Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Elton John had it so right - Apologizing is tough!

Saying "Sorry" in a meaningful way is a skill that takes practice, but something that every relationship could use more of.  We are usually very quick to want an apology when we feel that we are owed one, but very slow to give one when we're at fault.  Why?  Because most of us just don't know how to do it well while also protecting our own egos.  As children we are taught to apologize, but it's usually a quick "I'm sorry" with little meaning or follow-up, and often accompanied by a dramatic eye roll. 
Here's a guide to teaching yourself as an adult to become a better apologizer:

-Start off slowly - First, just become comfortable with admitting that you're wrong.  
I had a really tough time with this myself, so I took baby steps.  Start by finding small, relatively insignificant things that you can apologize for: "I'm sorry that: I wasn't able to clean the house today, I forgot to let you know that I had to stay late tonight, I was distracted while you were trying to talk to me, etc..."  At first, just saying the words "I'm sorry" is going to take a lot of forced effort, but the more you do it, the easier it will come.  You may even want to start off by writing it in an email or letter. 

-Begin to realize what you should apologize for - it seems obvious, but is not always to the unpracticed apologizer. As you force yourself to find the little things that you can use for practice, you will quickly realize how many situations in life can be quickly smoothed over with an apology.

-Apologies are ALWAYS awkward, so try to minimize the awkwardness as much as possible. 
If you haven't been a good apologizer up to now, people are going to be a little surprised at first.  Go into it expecting to get weird looks or sarcastic responses the first few times, and remember that it's as different for them as it is for you, so they're just not sure how to react initially.  However, even when it becomes more frequent, people are never quite sure how to react to an apology, so I always try to follow it up with some humor, or change the topic pretty quickly.  Remember, just acknowledging that you were wrong is usually enough - it doesn't always have to be a long, drawn out conversation. 

-BUT, always make it meaningful. 
Even quick, simple apologies should let the person know that you really are sorry and you sincerely will try to do better.  Make sure that you look them in the eyes and maybe hold their hands or include a hug and kiss.  Use a sincere tone of voice - not like when you were a kid and were only sorry that you got caught!

-Learn that apologizing is actually a way to get what you want.
When you are quick to apologize, the people around you will naturally follow suit.  If no one ever apologizes, then the person who steps out and does it becomes the weak one, but once one person softens themselves, then everyone else can easily admit that they're wrong without having their egos threatened.  We have all experienced the awkward stand-off where both people know that they should apologize but neither wants to be the first one.  Don't be afraid to be the first one to give in, because ultimately you're the one who's making things better for everyone.  This is something that you have to think about for a while to really wrap your mind around.

In addition, when you apologize for the shortcomings that are yours to take responsibility for, then you can fairly make requests of what you would like the other person to acknowledge.  Example: "I'm really sorry that I've been missing a lot of important things lately, but I am pretty busy right now so I really need you to tell me ahead of time so I can plan in advance."  The "blame game" that I talk about so frequently can't happen when one person readily admits their own faults, so by doing so, you automatically create productive conversation that will give you results. 

-Remember that you don't have to receive forgiveness. 
The purpose of apologizing is to prove that you have gained insight about yourself and want to acknowledge your weaknesses.  It is NOT begging someone to love you.  Don't become a martyr and use apologizing to get the other person to reassure you.

-Once you have become comfortable with apologizing, slowly start to go deeper. 
Begin apologizing for bigger things, like the damage you caused when you were drinking too much, or the fact that you always tend to be too critical.  Conversations like this require sitting down face-to-face and really putting emotion behind what you're saying, but they create major healing and deep connection in relationships.  Fights will always happen, but if they're followed up with a good apology, then they will lead to growth rather than harm.