Blowing The Whistle On Bad Advice

There are a few quips of relationship advice that we've been hearing for YEARS, but they make me cringe because they are so wrong. I am here to set the record straight on these three oft spoken, but toxic pieces of advice:

1. "Never Go To Bed Angry"

Though it sounds so sweet, this is probably the worst marriage advice ever given. The truth is, usually a good night’s sleep alone can solve a lot of problems, or at least make them seem not so bad.

For good reason – people are tired, problems have arisen during the day - a lot of fights between couples happen at night. There is a fear that if they don’t get resolved before going to sleep, the issues will be completely forgotten about in the morning. However, when you decide to try to fight it out, in addition to losing sleep, things start snowballing and it always becomes an even bigger mess that still doesn’t find a resolution. You know what I’m talking about – this has happened at least once to EVERY married person.

The funny thing is, when our kids get crabby and emotional, we can usually identify that most of the problem is just being tired. But, even though the same thing is true for us adults, we can never seem to realize that in the moment when we’re tired and grumpy. Also, problems can never be resolved well when you’re trying to do it quickly to get to sleep, so even if you make-up enough to go to sleep peacefully, you probably won't feel "done" with the issue.

When nighttime fights happen, the best thing to do is just go to sleep. Sleep in separate rooms if you have to, watch TV or read to settle your mind down, or do whatever it takes to get some rest, and then reconsider things in the morning. To prevent your issue from being forgotten about, say “I’m tired and upset right now, but I want to talk about this in the morning.” Or, if you are so upset that you can’t say anything in the moment, then make sure that the next day, rather than walking around making your unhappiness unknown through the silent treatment, you bring the issue back up in a more constructive way.

2. "Always Chase A Criticism With A Compliment", or
    "Sandwich Criticisms In Compliments"

When we have to say something bad to someone, most of us go into the conversation thinking that we will soften the blow by saying something nice along with it. However, we have all been on the receiving end of one of these “You are a good person, BUT…” conversations, and from that perspective we know that the token compliment doesn’t help one bit. Why? Because when someone is criticizing you, your ego defenses go up and you either don’t believe the compliment part or you can see that the person is making a strained effort to make you feel good.

Instead, Precede A Criticism With Compassion.

Compassion is what people really want when hearing bad news – not compliments – because compassion is believable and genuine. Also, it makes them feel like you don’t think badly of them because their shortcomings are, in some way, understandable. When you show some compassion or understanding of the person’s struggle, then those ego defenses go down and people will be more receptive to your criticisms, in addition to not feeling so hurt. Which one of these would you rather hear?:

“You’ve been working hard and I appreciate your effort, but you’re still making mistakes that we need to address. You’re a fast learner though, so it shouldn't continue to be a problem.”

Or

“It's always frustrating for everyone to learn a new job! We all remember how we struggled when we first started here, no matter how hard we tried, and we don’t expect you to know everything right off the bat. So let me help you through this by going over these mistakes.”

3. "Choose To Be Right, Or Be Married"
This one has some truth to it – you do need to choose your battles to have a successful relationship. However, most people don’t realize that two people can both be right without fighting about it. It’s a fallacy to believe that people need to agree on things to be compatible. Rather than either trying to win others over to our way of thinking or hiding our true feelings, we need to learn to just respect differences as nothing more than that – different, but both right.

For example, if you think that extra money should be spent on nice dinners out, but your spouse likes to spend the extra money on clothes, that’s ok! Those are just different priorities stemming from different personalities and different histories, but neither one is necessarily better or worse than the other. Rather than fighting about who’s going to get their preferences met, respect each other and take turns – one month you can eat out and the next month you can go shopping.

Remember what your mom said: Just because something is popular doesn’t make it right!
Even though a lot of people might say something that sounds nice, it’s important to question romantic notions and think about what actually works.

Trust Me...

Now I’m going to tackle the golden egg of relationship issues – Trust.

What I’m going to say here is controversial – I know that – but as with everything that I write, you do not have to agree with me, but at least open your mind and use my thoughts as a tool to gain a new perspective on your own. And please, leave your own feedback so that others can benefit from that also.

We all know that ANY relationship – spouse, children and parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, even extended family members – cannot exist without some degree of trust. I spend hours and hours talking about trust in my office, because broken trust is one of the biggest problems that brings people to therapy. It’s a big deal - just as important as communication. When someone says “You’ve broken my trust in you,” you KNOW things are serious. However, there is a second side to trust that is almost never talked about.

