Using and Abusing

Sadly, there has been a very common theme among the clients that I've been seeing lately:
Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are always a big issue, but my colleagues and I have all noticed a huge increase in addiction problems lately.  Most likely, this is due to the recession and the many stressors that have come along with it.  During the great depression, the United States saw a sharp rise in alcoholism, and many studies since have shown a direct relationship between financial hardship and addiction problems.  In addition, when people are short on cash, they're less likely to get the treatment help that they need. 

Sadly though, drugs and alcohol quickly cause relationships to crumble, only adding to your already long list of problems.  I don't think I need to go into detail about how addictions hurt relationships, but I will answer some other common questions:

How do I know if I have a problem?
Do you drink or use drugs more than 2 days a week?
Do you become high or drunk (unable to drive safely) more than once a week?
Do you think about drugs or alcohol first whenever you have stress, anger or sadness?
Have others around you mentioned your drug or alcohol use?

If you said yes to ANY of these, then your use is a problem.  Don't wait until you're blacking out, getting DUIs, or getting divorced to admit that it's too much.  
The appeal of drugs and alcohol lies in their power to make us forget our worries, not feel for a little while, and even be a different person.  However, when you use them regularly, the people in your life - including you - soon don't even know who the real you is, because they only know the person altered by substances.  Also, relationships exist to give us someone to turn to during tough times, but if you primarily turn to drugs and alcohol for help, then you are betraying your human relationships for your relationships with substances.

What do I do if I'm in a relationship with someone who has a problem?
First, decide if you're in or if you're out.  You either need to do whatever you can to help the person, or get yourself out of it completely, at least until they make serious progress.  Most people try to sit on the fence - waiting to see if the person will do something on their own - but this is not good for you or them.  They need to know how really serious this issue is to you.  

The next step depends on whether or not the person is aware and accepting of their problem. 
If they are, start by offering them compassion and support.  This might be hard if they have already done damage, but is necessary to move them towards change.  Then, gently suggest ways that they might seek help - therapy, rehab, AA, lifestyle changes - and offer to help them through the process.  Many people who have been hurt by an addict feel that he should do this on his own to prove that he wants to change, but I honestly believe that it's impossible to do completely by yourself - every addict needs some help, so don't be afraid to step in, as long as you're actually helping and not just enabling them. 

If the person is in denial, they need to realize that they have a problem in any other way besides you telling them or threatening them.  These things never work.  Instead, be creative.  Talk about becoming healthier in general and focus on other changes like diet and exercise, which may shine light on the addiction also.  Or, go to therapy for another problem, like making your relationship better, and the issue will likely come up there. 

If the person is very resistant, don't endanger yourself by persistently talking about it.  You can get back-up, like the interventions that you see on TV, or you may have to simply tell them that you will have to cut-off your relationship until they can get help.  You cannot allow your life to be ruined by their problem, even though it is heartbreaking to watch.

 

If I have a problem, what can I do besides AA?
This is actually the most common question that I get.  AA, NA and other 12-step programs have great success statistics, and they tend to be the first option that we think of to help with addictions.  But, some people just don't feel comfortable in these groups.  There are alternatives, but I want to emphasize the two most important things offered by 12-step programs, which you should find a way to incorporate in your program, regardless of what it is:

• Support
• 12-step groups provide a large support network, as well as individual sponsors.  It is crucial to have people to lean on who understand what you're going through, but also, you need to have someone to answer to - someone who knows what you're up to all the time.  Most importantly, people who use drugs and/or alcohol usually have friends who do also, and an important part of sobriety is getting new friends who support your sober lifestyle.
• Replacement
• Addictions need healthy replacements.  It's foolish to think that you're going to remove your addiction - which has been serving some purpose in your life - and not replace it with anything, at least temporarily.  AA provides something consistent in your life, so if you're not going to do it, find something else - church, a club, a hobby - anything that's healthy that you can turn to instead.

Even if you don't want to participate in a 12-step group, you must have some kind of structured plan.  Everyone who has ever told me that they're just going to quit now because they've finally hit rock bottom, has failed.

So what can be done at home to help beat addiction?
There are literally hundreds of things, and you should try as many as possible.  The idea is to fill up your life with other, healthy, activities, and keep your mind constantly on sobriety, so no matter how silly or out of the norm for you they seem, if you're really committed to change - try it.  What doesn't work is sitting on the couch and watching TV for hours.  Here are a few ideas:

• Journal
• Take walks
• Foster healthy friendships
• Play with your kids
• Make a collage of your life goals
• Exercise
• Learn a new hobby or pick an old one back up
• Read
• Write apology letters to people who you've hurt
• Do service
• Do art
• Take baths
• Play with your pets
• Go on dates with your spouse
• Do this workbook:

Anything that makes you feel good or helps you deal with stress, anger and sadness is going to be helpful.  Of course, nothing on this list has as powerful of an immediate effect as drugs or alcohol, but you will feel much better the next day.  It's important to constantly remind yourself of the big picture.

When drugs or alcohol are involved in a relationship, it's hard to fix any other problems until that one is addressed.  Addiction is, by far, the most damaging problem to have, and the hardest one to fix.  The greatest thing you can do for all the relationships in your life is to prevent it, or deal with it as early as possible.