Making Family Time = Fun Time

Are you spending some good, quality family time this summer? 

With kids out of school, reunions, trips, weddings, and cook-outs, summer tends to include a lot more family togetherness - which is great - but we all know that it can also be draining.

Here are some tips to keep together time from becoming overwhelming:

• Take care of yourself.
• The tendency during family time is to go along with whatever the group wants to do, but that can be exhausting after a while.  Be agreeable, but don't be afraid to maintain your own indivduality - if there's something that you want to do, speak up!  If you realize that you're fading fast, slip away for a nap or some rest time.  If you want to stick to a special diet, do what it takes to get healthy food, even when everyone else is indulging.    
• Along with that, realize that everyone needs a little alone time
• We naturally want to - and sometimes feel obligated to - maximize our time with family when it's available, especially if we're with relatives that we don't get to see very often. However, you can have too much of a good thing. Make some time out for yourself, even if it's just a few extra minutes in the bathroom. Then, when you are with them, you will be more present and focused.
• However, be willing to make some sacrifice.
• These days, family times are fewer and more far between then the good ol' days, so go into it knowing that it's just a brief part of your year, and be willing to be a little uncomfortable at times for the sake of happiness.  You might even think of it as a job, rather than relaxation time - you have to work and put effort into it, but there is a great payoff.
• Respect differences.
• Just because you're family doesn't mean that you think alike and act alike.  Also, even though you're family, it's still not your place to try to "fix" everyone, and you will only go crazy trying.  If your aunt's house has always been messy, don't expect it to suddenly be clean this time - just prepare yourself mentally for what you know is there.  Try hard to accept and even embrace differences.  You can still love each other just as much.
• Maintain a sense of humor.
• My husband and I have found that our best defense against going nuts during family time is to have a good laugh about it together privately.  Finding humor in the situation (or the people) helps you to take things in stride and not become negative.  When grandma says something ridiculous, we both just look at each other and smile, knowing that we will relive the moment later, rather than feeling frustrated.
• Talk about memories, but only the good ones.
• Family time can be stressful enough without bringing up bad memories.  One of the greatest things about your family members is that they have been there through most of the highlights of your life, so it's fun to reflect on those shared happy times, but there's really no need to bring up the bad and put a damper on the mood.
• Balance the conversations between light and fun, and heavy and serious.
• Face-to-face family time is definitely prime time for having good talks about feelings, goals, life events, etc., but too much of that will overwhelm you.  Mix in non-serious conversations to keep the time fun AND productive.  You all will be bonded closer when you experience both.

By having realistic expectations about family time, your summer will be a lot more enjoyable and a lot less stressful.  Work hard to build good memories and even though you'll be relieved when it's over, you'll still look forward to the next time instead of dreading more!

Quick Tip: Avoiding The Two Evil Twins

I have seen A LOT of different problems that humans face - and there are many different kinds - but without fail, the majority of them boil down to one or both of what I call "The Evil Twins" -
Boredom and Loneliness. 

 

People have an intrinsic need for stimulation and connection, and we just do not thrive when we are bored or lonely.  When either of these two conditions exist, the mind is left vacant and bad or weird thoughts start to creep in. 

Boredom and Loneliness seem to be epidemics in America, but I think that they are too often covered up with other names or fancier diagnoses.  Once you strip it down to basics though, almost any problem can be significantly improved by tending to these two basic needs. 
Here are some examples:

