Saying "I Love You"

Today I saw a woman and her teenage son.  The son expressed that he didn't feel like his mother loved him or gave him as much support as her other children.  Her response was, "but I make sure to say 'I Love You' everytime we talk on the phone before we hang up!"

How often do we find ourselves in a situation like this - where we feel like we are making a big effort to express love, but the other person still feels unloved?

This is a very common phenomenon, yet the reason why it happens is complex and unknown by most people.

The first part of the answer lies in a concept developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages.  Dr. Chapman's theory is that there are 5 different primary ways to express love, and while we appreciate parts of all of them, we usually have one or two "Love Languages" that resonate with us stronger than the others.  The 5 Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Everyone has a different preferred Love Language based on biological factors, (especially just being male or female,) how they were raised, and other experiences in their life.  Being able to identify the Love Languages of important people in your life will be very helpful in getting through to them. 
To learn more about this and even take a test to find your love language, I highly recommend that you visit Dr. Chapman's website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com

The second part of the solution is best explained by an analogy that I once heard from Dr. Phil:
Expressing love to someone is like doing business with a person from a foreign country.  If you are American and they are Japanese, you value Dollars and they value Yen.  You can give them many, many dollars, but to them it is worthless unless you exchange the money first for Yen.  Likewise, if they are trying to give you Yen, you don't want it and can't appreciate the value unless it's changed to dollars. 

I often have couples in my office where one person feels unloved and the other one says "I just don't understand it because I do things for her all the time!"  This is the foreign currency exchange situation - Your love won't be felt if you're trying to express it by doing what's valuable to you.  You have to recognize what's valued by the other person (their Love Language) and translate your love over.

Once you understand these concepts, not only can you express your love in other people's languages so they'll truly feel it, but you can also be more aware when someone is trying unsuccessfully to show you love.  Don't be afraid to say, "I see that you're buying me lots of gifts and I appreciate the love that shows, but it would really mean a lot more to me if you would just give me your full attention when I need to talk to you."

As it turned out, the mother and son that I saw today had a moment of clarity when the mother said that she felt she was showing love by always being sure to say it on the phone.  After a little more discussion, we realized that Words of Affirmation is her preferred Love Language, but his is Quality Time.  He didn't feel loved because his mother rarely went to his games or spent time with him one-on-one.  Now, she is going to try to do a lot more of that, and I'm sure that her love for her son, which has always been there, is going to shine through to him.