When we hear the word ‘trust’ we automatically think of honesty, because being trustworthy means being honest and forthcoming, even when you’ve done something that the other person isn’t going to be too happy about. It also means acting as we know that our spouse, parent, friend, boss, etc. would want us to act, even when they aren’t around to know.

In essence, when someone says “I trust you,” it means “I trust you to do what you know you should to keep this relationship good, or tell me about it if you mess up,” because we all do mess up now and then.

That being a known fact – that everyone will screw up multiple times throughout the life of the relationship – I argue that the second side of trust is being able to say back “And I trust you to make it as easy as possible for me to be trustworthy.” In other words, on the receiving end you are also responsible for maintaining trust in the relationship by being gentle and rational when the person upholds your trust by telling you something that you don’t want to hear.

I firmly believe that everyone in your life WILL do bad things – that’s being human – and you have the CHOICE to either know about those things, or not know about them, based on your reaction.

If your husband went to a strip club with his friends during a bachelor party and he knows that he can come home and tell you all about it and you will be objective, understanding, and forgiving, you will most likely get to hear everything that happened there, even though some of it makes you cringe. And though you disapprove of him going in the first place, you will certainly be much happier knowing about it. On the other hand, if he knows that going home and telling you this will result in you listening with an angry expression on your face, instantly questioning him suspiciously, and then giving him the silent treatment for three days, he’s understandably more likely to just tell you that they were go-kart racing and hide the whole thing to make things easier.

Same with parents and children – If your teenager tried drugs at a party and knows that you will flip out if you find out, even if he had a horrible experience and decided independently never to touch them again, he probably won’t ever tell you about it. However, if he knows that you will be calm and understanding, he will likely come to you to share his experience and you will be able to have a great conversation and be a much more effective parent then simply instilling fear of punishment in your child.

So, in this way, maintaining trust in a relationship involves both being trustworthy AND encouraging trustworthiness. I do believe that there is much more weight on the being trustworthy end, because ultimately when you are the person who has done wrong, you should take responsibility for being honest and forthcoming, even when you know it’s going to have a bad result. That being said though, it is also completely understandable to me why someone would start to become dishonest when honesty repeatedly gets them berated and belittled by someone who is also flawed.

The fear is that responding in a more gentle, non-reactive way might send the message that what the person did is ok and will encourage them to do even more bad things, because it is contrary to our instinct to show people, very clearly, our disapproval of their bad behavior. However, you want to TELL, NOT SHOW, the person that you are unhappy. When you respond in an objective way, rather than an emotionally reactive way, it flings open the door for conversation, and it is then that you can effectively and thoroughly discuss the behavior – a much more lasting effect than just showing the person that you don’t approve by punishing them with your reaction.

The key to this second side of trust is fully understanding and adopting the attitude that we all mess up, though maybe in different ways. Trusting someone should not mean that you trust them to be perfect. No matter how much someone loves you, they are not going to do what you want them to do 100% of the time, and neither are you, so you can help each other maintain trust in the relationship by making it clear that though you will want to talk problems through, you will not overreact when bad things do happen.

Quick Tip: Tone of Voice and Word Choice

Have you listened to YOURSELF lately??

One of my biggest tasks as a relationship therapist is coaching people on their tone of voice and word choice when communicating with those they love. These seem like minor details compared to the content of what we’re saying, but the truth is that they make the biggest impact on the listener. Most of us don’t pay attention to tone of voice and word choice as much as we should, and we especially don’t notice how much we fall into patterns or take after our parents or other strong influencers in our lives.

Here are some basic rules that you’ve probably heard before, but I really encourage you to check yourself often on these points:

Tone of Voice:

Do you tend to use a sarcastic, threatening, demeaning, bored, irritated, hurried, or otherwise negative tone of voice to convey something that you wouldn’t say in words? If so, try to break your patterns by thinking twice before you respond.

If not, do you make an effort to use a calm, warm, genuinely caring, patient, and loving tone of voice, especially when talking about something serious, touchy or important? Almost all of us can do better at this. Really think about how you can convey warmth to the person - no matter what words are coming out of your mouth. Some of this will also come from your facial expressions, posture, gestures, and eye contact. For a much more detailed explanation of this, see this past blog post:

We Need To Talk...

Word Choice:

Use “I” Statements

Using “I” statements simply means talking about how YOU feel (something you are an expert at), rather than telling the other person what THEY think and feel (something you really don’t know). This is a good rule to help keep the conversation non-threatening and non-judgmental so that progress will actually be made, instead of just falling into the blame game.

