New Year's Relationship Resolution: Do Something Different!

Happy New Year!

As we think about changes for the coming year, I'd like to give you a simple idea for improving your relationships:
Figure out a pattern that you've been stuck in that hasn't been getting you the results you want, and then try doing something different. 

Every relationship has room to be a little better - whether it's already great and could just use some more effective communication skills, or if it's falling apart and needs to be rescued.  However, change doesn't happen unless we DO SOMETHING, and the quickest way to make change happen is to start trying different things.  
Some of the things you try won't work, but that's ok, because then you are closer to finding what does work.  Don't be afraid to fail, because you're already failing at whatever it is that's not happening right.  You've just got to get some movement going or you will remain stuck in the same pattern that hasn't been successful and will continue to not be successful.

Some examples:

If your standard reaction to your partner doing something you don't like is to sulk and give the silent treatment while waiting for them to take notice and ask what's wrong, but then you never feel like the issue gets resolved, try doing the opposite and initiating a conversation:  "I've got an issue that I need to discuss with you.  Please sit down here with me for a few minutes."

If you find yourself always giving your time and energy and not receiving much in return, try saying "no" a few times.

If you always find yourself nagging people to get them to do what you want, try instead to take the time to explain how doing it could benefit them: "If you could help me with the household chores a little bit more, then I will have more time to do fun things with you."

If your partner has a hobby or interest that you don't care about and your standard reaction when they talk about it is to roll your eyes and make snide comments, try instead to be interested and supportive.

The possibilities are endless, and even small pattern changes can make a big difference:

If you usually communicate primarily by text or email, try utilizing phone or face-to-face contact more often.

If you always eat dinner in front of the TV, try turning it off a few nights a week and sitting around the table.

If you find that you often do most of the talking, try asking more questions and then sitting back to listen to the answers.

Basically, this is what I do in therapy - Help people discover unhealthy or disfunctional relationship patterns and then change them.  It is much easier to do with an outsider's perspective, but you can also train yourself to do it on your own.

The first step is to recognize what's not working.  This is hard, because you've probably been doing it for so long that you don't even notice it, and it's not a natural thing to critique yourself.  Try to observe when others around you seem irritated, listen to their complaints about you, and figure out things in relationships that you are trying hard to get but still are not.  These are going to be your best clues about where to start.

Then how do you know what to try?  Anything different!  The more out-of-the-box you can think, the better. 
A very important note: You must realize that people around you will be surprised and a bit uncomfortable when you start trying different things, because they have also become used to your patterns.  Expect this reaction and expect that it might take a few times before they respond.  However, if something new still isn't working after a few good efforts, give it up and try something else.
In serious cases when relationships are really going badly, I recommend that you tell the other person outright that you are going to be trying some different things.

Rocking the boat in relationships can be scary, but it is the only way to get change.  This year, take control of your own happiness by being the one brave enough to say "This isn't working!" and then try different things.

In addition, I strongly encourage you to also continually work on the three most popular New Year's resolutions of physical fitness, money management, and time management, as these are vital components to your relationship success.  In fact, they are the areas that couples fight about most!

Wishing you an even happier and more successful 2010!