Putting It On Paper - Valentine's Day & Dear John

Valentine's Day is notorious for expressing love through cards, and with the recent popularity of the movie Dear John - a story about love letters - using the written word as a communication tool in relationships is on everyone's minds right now.

The reason that we pause at least once a year on Valentine's Day to write our feelings down is because writing allows us to say things in a different, deeper way than talking.  Writing is one of the most authentic ways to express your emotions, but it also serves several other purposes in relationships.  

For some people, writing is the only way that they feel comfortable expressing their love at all, or the only way that they can say something difficult to someone, like the break-up letter in Dear John.  Writing seems to remove some of the anxiety of difficult conversations.  It's certainly not the best way to tell someone something, but it's better than not doing it at all. 

Also, the written word is everlasting.  Love notes, letters and cards can be saved and looked at again and again as a constant reminder of the feelings in a relationship, and they can even be viewed by future generations.

Writing things down helps them to be said in a much better way because you are able to edit your thoughts, which can't be done as well when you're just talking.  Many people find it hard to articulate their thoughts and feelings, are too emotional in the moment to think clearly, or walk away from a conversation feeling like they didn't say what they meant to.  If you communicate important points through writing instead, or write out what you want to say before talking to someone, your communication will be much more effective.

• For example, in Dear John, John has a hard time talking to his father and telling him how he feels about him.  However, when his father becomes ill, John writes him a letter and is then able to verbalize his feelings by reading the letter out loud to him.  

You can even use writing to express feelings that no one will ever know about.  A common and very helpful tool used in therapy is writing letters to someone who has died, just to finally release whatever has been weighing on your mind that you wish you would have said.  Or, the same thing can be done if you wish you could say something to someone but would never actually do it - write it in a letter to get it out, but then never give it to the person.  

Clearly, writing is a very important part of good communication in relationships.  If you're not using it you should try, but chances are that you're doing it more than anything else.  With email, instant messaging, online social networking and texting, we now have more ways to communicate through writing than ever before, and the bigger problem seems to be not relying on it too much.

This Valentine's Day, tell the important people in your life that you love them by writing it in a card, but don't forget to also show them.