Bad: “You always criticize me in front of the kids. You better stop or I’m going to start criticizing you too.”

Good: “I often feel like you are criticizing me in front of the kids, and I’d like to talk about how we can change that.”

See how nasty the word “you” can sound when it’s thrown at you? The word “you” instantly causes the person to become defensive, whereas the word “I” invites conversation. Also, saying that you “feel” like something is happening rather than just proclaiming that it is happening demands conversation rather than fighting, because a person can always argue about what they do or feel, but they cannot argue about how you feel.

Asking Questions

We make far too many statements when we talk to people and don’t ask nearly enough questions. Questions can be a very powerful tool to get your point across in a peaceful manner, and a lot of the time you really don’t know all of the facts behind the problem, so you need to find out before you can make an effective judgment.

Bad: “You need to take out the trash! I’m so tired of having to remind you!”

Good: “Why do you seem to always forget to take out the trash?”

          “Is there anything that we can do differently to help you remember?”

          “What do you think would be a fair response from me in the future if you keep forgetting?”

I think it’s quite obvious which one of these conversations is going to get better results.

When the other person is asked for his point of view, he feels really cared about and able to express his thoughts and opinions, which automatically makes him more receptive to yours, and more accountable for his actions.

Keeping Statements Real – Avoiding Dramatic Accusations

Bad: “You’re always so selfish! You never think of me!”

Obviously no one is ALWAYS selfish and it is impossible to NEVER think of someone in your life. So, a more rational way to voice this concern (that is more than an occasional problem) would be:

Good: “I often feel like you behave selfishly and don’t consider me. I believe that you’re a caring person, so why is it coming across like that?”

Again, adding a question opens the door to productive conversation, rather than just making an offensive statement and then leaving the person to defend themself.

Also, did you notice the “you” and “I” statements again in this example??)

Always Combine Many Positive Statements with a Few Negative Statements

Our tendency as humans is to have extreme thinking, so when someone tells us something that needs to be improved, we automatically start to feel like it’s all bad. If you need to raise an issue with someone, it helps to remind them that you’re happy with many things about them, and this issue is just a small part of the total picture. Also, always chase criticism with compliments, not the other way around. No one likes to hear the dreaded “I love you, BUT…”

Bad: “You have been more on time lately, but you’re still irresponsible with the kids, chores and money.”

Good: “I’d like to talk to you again about taking on more responsibility in our home. I’ve noticed that you’ve really made an improvement in being more on time lately and showing me more affection – both things that I’ve really appreciated - so I know that you will also do better with just a few other issues.”

This isn’t sugar-coating the issue – you should only say things that you really feel are positive; It’s just helping yourself get the results that you want by keeping things in perspective (we all have strengths and weaknesses) rather than attacking the person and making them defensive instead of receptive.

These changes will make a HUGE impact on how others respond to you, but as I said before, making them often entails reversing long-established patterns or going against what you’ve always known in others around you. And that’s where the challenge lies.

When I coach clients in my office on these changes in tone of voice and word choice, they always wisely point out that the good examples take a lot more time than the bad examples, or “the way people usually say things.” This is very true – it does require you to sit down and have a little bit longer conversation. However, using effective communication means that you will get more satisfying, longer-lasting results with just one conversation, rather than having the same talk about the same issues over and over again. So, when you look at the big picture, being conscious of tone of voice and word choice really is a timesaver.

Another thing I often hear from clients: “Well, that’s just not how I talk. My family would be blown away if they heard me talk like that.” This also is a very true statement, and to that I say, it seems that the way you talk now hasn’t been working out the best for you, so it’s probably a good thing to step out of your comfort zone and try something new.

The way people will react IS a valid concern, because it WILL throw them for a loop when you first start talking in a more loving way and they WILL usually question you, mock you, or doubt that you’re sincere. However, after the initial shock wears off and they see that you are serious about doing better, it is also guaranteed that they will love you much more and you will have more peace between yourselves.

Change Is In The Air

Hello again! I took a break from blogging during the summer, but I finally completed the last part of my education and am now officially Dr. Malia.

Did you all have a great summer and lots of good times with family and friends?

Tomorrow is Labor Day, which marks the end of summer and the beginning of the season of change – changing leaves and temperatures, but also kids going back to school, and adults getting a little more settled into routine. The coming of fall seems to be a natural time for self-reflection and reevaluation, so I think it’s also a great time to think about change within ourselves and change in our relationships.

