Passive-Aggressiveness - The Ugly Beast of Relationships

Being passive-aggressive is something we ALL do at times in our relationships to try to get what we want, but it is the very worst way to interact.  Besides the immense damage it does to relationships, it's very hard to realize that we're being passive-aggressive and change our behavior, which is why I call it the Ugly Beast.

So what is passive-aggressiveness?

Basically, it's when we try to indirectly express a need or want, criticize someone, or get attention.  It's an attempt to control the relationship by acting like a victim to avoid responsibility.  It usually happens when we are afraid to talk about something directly, or we have the false belief that our loved ones should know what we need without our asking for it.

Some Examples of Passive-Aggressive Statements:

• Being a Martyr:  "Go ahead and have fun.  I'll just stay here and clean the house."
• "So I guess it doesn't matter what I think."
• Being Sarcastic:  "Gee, thanks for caring so much."
• Projecting Untrue Assumptions:  "Obviously you don't care about this relationship."
• Fishing for Attention:  "What's Wrong?"  "Nothing.  Just forget it."

Some Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

• The Silent Treatment
• Walking around muttering things under your breath, or showing that you're upset in some other way without directly saying it.
• Rolling your eyes when the person talks or making other dramatized facial expressions.
• Purposely doing things that you know make the other person mad, but acting like you're being normal.

As you read these, I'm sure you can relate to having said or done some of them, but I'm also sure you can relate to having been on the receiving end, so you know how much people hate passive-aggressiveness.  It is immature, hateful, and counter-productive behavior.

When we act passive-aggressive, we're disfunctionally trying to elicit a response of pity, but actually, it annoys and angers people to the point that the initial problem will be compounded and you will become even more hurt.  When someone upsets you, if you choose to respond to it in a passive-aggressive manner, then in my opinion, you have become an equal perpetrator and no longer have a right to expect penitence from the other person.

Generally, we learn passive-aggressive behavior from our parents, and sometimes, it's the only way someone knows how to deal with problems, which is why they keep doing it, even when it doesn't work. 

The first step to breaking this cycle is to simply learn to recognize passive-aggressiveness, and especially, when you're doing it.  This is hard, but the second step of learning a better way to communicate your feelings and needs is even harder.  Hopefully, some of the tips in this blog can help you, but face-to-face counseling is even more effective.  It is always much scarier to confront someone directly, but if you can learn how to do it in a gentle way, you will be so much happier with the results!