For All You Lovebirds Out There...

With all the problems and hard work that go along with it, why do we get married or commit our life to someone else?  What do we get out of it?
Most people answer this question with things like "to always be loved," "to have support and companionship," or "to have a partner and friend."
But one of the greatest benefits of being in a committed relationship is the one that most people don't utilize: Being a mirror to your spouse.

Something that we can never do as individuals is see ourselves as other people see us.  However, we get this opportunity through a relationship with someone who knows us better than anyone and where we are secure in their love, even when they point out our weaknesses.  So, being a mirror to your partner means showing them the things that are great about them, as well as the things that they could do better at. 

Obviously, the first part is much easier than the second, but the good and the bad go hand-in-hand.  We tend to avoid anything "negative" - hearing or telling - but without taking advantage of the amazing opportunity to get feedback through the eyes of love, we can never grow or develop to our maximum potential.  I believe that you are doing a great disservice to your spouse if you do not occasionally gently show them ways that they could improve.  This could include an annoying habit, an awkward social situation, a weak personality trait, underutilizing a strength, or even the need to lose weight or be healthier.

Haven't you ever looked at someone and thought "Why doesn't someone just tell them...?"  I feel that this is a big part of my job as a therapist - to give my clients honest, yet loving, feedback about how they're coming across to others - and they are always very grateful for it, because most people won't just tell us these things that could help us so much because they're afraid to hurt us. But, really, who better to tell us then the one who loves us most?

I have seen far too many marriages where starting off, the spouses think that the best way to stay happy is to overlook problems and only be positive. Then, 10 or 15 years down the road, little issues left unspoken have compounded into much bigger things, and now no one knows how to even begin to approach it. Plus, we don't always realize that brushing over things is a form of dishonesty, so always trying to be "nice" ultimately leads to a lack of trust.  As long as you maintain the general ratio of 10% criticism to 90% praise, you can feel confident that you're not being too harsh.

In order to have such a rewarding relationship, you must first feel secure enough in your love to know that criticisms from your partner are coming from a place of love, truly wanting to help you be a better person, rather than an attack.  Both people must mutually accept that they are each imperfect, and have chosen to love each other knowing their imperfections, but want to strive together to always try to be better.  They must both internalize that their weaknesses are just the natural hurdles of life to keep you on your toes, and not potential dealbreakers.  Of course, this does not include damaging problems, like anger or drug or sexual addiction.  For those considering marriage, if you do not feel this type of security with your partner, then consider that a red flag.

However, even if you are at this level with your partner, you still must learn how to present criticisms in a way that will make them as easy as possible to hear. 

• Always accompany criticism with praise. 
• Keep it light - Use a tone that implies that this is just a minor fix, and not a huge character flaw.
• Mention your own struggles in the same conversation.
• Hug and kiss.
• Reiterate that you love them for always trying to be better.

So, if you have big relationship issues, get those solved first before you even attempt this.  But if your relationship is already pretty good, start to make it great by having a conversation with your spouse about being better critics to each other.