• Depression, Sadness, Hopelessness, Grief, etc. 
• These are the biggest ones.  Most people naturally isolate and become inactive when they are feeling down.  If you, instead, reach out to others, surround yourself with people, and get your mind on other, more pleasurable things, you WILL feel better.  Maybe not all the way, but at least significantly enough to function until the bad time passes.  Contrary to what a lot of us believe, sitting around ruminating on whatever has gone wrong will only make things worse.  You don't need "time" - you need to get yourself out there. 
• Anxiety 
•  Anxiousness and Nervousness are feelings based on anticipation - not the present reality.  Therefore, they are completely generated in our own mids, usually when we are not taking action.  Anxiety is a vicious cycle - people become fearful and then do nothing, causing more anxious thoughts to creep in and make them even more frozen.  The most anxious people that I have encountered are also the most bored.  If your mind is really engaged, you just don't have much time to worry. 
• Low Self-Esteem, Lack of Confidence, Body Issues
• These are also problems that happen in our minds when we are not fully stimulated by life or we are not surrounded by good support.  It's very hard to have low self-confidence if you have a lot of great friends and family and you are excited about things in your life. 
• Some body issues are real concerns, like being overweight or unhealthy, but again, this most often happens when we're not as social or active.  You are naturally more conscious of your physical state when you're around people a lot, it's easier to be healthy with support, and usually if you're not bored it means that you're up and moving in some way, rather than leading a sedentary lifestyle.  Also, eating has become a pastime in our country, so you won't do it as much if you're not looking for ways to fill your time.

Boredom and loneliness are also big factors in relationship problems:

• I have talked many times about the importance of keeping relationships fresh and active, and I think we all know well that the best way to feel connected to someone is to share activities. 
• However, your relationships will also be negatively affected if you are personally bored.  I have seen many marital problems that stem from one spouse having too much idle time on their hands and making problems bigger than they really are.  Or, you may become too emotionally needy if you are not engaged in your own individual interests.
• Likewise, relationships need other relationships to thrive, or you will be lonely within your limited connections: Don't just spend time with your kids - get involved with other kids and parents in a group or team.  Don't always just go out on dates by yourselves - do things with other couples to liven the conversation.
• Also, your closest relationships are healthiest when you also have outside individual friends.  It's very important to have "guy time" or "girl time" in addition to partner time, and you will be more present during family time when you also have mixed in friend time. 

When people are lying on their deathbed, they most often evaluate the success of their life by how much love has been in it and how much they've been able to experience.  This, to me, is the greatest evidence that boredom and loneliness are the two biggest obstacles to general life satisfaction.

So, make boredom and loneliness your enemies to stay healthy and happy.  Even when you face a problem that seems unrelated, first ask yourself honestly if you're really just bored and/or lonely, or if those things could at least be making the problem worse. 

The Key To Happiness, Part 2.

There has been a tremendous response to the previous post about accepting unhappiness in your life to find true happiness.  I'm glad that it was helpful to many of you, as I think it's a terrible shame to see people get so frustrated over a very normal life.

Actually, most people end up coming to terms with this concept - without knowing it -  in a much more painful way, commonly known as midlife crisis.

We are often able to cling onto the "Disney movie" idea of life - the "happily-ever-after" mindset that I described - that we acquire as children for quite a while into our adulthood, but inevitably, something will come along to completely destroy it.  It could be the death of someone close to us, the honeymoon phase of our marriage wearing off, having our first child and realizing that it's much harder than we thought, losing a job, getting old and/or fat, breaking up or divorcing, dealing with illness, accepting that a dream will never happen, or even just looking in the mirror one day and realizing that we've lost our mojo.
Whatever it is, for most of us who have not learned and accepted the true key to happiness - accepting unhappiness - it smashes our whole concept of how our life was "supposed" to be, and we are then forced to reconsider our whole identity.  Sadly, many people start believing that they have failed completely and fall into despair and never fully recover their joy.  Or, some even try to desperately continue to cling onto their Disney movie ideas, and as a result, live in denial instead of moving on - staying in a bad relationship, justifying being overweight and unhealthy, living off unemployment rather than getting another job because you don't want to take something "beneath you", or killing yourself to try to be the perfect parent.  Very few end up growing from the experience instead and adopting a more realistic outlook.

I had a couple in my office recently who have made tremendous progress in their marriage that they thought was over just a few months ago, but I asked them how they can now move even further and become "happy" rather than just "content".  They looked at me like I was crazy, looked confusedly at each other, and then replied, "Happy?  Is that possible?  I don't think we know anyone who's really happy!"  This grounded me.  They began listing all of their friends and family members, and the things in each of their lives that made them unhappy, and then concluded that happiness is just an unrealistic goal.

