Couples Retreat - Do You Need One?

I finally saw the movie Couples Retreat last night, and it was awesome!  To sum it up very quickly (without ruining it), it's about four couples who go to an island resort that provides an intensive relationship strengthening program, which of course, involves all kinds of ridiculous "exercises".  In the end, all of the couples have their love renewed, not by the program, but simply by having a good time together, which is something they've neglected for a long time.
 
Besides giving me the great idea to call myself "The Couples Whisperer" from now on, and providing a very humorous look at relationship counseling, the movie made a very good point about couples and their problems:
Often we read far too much into relatively small issues.   

This probably sounds like I'm putting myself out of a job, but from my experience I can't help agreeing with the movie's storyline - that couples often freak out about day-to-day issues that are normal.  These things can usually be solved without a major, professional intervention, but rather, by just putting things into proper perspective and then focusing on your strengths.

The greatest mindset to have for relationship success, is to fully accept and expect that things are not always perfect in even the best relationships.  Without this realization, when we encounter small hiccups our tendency is to automatically snowball our problems in our mind from a minor incident to a major conflict of interest, as the couples in this movie did.  With this realization, however, we can take these minor incidents in stride, do something to renew positive feelings, and move on.  

I find that a big part of my job is simply telling people that there is nothing unusual about their frustrations.  For example, today I had a couple tell me that they always end up fighting when they go on vacation.  This is very unusual, but after talking about it for ten minutes, we realized that every "vacation" they've ever taken, except one, involved family - going to weddings or graduations, reunions, or visiting family.  Suddenly it all became clear!  Their issue is no surprise to anyone, because attending family events is definitely in a far different category than vacations, and again, even the best couple has stress during family time!  Sure enough, when they thought about that one vacation that was truly a vacation and didn't involve extended family, they realized that they didn't fight at all that time. 

Like the couples in the movie, this couple's problem doesn't mean that they need to seriously reconsider their whole relationship - it means that their feelings are normal!    

Of course, a big part of the perspective we have on our problems has to do with the level of security we feel in our relationship.  Obviously, couples who are more secure are going to be more likely to let small issues roll off their back, while couples who are otherwise troubled are going to be more affected by every little thing.

So, next time you feel a rough spot in your relationship, before you go off into catastrophic thoughts, stop and breathe and look around at other couples.  Remind yourself that small issues are a normal part of marriage, and then ask yourself honestly if this issue in front of you is really at make-or-break level, or if you just need a romantic vacation.

Thank You!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a peaceful day full of reflection on all that we have, even during these difficult times. 

Being a grateful person is mandatory for filling your life with successful relationships and getting what you want.  It's easy to thank people for the obvious things that they do for you or give you, but to truly reap all the benefits of "an attitude of gratitude," it's important to show thanks for the less obvious things, and to work on making your thank yous genuine and impactful.

I learned this one Thanksgiving as a teenager from a wise church teacher who suggested that we have something to be thankful for in EVERY person that we encounter in life.  This seemed a little dramatic to me, but I really began to think about it as a possibility.  A few days later, I got pulled over for speeding.  As the cop was writing my ticket, I decided to give my teacher's idea a try, and when he came back to the car and handed me the ticket, I said thank you with a smile.  Of course, this seemed very odd, as the usual reaction in this situation is to mutter cuss words under our breath and make our anger and frustration very visible.  However, by forcing myself to find gratitude in my heart for this policeman, I realized that I really am very grateful that he enforces the law to keep me and my community safe.  I was breaking the law, so why should I be upset that he did his job, when if someone else was breaking the law, I would count on him to do the very same thing to protect me?  So, my thank you was sincere, and I obtained a new, more positive perspective on life.  And, if I could do it in this situation, I could do it with anyone else.

I encourage everyone in their relationships to constantly be looking for new things to be thankful for, and repeatedly expressing thanks for the usual things.  I really cannot express enough how much this changes the dynamic of any relationship - from your spouse to the person who serves you at a restaurant.  Even if it seems silly or obvious, think how good it feels whenever you are thanked for your efforts, and how terrible it is when no one seems to notice.  I often hear this tragic line in therapy: "Well I shouldn't have to thank him - he needs to just do it anyway."  While this is true, you'll certainly see even better results if you do express thanks.

For example, my husband and I will frequently thank each other for working hard at our jobs.  Even though we would go to work anyway and we have an inherent knowledge that we are grateful to each other, there is no greater feeling in the world than walking in the house after a long day and being acknowledged and thanked.  This has become a great opportunity for us to show love.  Also, we try to thank each other frequently for the chores we do around the home - One can never be thanked too many times for taking out the trash or cleaning the toilet!

One of the simplest things to do is to try harder to vocalize any grateful thoughts that you have in your head.  I think that often we just neglect to say things that we do notice.  If a friend happened to call just when you were feeling lonely, let her know.  If someone gives you good service at a store, tell their manager or take the time to fill out the comment card.  If a coworker had a good idea that moved your project forward, be sure to tell them, even if it's after the fact.