Change can be very scary. I often hear from people that they know that they NEED to change, but they don’t know HOW to make change. Here’s my 4-step plan to help you get on the right path:

1. Accept That Change Is Hard – For Everyone

It’s a simple statement, but it carries a lot of meaning for how to approach change. Here’s a
graph that I often draw for my clients:When our life is going downhill, it’s usually in a very straight line. So naturally, we expect change to be the same way going up. However, when we are trying to climb back uphill, it never is a straight shot. We do a little better, then we fail, then we do a little better, then we fall again – again and again, but as long as the general direction is up, we’re making good progress.

Don’t feel too discouraged when you have these downward dips, or else you’ll give up completely. As you’re trying to make change, you have to keep your expectations and assessments of yourself realistic, acknowledging this principle – that change is hard.

2. Start Noticing Problem Patterns

As I said, we usually know WHEN we need to make change, but when it comes right down to it, most people don’t know exactly WHAT needs to be changed. The first step is to figure this out by observing what exactly is going wrong. The easiest way to do this is by noticing patterns.

I had a father and son in my office the other day telling me about several big fights that they’ve had over the past month. As I was listening, I realized that all of the things that they were fighting about were problems that were out of their control – somebody being nasty at work, a pipe bursting in the house, getting sick, etc. Whenever something like this happened, they would start playing the blame game, trying to place blame on each other in a bad attempt to feel in control. On the flip side, problems that they really were in control of were usually resolved fairly peacefully. Once I pointed this pattern out to them and they were able to start to recognize it, they were on the road to change.

3. Seek Further Information

Change is especially hard to do on your own – that’s why we therapists are in business. It’s a hard thing to admit, but if you need to make a change, it means that you’re failing at something. So, find support from people who have been successful with that particular thing: Read self-help books or articles, find TV programs on the topic, talk to friends, family and professionals, attend lectures or seminars, and look up info on the web. Get as much information as you can to make the best change possible. A common mistake people make is finding solace in others who have the same weakness, but the reality is that you don’t need to know what NOT to do – you’ve already got that down- you need to know more about what TO do.

4. Begin Putting Effort Into The Change

The success of your change will be directly related to the amount of personal motivation that you have. If the change isn’t going to make that much difference in your life, then progress will be slow. However, if it’s a matter of life-or-death, you’ll find that change is much quicker. Unfortunately for a lot of us, motivation for change doesn’t come until things have gotten really bad.

For this reason, once you start implementing changes in your life, it’s very important to “keep your eye on the prize,” or keep yourself motivated. Do this by constantly thinking about how much better things are going to be once you’ve gotten through the hard part of actually making the change. You might hang up pictures that represent your ideal self or ideal life. It’s also important to have praise and smaller rewards along the way, which you may get from people around you or you may have to give yourself.

Once you find success, be sure to remember what methods worked for you so that you can then apply those strategies to other changes. No matter how many changes we make we will have to continue to make more changes for the rest of our lives, so it’s worthwhile to get good at it to make it as easy as possible.

Making Family Time = Fun Time

Are you spending some good, quality family time this summer? 

With kids out of school, reunions, trips, weddings, and cook-outs, summer tends to include a lot more family togetherness - which is great - but we all know that it can also be draining.

Here are some tips to keep together time from becoming overwhelming:

