Quick Tip: Building Connectedness

People often come to therapy when they have lost the "connected" feeling that they once had to someone in their life, and are trying to get it back.  This is a common problem, because individuals change and grow throughout the life of relationships, and this can cause people to feel like they have lost whatever bonded them initially.

Connectedness is a shared feeling of excitement, safety, security, or just love between people.  It is whatever makes you feel that you're "on the same page" with someone, and that that person understands you, accepts you, and enjoys being around you.  It is also what allows vulnerability and emotion to come through.  
   
Often, people who come to see me with this issue have tried to rebuild the connection through talking about it in deep conversations or trying to do what they used to do, with no success.  These things don't work because connectedness is actually built and maintained through continual action and continual change - allowing the relationship to grow around the people in it and stay fresh.

To actively work towards maintaining connectedness in your relationships, try some of these tips:

• Pursue new hobbies or interests together
• Reevaluate short- and long-term goals and figure out how you can help each other with them
• Have regular date nights with your spouse or one-on-one activities and outings with your kids, friends, siblings, etc.
• Foster mutual friendships and cut back friendships that may have become toxic or less stimulating
• Do work together - household chores, volunteer work, or even profitable endeavors 
• Take a trip
• Exercise together
• Save money together for a financial goal 
• Attend a church or group together 
• Support each other's individual pursuits by helping in other areas to free up time

It shouldn't be surprising when you find yourself feeling distant from someone if your only interactions are TV watching, and talking about work or school.  Good feelings towards each other come when your interactions with that person are associated with happiness, excitement, activity, productiveness, moving forward and generally enhancing your quality of life. 

No matter how great your memories of the past are, they will not keep your relationships alive.  Keep working to breathe new life into your relationships and you're guaranteed to feel that deep level connectedness that you desire.