What We Can Learn About Relationships From...Simon Cowell??

Tonight we bid farewell to Simon Cowell judging American Idol.  Since the show began, Simon has been the man that we've all loved to hate, and he will certainly be irreplacable.  As we will miss his role on this iconic show, I think it's actually a great opportunity to learn some relationship skills. 

At face value, Simon seems like the mean, unfeeling judge.  But, we can't get enough of him, and many people have said that it's because Simon always says exactly what they're thinking.  It's refreshing to hear the truth.
I think this reveals a very important problem in our society - people afraid to say how they really feel.  We are taught to lie, tiptoe around things, brush over things, or just omit our thoughts completely in order to protect other people's feelings.  Simon, on the other hand, is always very straightforward, even if it's hard to hear.  Though it seems like an act to generate entertainment value, I believe that Simon also genuinely has the intent of being 'real' with the contestants and not giving anyone false hope, so that they won't waste their time pursuing something that will never pan out.  Ultimately, this seems to be a much deeper form of caring than trying to prevent the sting of the moment.

While I certainly wouldn't recommend talking to the dear people in your life the way that Simon talks to the contestants, I do think that we should all try to be more like Simon, in the sense that we are more 'real' with those that we care about.  We need to think beyond our ingrained instinct to protect people and realize that dealing in clear, unmuddled truth is often the most helpful thing we can do.  It is possible to do what Simon does in a slightly gentler way, and I have found that people are always relieved to have straightforward facts, rather than playing the game of trying to sugar-coat things and decipher hints.

As a simple example:  I often hear frustration from men trying to find the right gift for their wives for special occasions, and then frustration right back from those women at not getting what they wanted.  However, neither one wants to talk about it, because the husband doesn't want to admit that he doesn't know what to get, and the wife doesn't want to make the husband feel bad for choosing the wrong thing.  Though at first thought it seems unromantic, if the husband could just tell the wife that he truly wants to please her but isn't good at choosing meaningful gifts, and the wife could just give him some recommendations of things that she would love, both would end up much happier.

There is also a great irony surrounding Simon's straightforward honesty - Whenever he tells the hard truth that isn't pleasant to hear, he is booed and hated.  However, when he gives well-deserved praise, it is then valued so much more than praise coming from the other judges.  The first three can say good things about a performance, but until it comes from Simon's mouth, the deal is not sealed.

Likewise, the praise that we give to those we love is much more effective when we are also honest with our criticisms.  If you are a parent and always tell your children that everything they do is wonderful and perfect, at some point they will realize that that's not true, and stop believing you.  Relationships are much more fulfilling when we can turn to them to safely get truthful feedback.  For more on this, see my recent post about being a mirror to your spouse: For All You Lovebirds Out There

Other traits that Simon has that we could all use to a lesser extent are confidence, a clear sense of his identity, and comfort with being true to himself.  Simon is all-around a one-of-a-kind character, but so is each of us, and we can never be really happy in our relationships until we know who we are and are confident enough to maintain that identity while being in relationships with other unique identities.  Simon loves wearing white T-shirts and is not afraid to do what he loves, even when others judge him for it.  We're all envious.

Simon has given us many laughs, but he has also shown us the respect that comes from daring to be different.  If you, like millions of others, have loved Simon, ask yourself how you can also be more loved.