Finally, make sure that your thank yous are really heard and felt by the other person - not just a casual "thanks" thrown out as you walk by, and definitely not the old "Thanks, but next time please be sure to also..."  Look them in the eye and be dramatic about it!  Everyone loves to have a big deal made out of a small act.

The more you work on expressing thanks, the more you will realize everyday how many great things you are truly surrounded by, and the less severe your problems will seem.  Every relationship in your life will naturally improve, and you will start getting what you want a lot more, because people will know that they will get thanked for it.               

We Need To Talk...

"People can hear anything, if it's said in a spirit of love."

I have noticed that many problems can be solved and much sorrow can be spared by tackling difficult conversations - spouses talking about their finances, homosexual children coming out to their parents, setting boundaries with people who are too needy, or telling a coworker that they're doing something wrong are just a few of the MANY difficult conversations that we face everyday.  Unfortunately, most people don't know how to navigate difficult conversations, and so they tend to avoid them while problems and stress multiply.  That is one of the purposes of this blog.

Therapists spend many of their sessions providing a safe place and some guidance for these difficult conversations to occur, and besides our academic training, the reason we are well-equipped to do that is because we're generally non-judgmental.  The one part of my job that I wish everyone could experience is realizing first-hand that EVERYONE has issues of one sort or another.  Once you truly see this, you become able to love and have some empathy for anyone in any situation, and that's what they need from you in order to be able to make changes. 

The point is, as the great quote above says, anything you might need to tell someone will be much better received if you approach them with an attitude of unconditional love - meaning, "hey, you've got some issues, but so does everyone!  You're no worse off than anyone else."

I grew up in a tight-knit religious community with very high expectations, which I consider to be a great thing, except that when someone did have a problem it became the hot topic of the gossip network and people would tend to slip into the judgmental trap, sometimes without even realizing it.  One day in my early 20's when I was sitting in church looking around at this group of very good people, I realized that there was not one person in that room that I didn't know some piece of "dirt" about - their kid had gotten pregnant or was on drugs, someone was getting divorced, her husband had an affair, they had just filed bankruptcy - the list went on and on.  I also realized then that that didn't mean that the church was bad or the people were bad, but that stuff just happens in life!  Everyone has issues to deal with!  This seems obvious, but it's often really not.  I began thinking that it's funny that our natural tendency as humans is to look down on other people's issues as a way to feel better about our own, rather than acknowledging that we're all in the same boat and we should support and empathize with each other.

Once you look around you, as I did, and truly internalize all of these ideas, you will be prepared to effectively have difficult conversations, because you will then be doing it out of a spirit of love - truly wanting to help the person rather than point out their faults.  Your tone will naturally reflect the fact that you don't think one bit less of the person in front of you because of whatever it is they're doing wrong, and they will love you back for that.

Bad Example: (With a serious, somber face) "You know, your drinking has gotten way out of hand and if you don't do something about this right away you're going to destroy your whole life."

Good Example: (With a smile on your face and a look of compassion in your eye) "Dude, you know you're drinking too much and I know you've got to be as worried about it as I am.  How can I help you?"

 You don't need to make it a huge issue, even if it is one, to have the person take you seriously.  Just relax.  Think like a therapist.  Give the person what they want - love and compassion - and you will get what you want - change.  (And having that scary conversation over with!)

Time Out!

One of the worst parts of my job as a relationship therapist is receiving frantic phone calls from fighting couples who have had a huge blow-out fight that has resulted in sobbing, screaming and usually one or both people leaving in a rage.  This happens more than you might think, and I got one of these calls last night from a couple that I've been working with for a while.

Unfortunate scenes like this confirm my belief that one of the most important skills to have is knowing how and when to give yourself a Time Out. 

No matter how great you are at communicating, everyone encounters topics or situations that may potentially send them over the edge of being uncontrollably mad or sad.  We all know the snowball effect that occurs once you cross this line, so I don't need to explain why it's better to avoid that place.  So, never be afraid to feel smart about using time-outs, but here are some important guidelines:

1. Be Aware of Yourself - Prevention Is Always the Best Cure.
Be honest with yourself about what sets you off, and be up-front with the other person or people in the discussion.  When I have to have a discussion with my husband that I know is touchy, I try whenever possible to tell him right at the beginning, "This is hard for me to talk about, so I may lose it here.  If that happens I'm going to walk away and collect myself for a few minutes."

2. Walk Away When You Feel Things Starting to Get Heated, Not After They're Already On Fire.
Again, I cannot stress enough how much you should not hesitate to take breaks from heavy discussions.  Never feel bad that you are getting angry or emotional, because that's human and normal, and remember that EVERYONE will respect you more for being in tune enough to avoid an ugly scene.  With the exception of extreme ragers with clinical anger problems, almost everyone I talk to in my office tells me that they were aware of themselves reaching the blow-up point, so why don't we stop it there?