How have we come to this point as a society??  Why have we given up completely on general, lifelong happiness because bad things happen to everyone, and why have we become ok with all this despair?  Just this month, I even came across an article in a popular magazine, written by a fairly notable psychologist who proclaimed that happiness is so elusive now, that we should, instead, pursue fleeting moments of pleasure.  Very disheartening.

 
I am here to tell you that you CAN find true happiness, but it's not by believing that 'love is all you need', good luck is on it's way, or even trusting that God will make everything good.  So what do you do?  In the previous post I talked about training yourself to maintain a balance of emotions, and several people wanted more elaboration on this. 

Try this: Start with a moment of happiness, because it's much easier to be in control of your thoughts then.  The next time that you are watching your beautiful child sleep peacefully, have just gotten great news at work, are eating your favorite food, or anything else that makes you happy, catch yourself in your elation and consciously remind yourself that this won't last forever.  Take a minute to think about
the opposite condition that is sure to happen eventually - your child will be throwing a huge tantrum in the middle of a store, you will lose a big account at work, you will gain weight from your delicious feast, etc. 
Important Note - You should NOT become depressed by this.  In fact, the idea is to remind yourself that this happiness won't last forever, so you should enjoy the moment even more while it's there.

Try it a few more times, and then do the same thing during moments of sadness - when you are in the heat of an argument, keep trying to picture in your mind how great tomorrow will be once you've made up.  If you're nervous and anxious about a big presentation that you have to do, visualize how relieved you'll be in just two hours when it's over and you've done great.  Again, this isn't meant to make you feel better right away, but it will help you remember that "this too, shall pass".

As you practice these new thought patterns, be very aware of exactly how different emotions FEEL - the lightness of contentment, the gut-wrenching pain of anger and sadness, the heaviness of guilt, the high-flying feeling of elation, and the adrenaline rush of nervousness - because this will make it much easier to 1) be aware of the state you're currently in and 2) remind yourself of how the opposite way feels. 

Remember the idea of the waves rolling in and out of your life?  That's what you're forcing yourself to really become aware of.  Once you have fully accepted the concept of inevitable bad times and begin practicing this balance of emotion, you will eventually be able to actually FEEL the waves of emotion in your life, and you will never be caught off-guard.  THEN, you will know what true happiness really is.
    

The Key To Happiness. Really.

I have found the key to ultimate, lifelong happiness, and I am eager to share it. 
Of course, there are many keys to happiness and I'm sure that you have heard them all, but since it takes a lifetime to try to do all of those things well, the truth is that the real key to happiness is accepting that unhappiness is inevitable.

It sounds too simple, but for some reason most of us persistently have an all-or-nothing attitude.  We believe that success means living "happily ever after" - getting married and having blissful love for the rest of our lives, landing a great job and securing financial comfort, or having children and filling the rest of your days with joyful Kodak moments. 
Of course, logically we know that these things aren't reality, but we still seem to subconsciously hold on to these dreams and wishes in our hearts, and whenever any problem comes along we become completely crushed and fall into despair.  Then, when things eventually turn around again, we go right back to feeling like it's only uphill from there.

It's easy to see why all of these ups and downs can be disheartening to the point of general unhappiness when we always judge the overall success of our life based on whatever our present condition might happen to be. 

On the contrary, Buddhist mindfulness practices talk about viewing life as the waves of the sea - as sure as you can count on the tide rolling in, you know for sure that it will go back out again.  But, one is necessary for the other to happen. 
I love this analogy, because if we can adopt this view and come to fully accept that our whole life WILL consist of ups and downs, then we will expect and appreciate both and find true happiness in not having false standards for ourselves.  

When we are in bad times, we can take comfort in knowing that they will pass, rather than being filled with anxiety that our whole life is ruined and nothing good will ever happen to us again.  Likewise, when times are good we must always keep in mind that it won't last forever, so that we enjoy it fully while it's there and then not feel blindsided when the next challenge arises.