• Take care of yourself.
• The tendency during family time is to go along with whatever the group wants to do, but that can be exhausting after a while.  Be agreeable, but don't be afraid to maintain your own indivduality - if there's something that you want to do, speak up!  If you realize that you're fading fast, slip away for a nap or some rest time.  If you want to stick to a special diet, do what it takes to get healthy food, even when everyone else is indulging.    
• Along with that, realize that everyone needs a little alone time
• We naturally want to - and sometimes feel obligated to - maximize our time with family when it's available, especially if we're with relatives that we don't get to see very often. However, you can have too much of a good thing. Make some time out for yourself, even if it's just a few extra minutes in the bathroom. Then, when you are with them, you will be more present and focused.
• However, be willing to make some sacrifice.
• These days, family times are fewer and more far between then the good ol' days, so go into it knowing that it's just a brief part of your year, and be willing to be a little uncomfortable at times for the sake of happiness.  You might even think of it as a job, rather than relaxation time - you have to work and put effort into it, but there is a great payoff.
• Respect differences.
• Just because you're family doesn't mean that you think alike and act alike.  Also, even though you're family, it's still not your place to try to "fix" everyone, and you will only go crazy trying.  If your aunt's house has always been messy, don't expect it to suddenly be clean this time - just prepare yourself mentally for what you know is there.  Try hard to accept and even embrace differences.  You can still love each other just as much.
• Maintain a sense of humor.
• My husband and I have found that our best defense against going nuts during family time is to have a good laugh about it together privately.  Finding humor in the situation (or the people) helps you to take things in stride and not become negative.  When grandma says something ridiculous, we both just look at each other and smile, knowing that we will relive the moment later, rather than feeling frustrated.
• Talk about memories, but only the good ones.
• Family time can be stressful enough without bringing up bad memories.  One of the greatest things about your family members is that they have been there through most of the highlights of your life, so it's fun to reflect on those shared happy times, but there's really no need to bring up the bad and put a damper on the mood.
• Balance the conversations between light and fun, and heavy and serious.
• Face-to-face family time is definitely prime time for having good talks about feelings, goals, life events, etc., but too much of that will overwhelm you.  Mix in non-serious conversations to keep the time fun AND productive.  You all will be bonded closer when you experience both.

By having realistic expectations about family time, your summer will be a lot more enjoyable and a lot less stressful.  Work hard to build good memories and even though you'll be relieved when it's over, you'll still look forward to the next time instead of dreading more!

Quick Tip: Avoiding The Two Evil Twins

I have seen A LOT of different problems that humans face - and there are many different kinds - but without fail, the majority of them boil down to one or both of what I call "The Evil Twins" -
Boredom and Loneliness. 

 

People have an intrinsic need for stimulation and connection, and we just do not thrive when we are bored or lonely.  When either of these two conditions exist, the mind is left vacant and bad or weird thoughts start to creep in. 

Boredom and Loneliness seem to be epidemics in America, but I think that they are too often covered up with other names or fancier diagnoses.  Once you strip it down to basics though, almost any problem can be significantly improved by tending to these two basic needs. 
Here are some examples:

• Depression, Sadness, Hopelessness, Grief, etc. 
• These are the biggest ones.  Most people naturally isolate and become inactive when they are feeling down.  If you, instead, reach out to others, surround yourself with people, and get your mind on other, more pleasurable things, you WILL feel better.  Maybe not all the way, but at least significantly enough to function until the bad time passes.  Contrary to what a lot of us believe, sitting around ruminating on whatever has gone wrong will only make things worse.  You don't need "time" - you need to get yourself out there. 
• Anxiety 
•  Anxiousness and Nervousness are feelings based on anticipation - not the present reality.  Therefore, they are completely generated in our own mids, usually when we are not taking action.  Anxiety is a vicious cycle - people become fearful and then do nothing, causing more anxious thoughts to creep in and make them even more frozen.  The most anxious people that I have encountered are also the most bored.  If your mind is really engaged, you just don't have much time to worry. 
• Low Self-Esteem, Lack of Confidence, Body Issues
• These are also problems that happen in our minds when we are not fully stimulated by life or we are not surrounded by good support.  It's very hard to have low self-confidence if you have a lot of great friends and family and you are excited about things in your life. 
• Some body issues are real concerns, like being overweight or unhealthy, but again, this most often happens when we're not as social or active.  You are naturally more conscious of your physical state when you're around people a lot, it's easier to be healthy with support, and usually if you're not bored it means that you're up and moving in some way, rather than leading a sedentary lifestyle.  Also, eating has become a pastime in our country, so you won't do it as much if you're not looking for ways to fill your time.

Boredom and loneliness are also big factors in relationship problems:

• I have talked many times about the importance of keeping relationships fresh and active, and I think we all know well that the best way to feel connected to someone is to share activities. 
• However, your relationships will also be negatively affected if you are personally bored.  I have seen many marital problems that stem from one spouse having too much idle time on their hands and making problems bigger than they really are.  Or, you may become too emotionally needy if you are not engaged in your own individual interests.
• Likewise, relationships need other relationships to thrive, or you will be lonely within your limited connections: Don't just spend time with your kids - get involved with other kids and parents in a group or team.  Don't always just go out on dates by yourselves - do things with other couples to liven the conversation.
• Also, your closest relationships are healthiest when you also have outside individual friends.  It's very important to have "guy time" or "girl time" in addition to partner time, and you will be more present during family time when you also have mixed in friend time. 

