Is Your Relationship Doomed?!? - Girl or Guy Talk Gone Wrong

One of my relationship idols is Dr. John Gottman. 
He has been tested many times over his long marriage counseling career, and has been proven to be able to sit with a couple for only three minutes, and then predict with 90% accuracy if their relationship will last or not.  
This is obviously amazing, and something that we would all be foolish not to take note of.

Dr. Gottman bases his predictions on body language, heart rate, some specific relationship characteristics, and most of all, how couples talk about their relationship to each other and other people.  This is what I want to focus on in this entry, but I will address the other factors in later entries, or you can read about them for yourself on the Gottman website: http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/  There are many VERY good marriage tips on this page that I highly recommend to my therapy clients.


So, one of the main points that I've taken from Dr. Gottman's work is that couples who talk badly about each other to other people, either when their partner is or is not present, have a very bad prognosis for their relationship. 
The reasoning behind this is:
A - if you are looking for an outlet for your frustration in other people, then either your partner no longer cares or you are no longer trying to work out your issues between yourselves because you have experienced so much failure. 
B- You can subconsciously sense the pending doom and want to cover your bases publicly before it happens.
or C - So much respect has been lost in the relationship that you no longer care to maintain a good face or good boundaries. 

The way that you want other people to think and/or feel about your partner is very much reflective of how you think and/or feel about them.  When healthy couples fight, they usually have negative thoughts towards each other for a while, but they also know deep down that they still love each other and will work through this, so they still respect each other publicly.  Once you have lost this core security, you will also, often without realizing it, want other people to view your partner as negatively as you do.

I watch for this phenomenon among my clients, as well as my own friends, and have seen the accuracy of Dr. Gottman's idea many, many times.  In fact, just this week I learned that some friends of mine broke up after being together for many years.  This didn't surprise me or my husband, because the past several times that we've gone out with them, much of the evening's conversation was about things that they were unhappy with the other person about.  It was kind of awkward, and everytime my husband and I walked away both wondering why they didn't just break-up.
On the flip side, I have a girlfriend who had a rocky patch in her marriage last year.  She would talk about it when we were alone and ask for support or advice, as girls do, but even though she didn't know if they would stay married or not, she never said anything about her husband that was disrespectful or too private.  She always maintained an attitude that they both had a part in their problems, and that either the issues were temporary and would be worked through, or they were just not compatible people.  Sure enough, they are still happily married.

I'm sure everyone has had experiences like these, so start to look around and take notice, and especially evaluate yourself.  If you realize that you talk badly about your partner right in front of him or her, or if you say things to friends when you're alone that you would NEVER want your partner to know that you're saying, you're in a danger zone.

The solution is not just to stop talking badly to other people, but to figure out why you've reached this point and if there's anything left to do to tackle your issues, or if you both even still care enough.  If you're doing it in a desperate attempt to get attention from your partner or to get sympathy from someone else because your partner has started tuning you out completely, refocus your energy on figuring out why the way that you have been addressing issues leads to apathy rather than action, then try something different.  Or, if the relationship is, indeed, too far gone to save, cut your losses, save your dignity, and free yourself to move on with your life.        

Quick Tip: Detoxing

No matter how hard you work from your end to make relationships successful, there are always a few that pop up now and then that are just inherently problematic.  I call these toxic relationships, because they take a lot of time and energy away from the good relationships in your life. 

Some examples of toxic relationships:

• Relationships with Poor Boundaries
• Relationships with Ex's
• One-Sided Relationships (You're giving more than you're receiving)
• Flakey People
• Unstable People
• People with Too Much Drama

It's important to periodically "take stock" of the relationships in your life and detoxify yourself so that you can turn your time and energy back to the relationships that deserve it.  Otherwise, you'll find that you've worked very hard to try to make something work that simply never will, and in the meantime, you've seriously neglected something that would have been successful, so you end up with a double loss.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you always have to eliminate toxic relationships completely - you might, instead, just put up really strong boundaries and significantly reduce that person's role in your life.  Sometimes relationships become toxic because the other person is dealing with an issue in their personal life, and once they get through it they could become a healthy relationship again.  So, if you feel this is the case you might want to hold on to some extent.

This detoxing idea is especially important for those people who chronically try to be "rescuers".  Many of us often feel like we can be the hero in someone's life and subconsciously seek out pity cases so that we can chase the high of feeling like we helped them turn their life around.  To you I say take a serious look back over past relationships like this and honestly look at the outcome pattern - I can guarantee that in most cases, your efforts didn't really change a whole lot.  We really don't have the power to change anyone but ourselves.  So, that's where your time and energy should be focused to truly be happy.

Putting It On Paper - Valentine's Day & Dear John

Valentine's Day is notorious for expressing love through cards, and with the recent popularity of the movie Dear John - a story about love letters - using the written word as a communication tool in relationships is on everyone's minds right now.

The reason that we pause at least once a year on Valentine's Day to write our feelings down is because writing allows us to say things in a different, deeper way than talking.  Writing is one of the most authentic ways to express your emotions, but it also serves several other purposes in relationships.  

