This One's For the Girls

Ladies, today I'm going to reveal to you two very important secrets about men that will help you get what you want from them.  Really.

Secret #1: Men's Thoughts and Behaviors are Controlled Primarily by Their Egos.

They probably don't want to admit this, but men are ruled by their egos, which are truly very fragile.

Men don't "do" emotions very well like women do, so their deep feelings like hurt and grief come out instead as anger, cockiness, being controlling, and a range of abnormal behaviors that we usually label as "midlife crisis."  Psychologists call these things ego defense mechanisms because that's exactly the purpose they serve - protecting his ego.  If a man, instead, broke down crying when he felt hurt and wrote poems to express the pain, in his mind his ego would be dead in a minute.  So, men do more "manly" things instead to deal with painful emotions, and our job is to look beyond the surface and try to figure out what's really going on.

The sidenote to this secret is that men's egos are hurt or helped most by the important women in their lives.
So, if you learn to handle this fragile gem properly, then you will be in a position of great power.

Bottom Line: If you "stroke" a man's ego by appreciating him, pointing out the things that are good about him or that he does well, noticing ways that he's better than other men, etc, he is not only going to love you and give you what you want, but he is going to feel safe with you and is going to be much more likely to be vulnerable and talk about his true underlying emotions, which are otherwise kept under lock and key.  Conversely, if you continually damage a man's ego by criticizing him and pointing out everything he needs to change, he will be like a threatened animal and lash out at you, put up a wall between you, or simply go somewhere else where he can get the ego stroking that he needs.

Secret #2: Men Want You To be Happy!

If you fully understand the first secret, you can understand how your happiness, (the important woman in his life,) is a big factor in the strength of his ego.  In his primeval, manly brain, he naturally feels responsible for protecting his woman and meeting her needs.  If he is successful at this task, he feels good about himself - If not, he feels a blow to his ego.  The way he gauges his success or failure, is by your level of happiness.

We all know that men are problem-solvers, meaning that when there is a problem, even if it's emotional, they want to figure out what they can do about it.  This tends to be frustrating for women who just want someone to commiserate with, but again, the ego is the secret.  When something goes wrong, men immediately, instinctually feel like they could have been doing something better, and therefore, feel their ego threatened.  If they can then be the hero by solving the problem, that saves their ego. 

So, amazingly enough, one of mens' deepest desires is to have happy women.
They work hard at it because it boosts their egos.  The problem, though, is that many women take advantage of this trait and get the reverse effect - think Kate of Jon and Kate Plus 8.  She was an all too public example of a trap that many women fall into of never being satisfied.  No matter what Jon did for her or how good their life was, there was ALWAYS something that she was upset or nagging about, and we rarely ever heard her thanking or praising him.  In more common terms, this is called being a bitch.  As outsiders observing all this, we didn't feel surprised when he left and immediately had another woman in his life.  This is because men's egos will drive them to a certain extent to keep trying to make the woman happy, but at some point when they feel they are just failing, their ego is then threatened and they have to protect it.

Bottom Line: If you make an effort to find things to be happy about in your life, especially things related to your man, and regularly show or express your happiness, your guy will feel good about himself and do even more to try to make you happy.  If you are constantly telling and showing him how much better things could be, he will feel bad about himself and give up.  

Now, some women are saying that it's not our responsibility to make men feel good about themselves and they should just learn on their own to express emotions better if they really care. I understand this initial reaction because these behaviors are the exact opposite of what we as women do, but you've got to understand that this is just another part of the biological, hard-wired differences between male and female brains, and you would then be saying that men should be women.  You might also think that men need to work harder to understand women, which just isn't fair if we don't work just as hard to understand them. 
So, be smart! - Accept the facts as they are, and make them work in your favor!

Saying "I Love You"

Today I saw a woman and her teenage son.  The son expressed that he didn't feel like his mother loved him or gave him as much support as her other children.  Her response was, "but I make sure to say 'I Love You' everytime we talk on the phone before we hang up!"

How often do we find ourselves in a situation like this - where we feel like we are making a big effort to express love, but the other person still feels unloved?

This is a very common phenomenon, yet the reason why it happens is complex and unknown by most people.