When people are lying on their deathbed, they most often evaluate the success of their life by how much love has been in it and how much they've been able to experience.  This, to me, is the greatest evidence that boredom and loneliness are the two biggest obstacles to general life satisfaction.

So, make boredom and loneliness your enemies to stay healthy and happy.  Even when you face a problem that seems unrelated, first ask yourself honestly if you're really just bored and/or lonely, or if those things could at least be making the problem worse. 

The Key To Happiness, Part 2.

There has been a tremendous response to the previous post about accepting unhappiness in your life to find true happiness.  I'm glad that it was helpful to many of you, as I think it's a terrible shame to see people get so frustrated over a very normal life.

Actually, most people end up coming to terms with this concept - without knowing it -  in a much more painful way, commonly known as midlife crisis.

We are often able to cling onto the "Disney movie" idea of life - the "happily-ever-after" mindset that I described - that we acquire as children for quite a while into our adulthood, but inevitably, something will come along to completely destroy it.  It could be the death of someone close to us, the honeymoon phase of our marriage wearing off, having our first child and realizing that it's much harder than we thought, losing a job, getting old and/or fat, breaking up or divorcing, dealing with illness, accepting that a dream will never happen, or even just looking in the mirror one day and realizing that we've lost our mojo.
Whatever it is, for most of us who have not learned and accepted the true key to happiness - accepting unhappiness - it smashes our whole concept of how our life was "supposed" to be, and we are then forced to reconsider our whole identity.  Sadly, many people start believing that they have failed completely and fall into despair and never fully recover their joy.  Or, some even try to desperately continue to cling onto their Disney movie ideas, and as a result, live in denial instead of moving on - staying in a bad relationship, justifying being overweight and unhealthy, living off unemployment rather than getting another job because you don't want to take something "beneath you", or killing yourself to try to be the perfect parent.  Very few end up growing from the experience instead and adopting a more realistic outlook.

I had a couple in my office recently who have made tremendous progress in their marriage that they thought was over just a few months ago, but I asked them how they can now move even further and become "happy" rather than just "content".  They looked at me like I was crazy, looked confusedly at each other, and then replied, "Happy?  Is that possible?  I don't think we know anyone who's really happy!"  This grounded me.  They began listing all of their friends and family members, and the things in each of their lives that made them unhappy, and then concluded that happiness is just an unrealistic goal.

How have we come to this point as a society??  Why have we given up completely on general, lifelong happiness because bad things happen to everyone, and why have we become ok with all this despair?  Just this month, I even came across an article in a popular magazine, written by a fairly notable psychologist who proclaimed that happiness is so elusive now, that we should, instead, pursue fleeting moments of pleasure.  Very disheartening.

 
I am here to tell you that you CAN find true happiness, but it's not by believing that 'love is all you need', good luck is on it's way, or even trusting that God will make everything good.  So what do you do?  In the previous post I talked about training yourself to maintain a balance of emotions, and several people wanted more elaboration on this. 

Try this: Start with a moment of happiness, because it's much easier to be in control of your thoughts then.  The next time that you are watching your beautiful child sleep peacefully, have just gotten great news at work, are eating your favorite food, or anything else that makes you happy, catch yourself in your elation and consciously remind yourself that this won't last forever.  Take a minute to think about
the opposite condition that is sure to happen eventually - your child will be throwing a huge tantrum in the middle of a store, you will lose a big account at work, you will gain weight from your delicious feast, etc. 
Important Note - You should NOT become depressed by this.  In fact, the idea is to remind yourself that this happiness won't last forever, so you should enjoy the moment even more while it's there.

Try it a few more times, and then do the same thing during moments of sadness - when you are in the heat of an argument, keep trying to picture in your mind how great tomorrow will be once you've made up.  If you're nervous and anxious about a big presentation that you have to do, visualize how relieved you'll be in just two hours when it's over and you've done great.  Again, this isn't meant to make you feel better right away, but it will help you remember that "this too, shall pass".

As you practice these new thought patterns, be very aware of exactly how different emotions FEEL - the lightness of contentment, the gut-wrenching pain of anger and sadness, the heaviness of guilt, the high-flying feeling of elation, and the adrenaline rush of nervousness - because this will make it much easier to 1) be aware of the state you're currently in and 2) remind yourself of how the opposite way feels. 

