - everyone expects, and needs, something in return.  Likewise, when we are given a gift we naturally want to reciprocate or at least show our gratitude. 

So, if you feel that you're not getting what you want from someone, stop and honestly assess what you give to them.  Doing things for others is looking out for yourself, because the best way to get what you want from people is to start giving them what they want.      

Happy Holidays!  Hope you get everything on your list!