Think about romantic love - the most universal example:  When things are happy and blissful, you feel like your partner is perfect.  All the bad things fade into the background and you can hear angels singing as you remember all of your happiest memories.  But then, when you've had a nasty fight, suddenly the bad times seem to out number the good, you question why you ever committed to this person and you can't help but think about breaking up because you can't see any other way that this could be fixed. 
Why do we have such extreme thoughts, even though we've seen this unending relationship cycle numerous times in ourselves and others around us?  What if instead, we trained ourselves in the depth of despair to think "How is this going to be solved this time?"  rather than "Will things ever be happy again??"

Let me be clear - it sounds easier than it really is, so after reading this you're probably thinking "OK, I got that.  I should have true happiness now, right?"  It's not enough to simply have an understanding of this concept - you really have to sit with it for a while to completely incorporate it into your life.  Then, you have to learn techniques to keep yourself calm and grounded in the heat of emotion.  The trick is to never allow yourself to get TOO dragged down or TOO elated.  True happiness is maintaining a relative balance of emotions through all situations.

Think about it.  This is deep, but I promise that it will make you much more satisfied with your life and relationships.

What We Can Learn About Relationships From...Simon Cowell??

Tonight we bid farewell to Simon Cowell judging American Idol.  Since the show began, Simon has been the man that we've all loved to hate, and he will certainly be irreplacable.  As we will miss his role on this iconic show, I think it's actually a great opportunity to learn some relationship skills. 

At face value, Simon seems like the mean, unfeeling judge.  But, we can't get enough of him, and many people have said that it's because Simon always says exactly what they're thinking.  It's refreshing to hear the truth.
I think this reveals a very important problem in our society - people afraid to say how they really feel.  We are taught to lie, tiptoe around things, brush over things, or just omit our thoughts completely in order to protect other people's feelings.  Simon, on the other hand, is always very straightforward, even if it's hard to hear.  Though it seems like an act to generate entertainment value, I believe that Simon also genuinely has the intent of being 'real' with the contestants and not giving anyone false hope, so that they won't waste their time pursuing something that will never pan out.  Ultimately, this seems to be a much deeper form of caring than trying to prevent the sting of the moment.

While I certainly wouldn't recommend talking to the dear people in your life the way that Simon talks to the contestants, I do think that we should all try to be more like Simon, in the sense that we are more 'real' with those that we care about.  We need to think beyond our ingrained instinct to protect people and realize that dealing in clear, unmuddled truth is often the most helpful thing we can do.  It is possible to do what Simon does in a slightly gentler way, and I have found that people are always relieved to have straightforward facts, rather than playing the game of trying to sugar-coat things and decipher hints.

As a simple example:  I often hear frustration from men trying to find the right gift for their wives for special occasions, and then frustration right back from those women at not getting what they wanted.  However, neither one wants to talk about it, because the husband doesn't want to admit that he doesn't know what to get, and the wife doesn't want to make the husband feel bad for choosing the wrong thing.  Though at first thought it seems unromantic, if the husband could just tell the wife that he truly wants to please her but isn't good at choosing meaningful gifts, and the wife could just give him some recommendations of things that she would love, both would end up much happier.

There is also a great irony surrounding Simon's straightforward honesty - Whenever he tells the hard truth that isn't pleasant to hear, he is booed and hated.  However, when he gives well-deserved praise, it is then valued so much more than praise coming from the other judges.  The first three can say good things about a performance, but until it comes from Simon's mouth, the deal is not sealed.

Likewise, the praise that we give to those we love is much more effective when we are also honest with our criticisms.  If you are a parent and always tell your children that everything they do is wonderful and perfect, at some point they will realize that that's not true, and stop believing you.  Relationships are much more fulfilling when we can turn to them to safely get truthful feedback.  For more on this, see my recent post about being a mirror to your spouse: For All You Lovebirds Out There

Other traits that Simon has that we could all use to a lesser extent are confidence, a clear sense of his identity, and comfort with being true to himself.  Simon is all-around a one-of-a-kind character, but so is each of us, and we can never be really happy in our relationships until we know who we are and are confident enough to maintain that identity while being in relationships with other unique identities.  Simon loves wearing white T-shirts and is not afraid to do what he loves, even when others judge him for it.  We're all envious.

