For All You Lovebirds Out There...

With all the problems and hard work that go along with it, why do we get married or commit our life to someone else?  What do we get out of it?
Most people answer this question with things like "to always be loved," "to have support and companionship," or "to have a partner and friend."
But one of the greatest benefits of being in a committed relationship is the one that most people don't utilize: Being a mirror to your spouse.

Something that we can never do as individuals is see ourselves as other people see us.  However, we get this opportunity through a relationship with someone who knows us better than anyone and where we are secure in their love, even when they point out our weaknesses.  So, being a mirror to your partner means showing them the things that are great about them, as well as the things that they could do better at. 

Obviously, the first part is much easier than the second, but the good and the bad go hand-in-hand.  We tend to avoid anything "negative" - hearing or telling - but without taking advantage of the amazing opportunity to get feedback through the eyes of love, we can never grow or develop to our maximum potential.  I believe that you are doing a great disservice to your spouse if you do not occasionally gently show them ways that they could improve.  This could include an annoying habit, an awkward social situation, a weak personality trait, underutilizing a strength, or even the need to lose weight or be healthier.

Haven't you ever looked at someone and thought "Why doesn't someone just tell them...?"  I feel that this is a big part of my job as a therapist - to give my clients honest, yet loving, feedback about how they're coming across to others - and they are always very grateful for it, because most people won't just tell us these things that could help us so much because they're afraid to hurt us. But, really, who better to tell us then the one who loves us most?

I have seen far too many marriages where starting off, the spouses think that the best way to stay happy is to overlook problems and only be positive. Then, 10 or 15 years down the road, little issues left unspoken have compounded into much bigger things, and now no one knows how to even begin to approach it. Plus, we don't always realize that brushing over things is a form of dishonesty, so always trying to be "nice" ultimately leads to a lack of trust.  As long as you maintain the general ratio of 10% criticism to 90% praise, you can feel confident that you're not being too harsh.

In order to have such a rewarding relationship, you must first feel secure enough in your love to know that criticisms from your partner are coming from a place of love, truly wanting to help you be a better person, rather than an attack.  Both people must mutually accept that they are each imperfect, and have chosen to love each other knowing their imperfections, but want to strive together to always try to be better.  They must both internalize that their weaknesses are just the natural hurdles of life to keep you on your toes, and not potential dealbreakers.  Of course, this does not include damaging problems, like anger or drug or sexual addiction.  For those considering marriage, if you do not feel this type of security with your partner, then consider that a red flag.

However, even if you are at this level with your partner, you still must learn how to present criticisms in a way that will make them as easy as possible to hear. 

• Always accompany criticism with praise. 
• Keep it light - Use a tone that implies that this is just a minor fix, and not a huge character flaw.
• Mention your own struggles in the same conversation.
• Hug and kiss.
• Reiterate that you love them for always trying to be better.

So, if you have big relationship issues, get those solved first before you even attempt this.  But if your relationship is already pretty good, start to make it great by having a conversation with your spouse about being better critics to each other.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Elton John had it so right - Apologizing is tough!

Saying "Sorry" in a meaningful way is a skill that takes practice, but something that every relationship could use more of.  We are usually very quick to want an apology when we feel that we are owed one, but very slow to give one when we're at fault.  Why?  Because most of us just don't know how to do it well while also protecting our own egos.  As children we are taught to apologize, but it's usually a quick "I'm sorry" with little meaning or follow-up, and often accompanied by a dramatic eye roll. 
Here's a guide to teaching yourself as an adult to become a better apologizer:

-Start off slowly - First, just become comfortable with admitting that you're wrong.  
I had a really tough time with this myself, so I took baby steps.  Start by finding small, relatively insignificant things that you can apologize for: "I'm sorry that: I wasn't able to clean the house today, I forgot to let you know that I had to stay late tonight, I was distracted while you were trying to talk to me, etc..."  At first, just saying the words "I'm sorry" is going to take a lot of forced effort, but the more you do it, the easier it will come.  You may even want to start off by writing it in an email or letter. 

