Pot Calling the Kettle Black

I had a young man in my office yesterday who recently broke-up with his girlfriend.  They had reached a point where they were fighting most of the time so decided to move apart, however, both still had some interest in giving the relationship another try, if they could improve things.  Since then, she has been calling or texting him regularly wanting to see him.  He has agreed several times to meet for a meal, but every time they do, she immediately begins throwing a laundry list of his faults at him that he needs to change so their relationship can work.  You can guess how these encounters always end, which is unfortunate, because in the safety of my office, he generally agrees with all of her points.

Sadly, pointing out the other person's faults is the most common way people approach improvement in relationships, but it's very irrational and very ineffective.  Why?  Because when people are attacked they immediately become defensive, walls go up, and then they strike back.  This causes relationships to fall into a deadly pattern that I call The Blame Game, which is a game that no one ever wins. 

We tend to have a very false belief that if someone loves us, they will naturally want to change whatever we point out is a weakness within them.  In reality, they naturally want to point back whatever is a weakness in the accuser. 

A better way to tackle issues in your relationship is to first accept that you have faults too, and even if you can't immediately see it, that you also play a part in every problem in your relationship.  This is harder than it sounds.  Once you have done that, approach the other person by beginning the conversation with you.  Most of the time, when you are quick to point out your flaws, the other person will automatically begin to acknowledge theirs:

Wife: "I know that I've been really naggy lately, and that's something I want to work on.  I don't like being on your back all the time."
Husband: "Well, I haven't been helping out this week as much as I should, but I've been so stressed."

Of course, it isn't always this easy.  It's certainly better when the other person names their own faults, as in the example above, but sometimes people have been playing The Blame Game for so long, that they are automatically highly defensive to anything that the other person says.  In this case, the approach will still work, but you may have to add a step to gently suggest their problem without direct finger-pointing:

Wife: "I know that I've been really naggy lately, and that's something I want to work on. I don't like being on your back all the time."
Husband: "Yes you have, and I don't like it either."
Wife: "Can you help me think of some ways that I can be less naggy but still ask for your help around the house when I need it?"
Husband: "Well I've been very stressed out lately and when you nag me it only adds to that stress and makes me even less likely to do things."
Wife: "So if I can somehow help you relieve your stress a little, then you can help me relieve mine.  Let's work on that."

I don't even need to tell you how this conversation would have gone if the wife would have instead opened with: "You've been so lazy lately and not doing anything I've asked!" because I'm sure you've already been through something very similar to that in your own life!

The goal is to soften the tone of the conversation and make it safe for the other person to admit their faults by freely admtting your own.  Then, rather than wasting tons of time and energy trying to figure out who's to blame and who needs to be the one to change, you are instead getting the real issues right out in the open, making them mutual problems and agreeing to work together on them, and then moving towards finding solutions. 

The most important thing to accept is that it is NOT easy to be the first one to admit that you're wrong and it feels like you're just rolling on your back and admitting defeat to the other person.  So don't kid yourself, and make sure that you're mentally prepared to take the higher, but more difficult, road.  In the end though, you will walk away feeling great because you got what you wanted AND have a peaceful relationship!