Friday, December 11, 2009

One For Me, One For You...



I'm working with a great couple right now that brought up a very important relationship issue this week:
Division of Responsibility.

This particular couple has many good things going in their relationship, but they are having difficulty moving to a deeper level of connectedness because they are essentially living like roommates - trying to divide everything exactly 50/50.  They both work, their finances are completely separate, they both pay exactly 50% of all the bills and expenses, and they also split household duties evenly among them.  This doesn't sound so bad, but it does make married life a little more complicated, and now that they're considering possibly starting a family, they're realizing that it would be almost impossible to continue this system with children in the picture.  Also, keeping everything 50/50 is starting to manifest problems in other aspects of their relationship, because it maintains a tangible boundary, and subsequently, emotional distance between them.       

On the flip side, I have seen many couples that have the opposite problem of feeling that responsibilities are not evenly divided between them - that one person is pulling more than his or her share of the weight.  This obviously leads to resentment and loss of respect for one's partner, which leads to many other problems.

In "the good ol' days", marriage was a little bit easier because it was assumed that the man would be the primary breadwinner and the woman would manage the house and kids.  This provided a natural balance of contribution to the relationship.  Now, things have changed dramatically, especially in this bad economy when people are doing whatever they have to to make ends meet, so both people may be working, or the woman might have to work while the man stays home.  Consequently, more and more in therapy we are seeing couples who are struggling to define their roles in the marriage. 

The important thing to realize is that for both men and women, in order to have a loving relationship, good intimacy, and a generally happy marriage, your partner needs to feel like you are actively contributing.  In my example couple, the husband admitted that he is aware of a constant "scorecard" in his head, due to being hurt in a previous relationship.  While not all of us are consciously keeping tabs on everything our partner does, the reality is that we definitely notice when there is an inequity in contribution, and it comes out in our feelings towards our partner.  Mentally, we have a scale like the one in the picture, and when it tips too far in our direction we feel it!  Except for people struggling with codependency, NO ONE feels attracted to a dead weight.

Tangible responsibilities in a relationship fall into only three categories:
1. Money
2. Household Duties - Food Prep, Chores and Errands
3. Children

Throughout the life of a marriage, each partner's roles in these three categories will probably shift several times, or maybe even daily.  When situations change, you should check yourself to make sure that you are still doing your share.  If you used to be the primary breadwinner but have recently lost your job, you may need to pick up a lot more responsibility at home than you were previously used to.  If your spouse used to stay home but has had to go back to work, the two of you will now have to divide household and child care duties. 

Even if things are running smoothly, it is still important for you to ensure that you are making a visible contribution to the relationship, if only for the sake of preserving your partner's respect and good feelings for you.  No matter how capable your husband or wife is of holding down a job, raising kids and running a household by his or her self, if you are watching all this from your recliner chair they will resent you! 
 
Getting married is joining a team - if you work together you can be more successful than you would be alone because you're bringing in different skills and abilities, but if one team member doesn't do their part, you will fail. 

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