The first part of the answer lies in a concept developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages.  Dr. Chapman's theory is that there are 5 different primary ways to express love, and while we appreciate parts of all of them, we usually have one or two "Love Languages" that resonate with us stronger than the others.  The 5 Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Everyone has a different preferred Love Language based on biological factors, (especially just being male or female,) how they were raised, and other experiences in their life.  Being able to identify the Love Languages of important people in your life will be very helpful in getting through to them. 
To learn more about this and even take a test to find your love language, I highly recommend that you visit Dr. Chapman's website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com

The second part of the solution is best explained by an analogy that I once heard from Dr. Phil:
Expressing love to someone is like doing business with a person from a foreign country.  If you are American and they are Japanese, you value Dollars and they value Yen.  You can give them many, many dollars, but to them it is worthless unless you exchange the money first for Yen.  Likewise, if they are trying to give you Yen, you don't want it and can't appreciate the value unless it's changed to dollars. 

I often have couples in my office where one person feels unloved and the other one says "I just don't understand it because I do things for her all the time!"  This is the foreign currency exchange situation - Your love won't be felt if you're trying to express it by doing what's valuable to you.  You have to recognize what's valued by the other person (their Love Language) and translate your love over.

Once you understand these concepts, not only can you express your love in other people's languages so they'll truly feel it, but you can also be more aware when someone is trying unsuccessfully to show you love.  Don't be afraid to say, "I see that you're buying me lots of gifts and I appreciate the love that shows, but it would really mean a lot more to me if you would just give me your full attention when I need to talk to you."

As it turned out, the mother and son that I saw today had a moment of clarity when the mother said that she felt she was showing love by always being sure to say it on the phone.  After a little more discussion, we realized that Words of Affirmation is her preferred Love Language, but his is Quality Time.  He didn't feel loved because his mother rarely went to his games or spent time with him one-on-one.  Now, she is going to try to do a lot more of that, and I'm sure that her love for her son, which has always been there, is going to shine through to him.

Quick Tip: Building Connectedness

People often come to therapy when they have lost the "connected" feeling that they once had to someone in their life, and are trying to get it back.  This is a common problem, because individuals change and grow throughout the life of relationships, and this can cause people to feel like they have lost whatever bonded them initially.

Connectedness is a shared feeling of excitement, safety, security, or just love between people.  It is whatever makes you feel that you're "on the same page" with someone, and that that person understands you, accepts you, and enjoys being around you.  It is also what allows vulnerability and emotion to come through.  
   
Often, people who come to see me with this issue have tried to rebuild the connection through talking about it in deep conversations or trying to do what they used to do, with no success.  These things don't work because connectedness is actually built and maintained through continual action and continual change - allowing the relationship to grow around the people in it and stay fresh.

To actively work towards maintaining connectedness in your relationships, try some of these tips:

• Pursue new hobbies or interests together
• Reevaluate short- and long-term goals and figure out how you can help each other with them
• Have regular date nights with your spouse or one-on-one activities and outings with your kids, friends, siblings, etc.
• Foster mutual friendships and cut back friendships that may have become toxic or less stimulating
• Do work together - household chores, volunteer work, or even profitable endeavors 
• Take a trip
• Exercise together
• Save money together for a financial goal 
• Attend a church or group together 
• Support each other's individual pursuits by helping in other areas to free up time

It shouldn't be surprising when you find yourself feeling distant from someone if your only interactions are TV watching, and talking about work or school.  Good feelings towards each other come when your interactions with that person are associated with happiness, excitement, activity, productiveness, moving forward and generally enhancing your quality of life. 

No matter how great your memories of the past are, they will not keep your relationships alive.  Keep working to breathe new life into your relationships and you're guaranteed to feel that deep level connectedness that you desire.
 

The Right Way To Get What You Want - Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Now that you can identify the unhealthy aggressive and passive-aggressive ways of reacting to problems in your relationships, what should you do instead?

Think of the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears - One porridge was too hot, one was too cold, and one was just right.  This is the key to confronting someone with a problem or need.  If aggressiveness is too hot and passive-aggressiveness is too cold, you want to fall right in the middle: Being direct, but also gentle and loving.

For example:

If your partner did something that upset you, but doesn't realize it:
-The passive-aggressive response (too cold) would be to just walk around moping, trying to get attention, until you finally say, "Well I'm glad nothing's bothering you today!"
-The aggressive response (too hot) would be to scream "You are such an asshole!  I should have divorced you long ago!" and then slam the door.
-The healthy response (just right!) is to say, "I don't think you realize how much that bothers me, but we really need to talk about it so it doesn't happen again."   