Simon has given us many laughs, but he has also shown us the respect that comes from daring to be different.  If you, like millions of others, have loved Simon, ask yourself how you can also be more loved.

 

Quick Tip: Unplugging

You've probably heard this a million times already, but it still seems to be a huge problem in our modern society:  A sure way to make all the relationships in your life better is to cut down your screen time. 

Between TV, movies, computers, video games, and even cell phones, we all spend an awful lot of time looking at screens each day.  While these devices certainly make our lives better in many ways, we know for sure that they do not make us more connected to others.  Why?  Because anytime that you're doing something that involves looking at a screen, you're not having quality interactions with other people.  Even if you're playing a video game with your brother, watching a movie with the kids, or relaxing on the couch after work with your spouse watching your favorite show, while you might be having fun together, you're not able to talk, look each other in the eyes, listen, or be fully present.  Plus, you're inactive, and we know from studies that sharing active experiences together is most connecting. 

Cutting down screen time is always one of the first assignments that I give to people who come to see me for counseling.  It's always a little bit hard at first, they are always very surprised to realize how much time screens have had in their life up to now, and they are always pleased with the results. 

So, this is something that you can do on your own. 

• First, simply become aware of how much screen time you have each day. 
• Write down everytime that you find yourself looking at a screen, with the exception of your work computer, and add up the number of hours per week.   
• Next, choose the areas where you can cut down your screen time.

• Some screen time is good - unwinding for a few minutes after work, watching something that all your friends will be talking about, or playing a video game at home instead of a night out to save money.  Keep the things that do promote connectedness in moderation.

• The red flag is screen time that promotes isolation or is excessive - anything more than an hour or two, watching a show that you've already seen several times or playing a game that you're not really into just to pass time, surfing the internet without a real purpose, or everyone in the house looking at different screens (dad working on the computer, mom watching TV, and son playing a video game).  Get rid of those.  

• Be smart to set yourself up for success - there's no way that I'm going to skip American Idol, so I cut back on other shows.
• Finally, find things to replace it with. 
• If you're with other people, do something that is more conducive to good conversation. In particular, remember that going to a movie is the worst kind of date, even though it's the easiest. Whether you're trying to get to know someone or trying to keep romance in your marriage, going to a movie and not talking will accomplish nothing. At least go to dinner beforehand, where you can have some good talking time.
• If it's time when you're alone, do something that's more productive and will make you feel good about yourself - exercise, clean out that drawer that you've been neglecting for months, or read a good book.

Sometimes, we use screen time to hide from issues that we don't want to confront with people in our lives.  If you recognize that this is true for you, then your first challenge is to face that fear and get those things taken care of. 

I know 100% that once you reduce your screen time and replace it with other activities, your personal life and your relationships will be much richer, and you will certainly be much happier!

Using and Abusing

Sadly, there has been a very common theme among the clients that I've been seeing lately:
Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are always a big issue, but my colleagues and I have all noticed a huge increase in addiction problems lately.  Most likely, this is due to the recession and the many stressors that have come along with it.  During the great depression, the United States saw a sharp rise in alcoholism, and many studies since have shown a direct relationship between financial hardship and addiction problems.  In addition, when people are short on cash, they're less likely to get the treatment help that they need. 

Sadly though, drugs and alcohol quickly cause relationships to crumble, only adding to your already long list of problems.  I don't think I need to go into detail about how addictions hurt relationships, but I will answer some other common questions:

How do I know if I have a problem?
Do you drink or use drugs more than 2 days a week?
Do you become high or drunk (unable to drive safely) more than once a week?
Do you think about drugs or alcohol first whenever you have stress, anger or sadness?
Have others around you mentioned your drug or alcohol use?

If you said yes to ANY of these, then your use is a problem.  Don't wait until you're blacking out, getting DUIs, or getting divorced to admit that it's too much.  
The appeal of drugs and alcohol lies in their power to make us forget our worries, not feel for a little while, and even be a different person.  However, when you use them regularly, the people in your life - including you - soon don't even know who the real you is, because they only know the person altered by substances.  Also, relationships exist to give us someone to turn to during tough times, but if you primarily turn to drugs and alcohol for help, then you are betraying your human relationships for your relationships with substances.

