The Marriage Ref

Tonight is the series premiere of Jerry Seinfeld's new show, The Marriage Ref, and we are already hearing a lot of buzz about it.  The concept is that real couples each get to present their sides to some ongoing argument or problem that they have, and then the ref, with help from a panel of celebrity judges, will make a decision on who's right and who's wrong.  We already got a sneak peek last Sunday night, and anyone who's married is definitely going to think that this show is hilarious.

The reason that this show is so funny, as Jerry Seinfeld has explained in various interviews this week, is because couples always wish that there could be a definitive solution to their problems - one person is right, and one person is wrong, so then that person changes - but in reality, we all know that things just don't work that way.   

As a therapist, I'm very excited for this show because The Marriage Ref, through humor, kindly shows us the ridiculousness of playing what I call "The Blame Game", which is the biggest set-back that most couples face.  In my office, I have spent hours and hours watching couples trying to resolve their problems by fighting about who is the bigger bad guy, because our instinct tells us that if we can determine that, then one person will be off the hook for having to change their ways. This is exactly the premise of the show, and in fact, many people come to couples counseling expecting the therapist to be a marriage ref and determine a winner. 

Unfortunately, in real life, trying to figure out which spouse is to blame for various relationship problems is a huge waste of time and energy.  No one ever wins "the blame game" because no matter how good your argument or evidence is, the other person is never going to back down and admit that it's all their fault.  More so, they are never going to change because you think they should.  

During their appearance on Oprah this week, Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa gave a glossary of terms that they made up for things that happen during fights between spouses, including bringing up long-past incidents, and saying "Well at least I'm not...". 
You can read it here:  http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Tom-Papa-and-Jerry-Seinfelds-Marriage-Glossary
These are classic illustrations of "the blame game", and again, these things are really funny because they're really so true - we just don't realize in the moment when we're having an argument how silly many of the things that we do and say are.  I'm sure you will recognize yourself having done at least one of these.

It's hard to understand and accept, but people in successful marriages come to realize that every problem has responsibility on both sides.  Sometimes, your responsibility in a problem is just the fact that you put up with the behavior, but even this puts some blame on your shoulders too.  So, rather than wishing that you could have a marriage ref in your own home, a better use of your time and energy is to focus on figuring out what role YOU play in the problems, and then changing yourself.  Ultimately, that's the only person that you have the power to change anyway.