How Much Is Too Much? Laying Down The Line By Having Good Boundaries

"Boundaries" is a word that gets tossed around my office a lot when people are talking about their relationships, but it seems to be a point of much confusion.  I have found that most people generally know when someone has poor boundaries or when their boundaries have been violated, but they usually can't define exactly what "having good boundaries" means.    
Boundaries are important in every relationship, from the most casual to the most serious, but what are they?  What does having good boundaries mean? 

Boundaries are basically rules that protect relationships by making everyone involved feel comfortable.  They can be spoken or unspoken.  Having good boundaries means not allowing other people to become too enmeshed in your life - to be close to you, but not too close

Having good boundaries includes: 

• Not continually responding when someone is too needy - setting limits on how much time and energy we give.
• Keeping professional relationships professional.
• Not telling too much too soon and not asking personal questions when we've just met someone.
• As adults, not allowing our parents to continue to dictate how we should live our lives.
• Ensuring that you and your spouse both have some alone time periodically.
• Not trying to be everyone's free therapist.
• Being reasonable about the number of family gatherings/events that you attend.
• Not sharing intimate details without the involved person's knowledge or consent.
• If you are in a serious relationship, being cautious about your interactions with friends of the opposite sex.

If you feel overwhelmed by someone or feel uncomfortable with their level of involvement in your life, then you have poor boundaries.  WAIT!! - Isn't it the other person that has poor boundaries??  Remember, both sides are to blame - so even though the other person is the one overstepping the boundary, you are also at fault if you allow them to do it.  We can't control what other people do, but we can control what we allow in our lives.

So, in order to set good boundaries, you must be a strong and confident person.  If you worry a lot about other people liking you, then you will usually go to any length to do what they want and stay in their lives and keep them in yours, which usually means letting down your boundaries.  Of course, the other extreme is being arrogant and pushing everyone away, so the trick is to find the happy middle ground of being a warm, generous and approachable person, but also maintaining good boundaries.

Ironically, when people have poor boundaries they are usually trying to bring people closer to them, but actually, too much involvement always ends up driving people away.  A good way to ensure success with someone whom you have to set boundaries with is to find other ways to reassure them that you care about them and will stay in their life.

I have also found that writing boundaries down on paper can be really helpful.
If you are setting boundaries for yourself, it will force you to really think about what terms you want to put on different relationships in your life to make yourself more comfortable, and then you will have a visual reminder whenever you find it difficult to say "no" or hold your ground. 
If you are setting boundaries that involve another person, then writing them down is also helpful to be sure that everyone's on the same page and in agreement.  For example, you and your spouse could sit down and come up with ways that you can maintain friendships with the opposite sex, yet have both of you feel comfortable with it.  Or, if you're dealing with a particularly invasive person, then you might sit with them and write down, so that there are no confusions, exactly what you will and will not do for them in the future. 

Too much of anything is never good.  Protect your relationships by keeping them in check with good boundaries.