Listen Up!

Much of my job involves teaching people to express their wants and needs better.  However, communication is a two-way streeet, and the second, equally important part is listening. 

Listening actually requires skills and practice, just as talking does, but this is often overlooked.  In fact, in the 10 years that I've been studying psychology and marriage and family therapy in college, the listening end of communication has only been substantially addressed in one of my classes.  I've learned a lot more about it on my own since then, because working with people in therapy has shown me over and over that just as poorly chosen words can sting, not listening well can also cause damage to a relationship.

Here are a few of the most basic listening tips to get you started:

• First, Listen to Yourself. 
• If you find that you're doing most of the talking, then you need to balance yourself better.  Try to make a point and then be silent to allow the other person to speak also.  The most successful communicators actually do more listening than talking.
• Realize That You Are a Predjudiced Listener.
• What we hear is greatly affected by our background, beliefs, and mood at that moment, and consequently, may not be exactly what the person is saying.  To be a better listener, take what you know about the speaker's background, beliefs and current mood, and try as best as you can to listen from that place.  This takes a tremendous amount of practice!!
• Don't Overreact!
• For every one of us, there are certain topics that just cause an instant gut reaction of anxiety, usually because of something we've experienced in the past.  If you react to your gut reaction by immediately becoming worked up, angry and defensive, then the other person will either just shut down or become confrontational.  Instead, learn to pause, take a deep breath, allow yourself to learn all the facts and then make an objective judgment rather than an emotional one.
• Biggest example that I see regularly: When there is a person that your spouse, child, friend, etc. associates with who you don't like for whatever reason, whenever his or her name comes up in conversation you instantly become reactive and closed off to whatever the person is talking about, even if it is casual conversation.
• Set Aside Your Own Agenda to Truly Listen
• Most of the time when we're listening to someone else talk, we're actually thinking ahead to what we're going to say in response, which usually means that we're busy scanning through our own experiences to find one that matches this person's to share.  Try to catch yourself doing that, and instead, completely focus on what the person is saying - every word.
• Make Sure You Understand     
• Don't hesitate to ask the speaker to clarify if you didn't get it.  Even if you think you do, it's usually a good idea to repeat back what you think you heard and ask the person if you got it right.
• Your Initial Response Should Simply Be Acknowledgment
• Start by just letting the person know that you have fully heard and appreciated what they said.  Let them know that you understand why they are feeling that way.
• The worst ways to respond:
• "That reminds me of the time..."
• "Oh, how awful!"
• "Well, if I were you..."
• "Have you heard the one about...?"
• "Don't feel that way"
• We naturally want to make bad things go away rather than accepting them, so many of these things are said with good intentions, but in reality, they are telling the person that it's not ok to feel that way or you just don't care.
• Make Sure the Setting Is Right
• If you know that you're not in the right place or time to be a good listener, let the person know, and then set up a better place and time.
• For example, I often come home from work several hours after my husband, and by that time he has relaxed and has a lot on his mind to tell me.  He used to start talking as soon as I walked in the door, and would then feel frustrated when I wasn't listening well.  I finally told him that I need at least 10 minutes to set my things down, change, and detox my brain before I'm ready to focus on him.  So, that was an easy fix and now our end-of-day communication is much better for both of us. 

To learn much more about being a good listener, I highly recommend Dr. Michael Nichols book -
The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships
It is the best I've ever read on this topic, and is very user-friendly for those who are scared of self-help books.