We Need To Talk...

"People can hear anything, if it's said in a spirit of love."

I have noticed that many problems can be solved and much sorrow can be spared by tackling difficult conversations - spouses talking about their finances, homosexual children coming out to their parents, setting boundaries with people who are too needy, or telling a coworker that they're doing something wrong are just a few of the MANY difficult conversations that we face everyday.  Unfortunately, most people don't know how to navigate difficult conversations, and so they tend to avoid them while problems and stress multiply.  That is one of the purposes of this blog.

Therapists spend many of their sessions providing a safe place and some guidance for these difficult conversations to occur, and besides our academic training, the reason we are well-equipped to do that is because we're generally non-judgmental.  The one part of my job that I wish everyone could experience is realizing first-hand that EVERYONE has issues of one sort or another.  Once you truly see this, you become able to love and have some empathy for anyone in any situation, and that's what they need from you in order to be able to make changes. 

The point is, as the great quote above says, anything you might need to tell someone will be much better received if you approach them with an attitude of unconditional love - meaning, "hey, you've got some issues, but so does everyone!  You're no worse off than anyone else."

I grew up in a tight-knit religious community with very high expectations, which I consider to be a great thing, except that when someone did have a problem it became the hot topic of the gossip network and people would tend to slip into the judgmental trap, sometimes without even realizing it.  One day in my early 20's when I was sitting in church looking around at this group of very good people, I realized that there was not one person in that room that I didn't know some piece of "dirt" about - their kid had gotten pregnant or was on drugs, someone was getting divorced, her husband had an affair, they had just filed bankruptcy - the list went on and on.  I also realized then that that didn't mean that the church was bad or the people were bad, but that stuff just happens in life!  Everyone has issues to deal with!  This seems obvious, but it's often really not.  I began thinking that it's funny that our natural tendency as humans is to look down on other people's issues as a way to feel better about our own, rather than acknowledging that we're all in the same boat and we should support and empathize with each other.

Once you look around you, as I did, and truly internalize all of these ideas, you will be prepared to effectively have difficult conversations, because you will then be doing it out of a spirit of love - truly wanting to help the person rather than point out their faults.  Your tone will naturally reflect the fact that you don't think one bit less of the person in front of you because of whatever it is they're doing wrong, and they will love you back for that.

Bad Example: (With a serious, somber face) "You know, your drinking has gotten way out of hand and if you don't do something about this right away you're going to destroy your whole life."

Good Example: (With a smile on your face and a look of compassion in your eye) "Dude, you know you're drinking too much and I know you've got to be as worried about it as I am.  How can I help you?"

 You don't need to make it a huge issue, even if it is one, to have the person take you seriously.  Just relax.  Think like a therapist.  Give the person what they want - love and compassion - and you will get what you want - change.  (And having that scary conversation over with!)