If your friend has flaked out on you for the last time:
- The passive-aggressive response (too cold) would be to smile and say "Don't worry a bit - I understand!" and then avoid her phone calls for a month while you tell everyone how awful she is behind her back.
- The aggressive response (too hot) would be to slam the phone down and then write her a fiery email telling her what a horrible person she is and that if you ever see her again it's going to be ugly.
-The healthy response (just right!) would be to let her know in the moment how disappointed you are, but then later tell her that you don't want to lose your friendship, so you'd like to figure out a way that you can rely on her more.

Get it? 
At this point, my clients always say to me, "That's easy for you to say, but I don't talk that way!"
Of course!  These are examples in an ideal world.  I understand that you're not going to suddenly start talking like the Dalai Lama, but the idea is to monitor your reaction before it comes out.  You can tell if what you're going to do or say is too hot or too cold, and then you can try to level it out a bit.  Reacting even a little better or a little differently will make a big difference!

Remember, the main reason people react aggressively or passive-aggressively is because they're scared that the other person won't respond if the situation isn't dramatic.  But, like goldilocks, you will quickly find that when the porridge is too hot or too cold it gets left on the table, but when it's just right, it gets gobbled up!

 

Just Plain Aggressiveness - Jerry Springer Style

I got a tremendous response to the last post about passive-aggressiveness, because so many people could relate to that behavior at times in their own relationships! 

This time, I want to address passive-aggressive's counterpart, an equally damaging and unhealthy way to get what you want:

Just plain aggressiveness, or as I call it, Jerry Springer mode.

Although less frequent than passive-aggressiveness, every day in my therapy practice I watch nice, classy, professional people (very different from the guests on the show!) enter Jerry Springer mode when they are communicating (or fighting) with their spouse.  Jerry Springer mode is characterized by the following behaviors:

• 
  
  Taking a defensive stance
  
• 
  
  Hands on hips or waving about in a threatening manner
  
• 
  
  Neck jutting back and forth as you speak
  
• 
  
  Raising your eyebrows at the other person a lot
  
• 
  
  Taking on a confrontational tone of voice 
  

Things that get said in Jerry Springer mode:

• 
  
  "Well you can't say anything to me because you did _____"
  
• 
  
  "I am so done with you!"
  
• 
  
  "I can't believe that you're still too dumb to understand after I've told you so many times!"
  
• 
  
  "Are you seriously saying that to me?"
  
• 
  
  "You better not do that again or that will be the end!"
  
• 
  
  "I don't care if you want to cheat on me because I will just cheat on you."
  

And the list goes on and on...

Jerry Springer mode usually involves a lot of profanity and name calling, and sometimes goes as far as breaking things or making physical threats.

I point out to people when they have entered Jerry Springer mode, and they are always very surprised to be compared to that level.  Of course, hardly anyone in their own homes would be as extreme as the people on the show, and your relationship problems probably don't involve transvestite midgets or suspected inbreeding, but still, how do people allow themselves to interact in such a clearly unproductive way?

The answer is the same as why people resort to passive-aggressiveness: They just don't know any better way to express their needs or get what they want, or are afraid to try.  Both aggressiveness and passive-aggressiveness result from a fear that the other person doesn't care about what you want.  Ironically though, either trying to bully someone or acting like a victim only makes them care even less.

Now that you're aware of it, if you find yourself doing anything that could possibly be on the Jerry Springer Show, remind yourself how much you don't want to be like those people and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

Passive-Aggressiveness - The Ugly Beast of Relationships

Being passive-aggressive is something we ALL do at times in our relationships to try to get what we want, but it is the very worst way to interact.  Besides the immense damage it does to relationships, it's very hard to realize that we're being passive-aggressive and change our behavior, which is why I call it the Ugly Beast.

So what is passive-aggressiveness?

Basically, it's when we try to indirectly express a need or want, criticize someone, or get attention.  It's an attempt to control the relationship by acting like a victim to avoid responsibility.  It usually happens when we are afraid to talk about something directly, or we have the false belief that our loved ones should know what we need without our asking for it.

Some Examples of Passive-Aggressive Statements:

• Being a Martyr:  "Go ahead and have fun.  I'll just stay here and clean the house."
• "So I guess it doesn't matter what I think."
• Being Sarcastic:  "Gee, thanks for caring so much."
• Projecting Untrue Assumptions:  "Obviously you don't care about this relationship."
• Fishing for Attention:  "What's Wrong?"  "Nothing.  Just forget it."