Remember the idea of the waves rolling in and out of your life?  That's what you're forcing yourself to really become aware of.  Once you have fully accepted the concept of inevitable bad times and begin practicing this balance of emotion, you will eventually be able to actually FEEL the waves of emotion in your life, and you will never be caught off-guard.  THEN, you will know what true happiness really is.
    

The Key To Happiness. Really.

I have found the key to ultimate, lifelong happiness, and I am eager to share it. 
Of course, there are many keys to happiness and I'm sure that you have heard them all, but since it takes a lifetime to try to do all of those things well, the truth is that the real key to happiness is accepting that unhappiness is inevitable.

It sounds too simple, but for some reason most of us persistently have an all-or-nothing attitude.  We believe that success means living "happily ever after" - getting married and having blissful love for the rest of our lives, landing a great job and securing financial comfort, or having children and filling the rest of your days with joyful Kodak moments. 
Of course, logically we know that these things aren't reality, but we still seem to subconsciously hold on to these dreams and wishes in our hearts, and whenever any problem comes along we become completely crushed and fall into despair.  Then, when things eventually turn around again, we go right back to feeling like it's only uphill from there.

It's easy to see why all of these ups and downs can be disheartening to the point of general unhappiness when we always judge the overall success of our life based on whatever our present condition might happen to be. 

On the contrary, Buddhist mindfulness practices talk about viewing life as the waves of the sea - as sure as you can count on the tide rolling in, you know for sure that it will go back out again.  But, one is necessary for the other to happen. 
I love this analogy, because if we can adopt this view and come to fully accept that our whole life WILL consist of ups and downs, then we will expect and appreciate both and find true happiness in not having false standards for ourselves.  

When we are in bad times, we can take comfort in knowing that they will pass, rather than being filled with anxiety that our whole life is ruined and nothing good will ever happen to us again.  Likewise, when times are good we must always keep in mind that it won't last forever, so that we enjoy it fully while it's there and then not feel blindsided when the next challenge arises.

Think about romantic love - the most universal example:  When things are happy and blissful, you feel like your partner is perfect.  All the bad things fade into the background and you can hear angels singing as you remember all of your happiest memories.  But then, when you've had a nasty fight, suddenly the bad times seem to out number the good, you question why you ever committed to this person and you can't help but think about breaking up because you can't see any other way that this could be fixed. 
Why do we have such extreme thoughts, even though we've seen this unending relationship cycle numerous times in ourselves and others around us?  What if instead, we trained ourselves in the depth of despair to think "How is this going to be solved this time?"  rather than "Will things ever be happy again??"

Let me be clear - it sounds easier than it really is, so after reading this you're probably thinking "OK, I got that.  I should have true happiness now, right?"  It's not enough to simply have an understanding of this concept - you really have to sit with it for a while to completely incorporate it into your life.  Then, you have to learn techniques to keep yourself calm and grounded in the heat of emotion.  The trick is to never allow yourself to get TOO dragged down or TOO elated.  True happiness is maintaining a relative balance of emotions through all situations.

Think about it.  This is deep, but I promise that it will make you much more satisfied with your life and relationships.

What We Can Learn About Relationships From...Simon Cowell??

Tonight we bid farewell to Simon Cowell judging American Idol.  Since the show began, Simon has been the man that we've all loved to hate, and he will certainly be irreplacable.  As we will miss his role on this iconic show, I think it's actually a great opportunity to learn some relationship skills. 

At face value, Simon seems like the mean, unfeeling judge.  But, we can't get enough of him, and many people have said that it's because Simon always says exactly what they're thinking.  It's refreshing to hear the truth.
I think this reveals a very important problem in our society - people afraid to say how they really feel.  We are taught to lie, tiptoe around things, brush over things, or just omit our thoughts completely in order to protect other people's feelings.  Simon, on the other hand, is always very straightforward, even if it's hard to hear.  Though it seems like an act to generate entertainment value, I believe that Simon also genuinely has the intent of being 'real' with the contestants and not giving anyone false hope, so that they won't waste their time pursuing something that will never pan out.  Ultimately, this seems to be a much deeper form of caring than trying to prevent the sting of the moment.

While I certainly wouldn't recommend talking to the dear people in your life the way that Simon talks to the contestants, I do think that we should all try to be more like Simon, in the sense that we are more 'real' with those that we care about.  We need to think beyond our ingrained instinct to protect people and realize that dealing in clear, unmuddled truth is often the most helpful thing we can do.  It is possible to do what Simon does in a slightly gentler way, and I have found that people are always relieved to have straightforward facts, rather than playing the game of trying to sugar-coat things and decipher hints.