What do I do if I'm in a relationship with someone who has a problem?
First, decide if you're in or if you're out.  You either need to do whatever you can to help the person, or get yourself out of it completely, at least until they make serious progress.  Most people try to sit on the fence - waiting to see if the person will do something on their own - but this is not good for you or them.  They need to know how really serious this issue is to you.  

The next step depends on whether or not the person is aware and accepting of their problem. 
If they are, start by offering them compassion and support.  This might be hard if they have already done damage, but is necessary to move them towards change.  Then, gently suggest ways that they might seek help - therapy, rehab, AA, lifestyle changes - and offer to help them through the process.  Many people who have been hurt by an addict feel that he should do this on his own to prove that he wants to change, but I honestly believe that it's impossible to do completely by yourself - every addict needs some help, so don't be afraid to step in, as long as you're actually helping and not just enabling them. 

If the person is in denial, they need to realize that they have a problem in any other way besides you telling them or threatening them.  These things never work.  Instead, be creative.  Talk about becoming healthier in general and focus on other changes like diet and exercise, which may shine light on the addiction also.  Or, go to therapy for another problem, like making your relationship better, and the issue will likely come up there. 

If the person is very resistant, don't endanger yourself by persistently talking about it.  You can get back-up, like the interventions that you see on TV, or you may have to simply tell them that you will have to cut-off your relationship until they can get help.  You cannot allow your life to be ruined by their problem, even though it is heartbreaking to watch.

 

If I have a problem, what can I do besides AA?
This is actually the most common question that I get.  AA, NA and other 12-step programs have great success statistics, and they tend to be the first option that we think of to help with addictions.  But, some people just don't feel comfortable in these groups.  There are alternatives, but I want to emphasize the two most important things offered by 12-step programs, which you should find a way to incorporate in your program, regardless of what it is:

• Support
• 12-step groups provide a large support network, as well as individual sponsors.  It is crucial to have people to lean on who understand what you're going through, but also, you need to have someone to answer to - someone who knows what you're up to all the time.  Most importantly, people who use drugs and/or alcohol usually have friends who do also, and an important part of sobriety is getting new friends who support your sober lifestyle.
• Replacement
• Addictions need healthy replacements.  It's foolish to think that you're going to remove your addiction - which has been serving some purpose in your life - and not replace it with anything, at least temporarily.  AA provides something consistent in your life, so if you're not going to do it, find something else - church, a club, a hobby - anything that's healthy that you can turn to instead.

Even if you don't want to participate in a 12-step group, you must have some kind of structured plan.  Everyone who has ever told me that they're just going to quit now because they've finally hit rock bottom, has failed.

So what can be done at home to help beat addiction?
There are literally hundreds of things, and you should try as many as possible.  The idea is to fill up your life with other, healthy, activities, and keep your mind constantly on sobriety, so no matter how silly or out of the norm for you they seem, if you're really committed to change - try it.  What doesn't work is sitting on the couch and watching TV for hours.  Here are a few ideas:

• Journal
• Take walks
• Foster healthy friendships
• Play with your kids
• Make a collage of your life goals
• Exercise
• Learn a new hobby or pick an old one back up
• Read
• Write apology letters to people who you've hurt
• Do service
• Do art
• Take baths
• Play with your pets
• Go on dates with your spouse
• Do this workbook:

Anything that makes you feel good or helps you deal with stress, anger and sadness is going to be helpful.  Of course, nothing on this list has as powerful of an immediate effect as drugs or alcohol, but you will feel much better the next day.  It's important to constantly remind yourself of the big picture.

When drugs or alcohol are involved in a relationship, it's hard to fix any other problems until that one is addressed.  Addiction is, by far, the most damaging problem to have, and the hardest one to fix.  The greatest thing you can do for all the relationships in your life is to prevent it, or deal with it as early as possible.