Some Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

• The Silent Treatment
• Walking around muttering things under your breath, or showing that you're upset in some other way without directly saying it.
• Rolling your eyes when the person talks or making other dramatized facial expressions.
• Purposely doing things that you know make the other person mad, but acting like you're being normal.

As you read these, I'm sure you can relate to having said or done some of them, but I'm also sure you can relate to having been on the receiving end, so you know how much people hate passive-aggressiveness.  It is immature, hateful, and counter-productive behavior.

When we act passive-aggressive, we're disfunctionally trying to elicit a response of pity, but actually, it annoys and angers people to the point that the initial problem will be compounded and you will become even more hurt.  When someone upsets you, if you choose to respond to it in a passive-aggressive manner, then in my opinion, you have become an equal perpetrator and no longer have a right to expect penitence from the other person.

Generally, we learn passive-aggressive behavior from our parents, and sometimes, it's the only way someone knows how to deal with problems, which is why they keep doing it, even when it doesn't work. 

The first step to breaking this cycle is to simply learn to recognize passive-aggressiveness, and especially, when you're doing it.  This is hard, but the second step of learning a better way to communicate your feelings and needs is even harder.  Hopefully, some of the tips in this blog can help you, but face-to-face counseling is even more effective.  It is always much scarier to confront someone directly, but if you can learn how to do it in a gentle way, you will be so much happier with the results!

New Year's Relationship Resolution: Do Something Different!

Happy New Year!

As we think about changes for the coming year, I'd like to give you a simple idea for improving your relationships:
Figure out a pattern that you've been stuck in that hasn't been getting you the results you want, and then try doing something different. 

Every relationship has room to be a little better - whether it's already great and could just use some more effective communication skills, or if it's falling apart and needs to be rescued.  However, change doesn't happen unless we DO SOMETHING, and the quickest way to make change happen is to start trying different things.  
Some of the things you try won't work, but that's ok, because then you are closer to finding what does work.  Don't be afraid to fail, because you're already failing at whatever it is that's not happening right.  You've just got to get some movement going or you will remain stuck in the same pattern that hasn't been successful and will continue to not be successful.

Some examples:

If your standard reaction to your partner doing something you don't like is to sulk and give the silent treatment while waiting for them to take notice and ask what's wrong, but then you never feel like the issue gets resolved, try doing the opposite and initiating a conversation:  "I've got an issue that I need to discuss with you.  Please sit down here with me for a few minutes."

If you find yourself always giving your time and energy and not receiving much in return, try saying "no" a few times.

If you always find yourself nagging people to get them to do what you want, try instead to take the time to explain how doing it could benefit them: "If you could help me with the household chores a little bit more, then I will have more time to do fun things with you."

If your partner has a hobby or interest that you don't care about and your standard reaction when they talk about it is to roll your eyes and make snide comments, try instead to be interested and supportive.

The possibilities are endless, and even small pattern changes can make a big difference:

If you usually communicate primarily by text or email, try utilizing phone or face-to-face contact more often.

If you always eat dinner in front of the TV, try turning it off a few nights a week and sitting around the table.

If you find that you often do most of the talking, try asking more questions and then sitting back to listen to the answers.

Basically, this is what I do in therapy - Help people discover unhealthy or disfunctional relationship patterns and then change them.  It is much easier to do with an outsider's perspective, but you can also train yourself to do it on your own.

The first step is to recognize what's not working.  This is hard, because you've probably been doing it for so long that you don't even notice it, and it's not a natural thing to critique yourself.  Try to observe when others around you seem irritated, listen to their complaints about you, and figure out things in relationships that you are trying hard to get but still are not.  These are going to be your best clues about where to start.

Then how do you know what to try?  Anything different!  The more out-of-the-box you can think, the better. 
A very important note: You must realize that people around you will be surprised and a bit uncomfortable when you start trying different things, because they have also become used to your patterns.  Expect this reaction and expect that it might take a few times before they respond.  However, if something new still isn't working after a few good efforts, give it up and try something else.
In serious cases when relationships are really going badly, I recommend that you tell the other person outright that you are going to be trying some different things.

Rocking the boat in relationships can be scary, but it is the only way to get change.  This year, take control of your own happiness by being the one brave enough to say "This isn't working!" and then try different things.

In addition, I strongly encourage you to also continually work on the three most popular New Year's resolutions of physical fitness, money management, and time management, as these are vital components to your relationship success.  In fact, they are the areas that couples fight about most!

Wishing you an even happier and more successful 2010!