I got a tremendous response to the last post about passive-aggressiveness, because so many people could relate to that behavior at times in their own relationships!
This time, I want to address passive-aggressive's counterpart, an equally damaging and unhealthy way to get what you want:
Just plain aggressiveness, or as I call it, Jerry Springer mode.
Although less frequent than passive-aggressiveness, every day in my therapy practice I watch nice, classy, professional people (very different from the guests on the show!) enter Jerry Springer mode when they are communicating (or fighting) with their spouse. Jerry Springer mode is characterized by the following behaviors:
Taking a defensive stance
Hands on hips or waving about in a threatening manner
Neck jutting back and forth as you speak
Raising your eyebrows at the other person a lot
Taking on a confrontational tone of voice
Things that get said in Jerry Springer mode:
"Well you can't say anything to me because you did _____"
"I am so done with you!"
"I can't believe that you're still too dumb to understand after I've told you so many times!"
"Are you seriously saying that to me?"
"You better not do that again or that will be the end!"
"I don't care if you want to cheat on me because I will just cheat on you."
And the list goes on and on...
Jerry Springer mode usually involves a lot of profanity and name calling, and sometimes goes as far as breaking things or making physical threats.
I point out to people when they have entered Jerry Springer mode, and they are always very surprised to be compared to that level. Of course, hardly anyone in their own homes would be as extreme as the people on the show, and your relationship problems probably don't involve transvestite midgets or suspected inbreeding, but still, how do people allow themselves to interact in such a clearly unproductive way?
The answer is the same as why people resort to passive-aggressiveness: They just don't know any better way to express their needs or get what they want, or are afraid to try. Both aggressiveness and passive-aggressiveness result from a fear that the other person doesn't care about what you want. Ironically though, either trying to bully someone or acting like a victim only makes them care even less.
Now that you're aware of it, if you find yourself doing anything that could possibly be on the Jerry Springer Show, remind yourself how much you don't want to be like those people and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
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