The Right Way To Get What You Want - Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Now that you can identify the unhealthy aggressive and passive-aggressive ways of reacting to problems in your relationships, what should you do instead?

Think of the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears - One porridge was too hot, one was too cold, and one was just right.  This is the key to confronting someone with a problem or need.  If aggressiveness is too hot and passive-aggressiveness is too cold, you want to fall right in the middle: Being direct, but also gentle and loving.

For example:

If your partner did something that upset you, but doesn't realize it:
-The passive-aggressive response (too cold) would be to just walk around moping, trying to get attention, until you finally say, "Well I'm glad nothing's bothering you today!"
-The aggressive response (too hot) would be to scream "You are such an asshole!  I should have divorced you long ago!" and then slam the door.
-The healthy response (just right!) is to say, "I don't think you realize how much that bothers me, but we really need to talk about it so it doesn't happen again."   

If your friend has flaked out on you for the last time:
- The passive-aggressive response (too cold) would be to smile and say "Don't worry a bit - I understand!" and then avoid her phone calls for a month while you tell everyone how awful she is behind her back.
- The aggressive response (too hot) would be to slam the phone down and then write her a fiery email telling her what a horrible person she is and that if you ever see her again it's going to be ugly.
-The healthy response (just right!) would be to let her know in the moment how disappointed you are, but then later tell her that you don't want to lose your friendship, so you'd like to figure out a way that you can rely on her more.

Get it? 
At this point, my clients always say to me, "That's easy for you to say, but I don't talk that way!"
Of course!  These are examples in an ideal world.  I understand that you're not going to suddenly start talking like the Dalai Lama, but the idea is to monitor your reaction before it comes out.  You can tell if what you're going to do or say is too hot or too cold, and then you can try to level it out a bit.  Reacting even a little better or a little differently will make a big difference!

Remember, the main reason people react aggressively or passive-aggressively is because they're scared that the other person won't respond if the situation isn't dramatic.  But, like goldilocks, you will quickly find that when the porridge is too hot or too cold it gets left on the table, but when it's just right, it gets gobbled up!