Couples Retreat - Do You Need One?

I finally saw the movie Couples Retreat last night, and it was awesome!  To sum it up very quickly (without ruining it), it's about four couples who go to an island resort that provides an intensive relationship strengthening program, which of course, involves all kinds of ridiculous "exercises".  In the end, all of the couples have their love renewed, not by the program, but simply by having a good time together, which is something they've neglected for a long time.
 
Besides giving me the great idea to call myself "The Couples Whisperer" from now on, and providing a very humorous look at relationship counseling, the movie made a very good point about couples and their problems:
Often we read far too much into relatively small issues.   

This probably sounds like I'm putting myself out of a job, but from my experience I can't help agreeing with the movie's storyline - that couples often freak out about day-to-day issues that are normal.  These things can usually be solved without a major, professional intervention, but rather, by just putting things into proper perspective and then focusing on your strengths.

The greatest mindset to have for relationship success, is to fully accept and expect that things are not always perfect in even the best relationships.  Without this realization, when we encounter small hiccups our tendency is to automatically snowball our problems in our mind from a minor incident to a major conflict of interest, as the couples in this movie did.  With this realization, however, we can take these minor incidents in stride, do something to renew positive feelings, and move on.  

I find that a big part of my job is simply telling people that there is nothing unusual about their frustrations.  For example, today I had a couple tell me that they always end up fighting when they go on vacation.  This is very unusual, but after talking about it for ten minutes, we realized that every "vacation" they've ever taken, except one, involved family - going to weddings or graduations, reunions, or visiting family.  Suddenly it all became clear!  Their issue is no surprise to anyone, because attending family events is definitely in a far different category than vacations, and again, even the best couple has stress during family time!  Sure enough, when they thought about that one vacation that was truly a vacation and didn't involve extended family, they realized that they didn't fight at all that time. 

Like the couples in the movie, this couple's problem doesn't mean that they need to seriously reconsider their whole relationship - it means that their feelings are normal!    

Of course, a big part of the perspective we have on our problems has to do with the level of security we feel in our relationship.  Obviously, couples who are more secure are going to be more likely to let small issues roll off their back, while couples who are otherwise troubled are going to be more affected by every little thing.

So, next time you feel a rough spot in your relationship, before you go off into catastrophic thoughts, stop and breathe and look around at other couples.  Remind yourself that small issues are a normal part of marriage, and then ask yourself honestly if this issue in front of you is really at make-or-break level, or if you just need a romantic vacation.