3. **Let the Other Person Know That This Will Be Readdressed**
This is by far the most important rule for time outs.  The main reason that people are afraid to use time outs is because without this step, the other person becomes even more angry when they think that you are walking away and just dropping the issue.  It is very frustrating to feel that you haven't been heard out, the other person doesn't care, and this issue is never going to get resolved.
So, to make your time out successful, be sure to vocalize either at the start of the conversation or right before you walk away that this will be readdressed, and if you're able to, give a general idea of when. 
For example, if you find yourself at a stalemate with a coworker who is frustrating you and you know you're about to start yelling, you might say something like: "I'm starting to feel a little frustrated and you might be too, so let's go to lunch and then revisit this afterwards."
You can now see why rule #2 is so important, because if you don't nip your emotions in the bud, you will definitely be past the point of saying something this calm and rational.

4. Take Responsibility For Initiating the Readdressing
It is fair and logical that since you called the time out, you should make sure that you follow-through on readdressing the issue.  Also, you want to make sure that you're ready and that you set the scene to make it go better this time around.  If it doesn't though, don't hesitate to give yourself another time out.  Depending on the issue, time outs may be a few minutes or a few days.  It would be nicer to get the issue resolved more quickly, but it's always better to not risk a blow-out situation.

I think some of the worst marital advice ever given is "Never go to bed angry".  This phrase has made people believe that it's better to either brush your issues aside or fight to the finish, which is definitely very rarely true.  Disagreements take time to be resolved completely and effectively, but when given that time and done properly, they won't keep popping up again and again.  Besides, sometimes a good night's sleep can make everything seem a little better.      

Pot Calling the Kettle Black

I had a young man in my office yesterday who recently broke-up with his girlfriend.  They had reached a point where they were fighting most of the time so decided to move apart, however, both still had some interest in giving the relationship another try, if they could improve things.  Since then, she has been calling or texting him regularly wanting to see him.  He has agreed several times to meet for a meal, but every time they do, she immediately begins throwing a laundry list of his faults at him that he needs to change so their relationship can work.  You can guess how these encounters always end, which is unfortunate, because in the safety of my office, he generally agrees with all of her points.

Sadly, pointing out the other person's faults is the most common way people approach improvement in relationships, but it's very irrational and very ineffective.  Why?  Because when people are attacked they immediately become defensive, walls go up, and then they strike back.  This causes relationships to fall into a deadly pattern that I call The Blame Game, which is a game that no one ever wins. 

We tend to have a very false belief that if someone loves us, they will naturally want to change whatever we point out is a weakness within them.  In reality, they naturally want to point back whatever is a weakness in the accuser. 

A better way to tackle issues in your relationship is to first accept that you have faults too, and even if you can't immediately see it, that you also play a part in every problem in your relationship.  This is harder than it sounds.  Once you have done that, approach the other person by beginning the conversation with you.  Most of the time, when you are quick to point out your flaws, the other person will automatically begin to acknowledge theirs:

Wife: "I know that I've been really naggy lately, and that's something I want to work on.  I don't like being on your back all the time."
Husband: "Well, I haven't been helping out this week as much as I should, but I've been so stressed."

Of course, it isn't always this easy.  It's certainly better when the other person names their own faults, as in the example above, but sometimes people have been playing The Blame Game for so long, that they are automatically highly defensive to anything that the other person says.  In this case, the approach will still work, but you may have to add a step to gently suggest their problem without direct finger-pointing:

Wife: "I know that I've been really naggy lately, and that's something I want to work on. I don't like being on your back all the time."
Husband: "Yes you have, and I don't like it either."
Wife: "Can you help me think of some ways that I can be less naggy but still ask for your help around the house when I need it?"
Husband: "Well I've been very stressed out lately and when you nag me it only adds to that stress and makes me even less likely to do things."
Wife: "So if I can somehow help you relieve your stress a little, then you can help me relieve mine.  Let's work on that."

I don't even need to tell you how this conversation would have gone if the wife would have instead opened with: "You've been so lazy lately and not doing anything I've asked!" because I'm sure you've already been through something very similar to that in your own life!

The goal is to soften the tone of the conversation and make it safe for the other person to admit their faults by freely admtting your own.  Then, rather than wasting tons of time and energy trying to figure out who's to blame and who needs to be the one to change, you are instead getting the real issues right out in the open, making them mutual problems and agreeing to work together on them, and then moving towards finding solutions. 

The most important thing to accept is that it is NOT easy to be the first one to admit that you're wrong and it feels like you're just rolling on your back and admitting defeat to the other person.  So don't kid yourself, and make sure that you're mentally prepared to take the higher, but more difficult, road.  In the end though, you will walk away feeling great because you got what you wanted AND have a peaceful relationship!

Welcome!

Communicating with the opposite sex is a difficult task that we are faced with everyday.  The success of so many relationships - marriage, parent/child, boss and coworkers, siblings and friends - depends on it.  However, most of us are never taught to understand the differences between male and female brains, and how to effectively get through to them to get what we want!

In my private therapy practice, I have made this the focus of my work with individuals, couples and families, and I have seen how gaining these skills can solve so many different problems that people commonly face.  I have especially seen the importance of it in my own marriage. 

In this blog, I hope to share thoughts and tips about different types of relationships, and skills for communicating with the opposite sex - prompted by my daily work - to help you find peace and happiness through successful relationships and getting what you want, just as I and so many of my clients have! 

Please feel free to open discussion through comments and email me questions for possible future topics.