For some people, writing is the only way that they feel comfortable expressing their love at all, or the only way that they can say something difficult to someone, like the break-up letter in Dear John.  Writing seems to remove some of the anxiety of difficult conversations.  It's certainly not the best way to tell someone something, but it's better than not doing it at all. 

Also, the written word is everlasting.  Love notes, letters and cards can be saved and looked at again and again as a constant reminder of the feelings in a relationship, and they can even be viewed by future generations.

Writing things down helps them to be said in a much better way because you are able to edit your thoughts, which can't be done as well when you're just talking.  Many people find it hard to articulate their thoughts and feelings, are too emotional in the moment to think clearly, or walk away from a conversation feeling like they didn't say what they meant to.  If you communicate important points through writing instead, or write out what you want to say before talking to someone, your communication will be much more effective.

• For example, in Dear John, John has a hard time talking to his father and telling him how he feels about him.  However, when his father becomes ill, John writes him a letter and is then able to verbalize his feelings by reading the letter out loud to him.  

You can even use writing to express feelings that no one will ever know about.  A common and very helpful tool used in therapy is writing letters to someone who has died, just to finally release whatever has been weighing on your mind that you wish you would have said.  Or, the same thing can be done if you wish you could say something to someone but would never actually do it - write it in a letter to get it out, but then never give it to the person.  

Clearly, writing is a very important part of good communication in relationships.  If you're not using it you should try, but chances are that you're doing it more than anything else.  With email, instant messaging, online social networking and texting, we now have more ways to communicate through writing than ever before, and the bigger problem seems to be not relying on it too much.

This Valentine's Day, tell the important people in your life that you love them by writing it in a card, but don't forget to also show them.     

Listen Up!

Much of my job involves teaching people to express their wants and needs better.  However, communication is a two-way streeet, and the second, equally important part is listening. 

Listening actually requires skills and practice, just as talking does, but this is often overlooked.  In fact, in the 10 years that I've been studying psychology and marriage and family therapy in college, the listening end of communication has only been substantially addressed in one of my classes.  I've learned a lot more about it on my own since then, because working with people in therapy has shown me over and over that just as poorly chosen words can sting, not listening well can also cause damage to a relationship.

Here are a few of the most basic listening tips to get you started:

• First, Listen to Yourself. 
• If you find that you're doing most of the talking, then you need to balance yourself better.  Try to make a point and then be silent to allow the other person to speak also.  The most successful communicators actually do more listening than talking.
• Realize That You Are a Predjudiced Listener.
• What we hear is greatly affected by our background, beliefs, and mood at that moment, and consequently, may not be exactly what the person is saying.  To be a better listener, take what you know about the speaker's background, beliefs and current mood, and try as best as you can to listen from that place.  This takes a tremendous amount of practice!!
• Don't Overreact!
• For every one of us, there are certain topics that just cause an instant gut reaction of anxiety, usually because of something we've experienced in the past.  If you react to your gut reaction by immediately becoming worked up, angry and defensive, then the other person will either just shut down or become confrontational.  Instead, learn to pause, take a deep breath, allow yourself to learn all the facts and then make an objective judgment rather than an emotional one.
• Biggest example that I see regularly: When there is a person that your spouse, child, friend, etc. associates with who you don't like for whatever reason, whenever his or her name comes up in conversation you instantly become reactive and closed off to whatever the person is talking about, even if it is casual conversation.
• Set Aside Your Own Agenda to Truly Listen
• Most of the time when we're listening to someone else talk, we're actually thinking ahead to what we're going to say in response, which usually means that we're busy scanning through our own experiences to find one that matches this person's to share.  Try to catch yourself doing that, and instead, completely focus on what the person is saying - every word.
• Make Sure You Understand     
• Don't hesitate to ask the speaker to clarify if you didn't get it.  Even if you think you do, it's usually a good idea to repeat back what you think you heard and ask the person if you got it right.
• Your Initial Response Should Simply Be Acknowledgment
• Start by just letting the person know that you have fully heard and appreciated what they said.  Let them know that you understand why they are feeling that way.
• The worst ways to respond:
• "That reminds me of the time..."
• "Oh, how awful!"
• "Well, if I were you..."
• "Have you heard the one about...?"
• "Don't feel that way"
• We naturally want to make bad things go away rather than accepting them, so many of these things are said with good intentions, but in reality, they are telling the person that it's not ok to feel that way or you just don't care.
• Make Sure the Setting Is Right
• If you know that you're not in the right place or time to be a good listener, let the person know, and then set up a better place and time.
• For example, I often come home from work several hours after my husband, and by that time he has relaxed and has a lot on his mind to tell me.  He used to start talking as soon as I walked in the door, and would then feel frustrated when I wasn't listening well.  I finally told him that I need at least 10 minutes to set my things down, change, and detox my brain before I'm ready to focus on him.  So, that was an easy fix and now our end-of-day communication is much better for both of us. 

To learn much more about being a good listener, I highly recommend Dr. Michael Nichols book -
The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships
It is the best I've ever read on this topic, and is very user-friendly for those who are scared of self-help books.