Time Out!

One of the worst parts of my job as a relationship therapist is receiving frantic phone calls from fighting couples who have had a huge blow-out fight that has resulted in sobbing, screaming and usually one or both people leaving in a rage.  This happens more than you might think, and I got one of these calls last night from a couple that I've been working with for a while.

Unfortunate scenes like this confirm my belief that one of the most important skills to have is knowing how and when to give yourself a Time Out. 

No matter how great you are at communicating, everyone encounters topics or situations that may potentially send them over the edge of being uncontrollably mad or sad.  We all know the snowball effect that occurs once you cross this line, so I don't need to explain why it's better to avoid that place.  So, never be afraid to feel smart about using time-outs, but here are some important guidelines:

1. Be Aware of Yourself - Prevention Is Always the Best Cure.
Be honest with yourself about what sets you off, and be up-front with the other person or people in the discussion.  When I have to have a discussion with my husband that I know is touchy, I try whenever possible to tell him right at the beginning, "This is hard for me to talk about, so I may lose it here.  If that happens I'm going to walk away and collect myself for a few minutes."

2. Walk Away When You Feel Things Starting to Get Heated, Not After They're Already On Fire.
Again, I cannot stress enough how much you should not hesitate to take breaks from heavy discussions.  Never feel bad that you are getting angry or emotional, because that's human and normal, and remember that EVERYONE will respect you more for being in tune enough to avoid an ugly scene.  With the exception of extreme ragers with clinical anger problems, almost everyone I talk to in my office tells me that they were aware of themselves reaching the blow-up point, so why don't we stop it there?

3. **Let the Other Person Know That This Will Be Readdressed**
This is by far the most important rule for time outs.  The main reason that people are afraid to use time outs is because without this step, the other person becomes even more angry when they think that you are walking away and just dropping the issue.  It is very frustrating to feel that you haven't been heard out, the other person doesn't care, and this issue is never going to get resolved.
So, to make your time out successful, be sure to vocalize either at the start of the conversation or right before you walk away that this will be readdressed, and if you're able to, give a general idea of when. 
For example, if you find yourself at a stalemate with a coworker who is frustrating you and you know you're about to start yelling, you might say something like: "I'm starting to feel a little frustrated and you might be too, so let's go to lunch and then revisit this afterwards."
You can now see why rule #2 is so important, because if you don't nip your emotions in the bud, you will definitely be past the point of saying something this calm and rational.

4. Take Responsibility For Initiating the Readdressing
It is fair and logical that since you called the time out, you should make sure that you follow-through on readdressing the issue.  Also, you want to make sure that you're ready and that you set the scene to make it go better this time around.  If it doesn't though, don't hesitate to give yourself another time out.  Depending on the issue, time outs may be a few minutes or a few days.  It would be nicer to get the issue resolved more quickly, but it's always better to not risk a blow-out situation.

I think some of the worst marital advice ever given is "Never go to bed angry".  This phrase has made people believe that it's better to either brush your issues aside or fight to the finish, which is definitely very rarely true.  Disagreements take time to be resolved completely and effectively, but when given that time and done properly, they won't keep popping up again and again.  Besides, sometimes a good night's sleep can make everything seem a little better.