-Begin to realize what you should apologize for - it seems obvious, but is not always to the unpracticed apologizer. As you force yourself to find the little things that you can use for practice, you will quickly realize how many situations in life can be quickly smoothed over with an apology.

-Apologies are ALWAYS awkward, so try to minimize the awkwardness as much as possible. 
If you haven't been a good apologizer up to now, people are going to be a little surprised at first.  Go into it expecting to get weird looks or sarcastic responses the first few times, and remember that it's as different for them as it is for you, so they're just not sure how to react initially.  However, even when it becomes more frequent, people are never quite sure how to react to an apology, so I always try to follow it up with some humor, or change the topic pretty quickly.  Remember, just acknowledging that you were wrong is usually enough - it doesn't always have to be a long, drawn out conversation. 

-BUT, always make it meaningful. 
Even quick, simple apologies should let the person know that you really are sorry and you sincerely will try to do better.  Make sure that you look them in the eyes and maybe hold their hands or include a hug and kiss.  Use a sincere tone of voice - not like when you were a kid and were only sorry that you got caught!

-Learn that apologizing is actually a way to get what you want.
When you are quick to apologize, the people around you will naturally follow suit.  If no one ever apologizes, then the person who steps out and does it becomes the weak one, but once one person softens themselves, then everyone else can easily admit that they're wrong without having their egos threatened.  We have all experienced the awkward stand-off where both people know that they should apologize but neither wants to be the first one.  Don't be afraid to be the first one to give in, because ultimately you're the one who's making things better for everyone.  This is something that you have to think about for a while to really wrap your mind around.

In addition, when you apologize for the shortcomings that are yours to take responsibility for, then you can fairly make requests of what you would like the other person to acknowledge.  Example: "I'm really sorry that I've been missing a lot of important things lately, but I am pretty busy right now so I really need you to tell me ahead of time so I can plan in advance."  The "blame game" that I talk about so frequently can't happen when one person readily admits their own faults, so by doing so, you automatically create productive conversation that will give you results. 

-Remember that you don't have to receive forgiveness. 
The purpose of apologizing is to prove that you have gained insight about yourself and want to acknowledge your weaknesses.  It is NOT begging someone to love you.  Don't become a martyr and use apologizing to get the other person to reassure you.

-Once you have become comfortable with apologizing, slowly start to go deeper. 
Begin apologizing for bigger things, like the damage you caused when you were drinking too much, or the fact that you always tend to be too critical.  Conversations like this require sitting down face-to-face and really putting emotion behind what you're saying, but they create major healing and deep connection in relationships.  Fights will always happen, but if they're followed up with a good apology, then they will lead to growth rather than harm.

Quick Tip: Taking Walks

There is one very simple "prescription" that I give for EVERY relationship - parent and child, brother and sister, husband and wife, friends... - Any relationship can benefit from taking walks together.

It sounds almost silly, but I have seen the simple act of taking walks together make huge changes in relationships, and I strongly recommend this to be the first 'step' you take - whether your relationship is good and you want it better, or bad and you want to fix it - and something that you always continue to do.

Here's why taking a walk together is so great:

• Anyone can do it - Walking is easy and can be done to some degree by any age or ability level.
• It's Free - Even if you can't afford therapy or date nights, you can go on walks.
• Fits into any time schedule - You can walk for 10 minutes, go on a long hike, or anything in between.
• It's exercise, and we all need more of that.
• It gets you out of the house and away from the TV.
• It's relaxing and relieves stress.
• It is the perfect setting for good talks - No distractions.

Walking can also be a replacement for eating out together, which seems to be the #1 way that most of us connect with people, but is usually expensive and unhealthy. 

I don't know of anything else that has so many benefits wrapped up into one simple package.  It's really just foolish not to make walking a part of your life.

 

So, if you want to do something RIGHT NOW - excuse free - to improve a relationship in your life, Take A Walk!  Go to the beach, the park, around your neighborhood, or even around the shopping mall if the weather is bad.  You'll be on the path to success!