As a simple example:  I often hear frustration from men trying to find the right gift for their wives for special occasions, and then frustration right back from those women at not getting what they wanted.  However, neither one wants to talk about it, because the husband doesn't want to admit that he doesn't know what to get, and the wife doesn't want to make the husband feel bad for choosing the wrong thing.  Though at first thought it seems unromantic, if the husband could just tell the wife that he truly wants to please her but isn't good at choosing meaningful gifts, and the wife could just give him some recommendations of things that she would love, both would end up much happier.

There is also a great irony surrounding Simon's straightforward honesty - Whenever he tells the hard truth that isn't pleasant to hear, he is booed and hated.  However, when he gives well-deserved praise, it is then valued so much more than praise coming from the other judges.  The first three can say good things about a performance, but until it comes from Simon's mouth, the deal is not sealed.

Likewise, the praise that we give to those we love is much more effective when we are also honest with our criticisms.  If you are a parent and always tell your children that everything they do is wonderful and perfect, at some point they will realize that that's not true, and stop believing you.  Relationships are much more fulfilling when we can turn to them to safely get truthful feedback.  For more on this, see my recent post about being a mirror to your spouse: For All You Lovebirds Out There

Other traits that Simon has that we could all use to a lesser extent are confidence, a clear sense of his identity, and comfort with being true to himself.  Simon is all-around a one-of-a-kind character, but so is each of us, and we can never be really happy in our relationships until we know who we are and are confident enough to maintain that identity while being in relationships with other unique identities.  Simon loves wearing white T-shirts and is not afraid to do what he loves, even when others judge him for it.  We're all envious.

Simon has given us many laughs, but he has also shown us the respect that comes from daring to be different.  If you, like millions of others, have loved Simon, ask yourself how you can also be more loved.

 

Quick Tip: Unplugging

You've probably heard this a million times already, but it still seems to be a huge problem in our modern society:  A sure way to make all the relationships in your life better is to cut down your screen time. 

Between TV, movies, computers, video games, and even cell phones, we all spend an awful lot of time looking at screens each day.  While these devices certainly make our lives better in many ways, we know for sure that they do not make us more connected to others.  Why?  Because anytime that you're doing something that involves looking at a screen, you're not having quality interactions with other people.  Even if you're playing a video game with your brother, watching a movie with the kids, or relaxing on the couch after work with your spouse watching your favorite show, while you might be having fun together, you're not able to talk, look each other in the eyes, listen, or be fully present.  Plus, you're inactive, and we know from studies that sharing active experiences together is most connecting. 

Cutting down screen time is always one of the first assignments that I give to people who come to see me for counseling.  It's always a little bit hard at first, they are always very surprised to realize how much time screens have had in their life up to now, and they are always pleased with the results. 

So, this is something that you can do on your own. 

• First, simply become aware of how much screen time you have each day. 
• Write down everytime that you find yourself looking at a screen, with the exception of your work computer, and add up the number of hours per week.   
• Next, choose the areas where you can cut down your screen time.

• Some screen time is good - unwinding for a few minutes after work, watching something that all your friends will be talking about, or playing a video game at home instead of a night out to save money.  Keep the things that do promote connectedness in moderation.

• The red flag is screen time that promotes isolation or is excessive - anything more than an hour or two, watching a show that you've already seen several times or playing a game that you're not really into just to pass time, surfing the internet without a real purpose, or everyone in the house looking at different screens (dad working on the computer, mom watching TV, and son playing a video game).  Get rid of those.  

• Be smart to set yourself up for success - there's no way that I'm going to skip American Idol, so I cut back on other shows.
• Finally, find things to replace it with. 
• If you're with other people, do something that is more conducive to good conversation. In particular, remember that going to a movie is the worst kind of date, even though it's the easiest. Whether you're trying to get to know someone or trying to keep romance in your marriage, going to a movie and not talking will accomplish nothing. At least go to dinner beforehand, where you can have some good talking time.
• If it's time when you're alone, do something that's more productive and will make you feel good about yourself - exercise, clean out that drawer that you've been neglecting for months, or read a good book.

Sometimes, we use screen time to hide from issues that we don't want to confront with people in our lives.  If you recognize that this is true for you, then your first challenge is to face that fear and get those things taken care of. 

I know 100% that once you reduce your screen time and replace it with other activities, your personal life and your relationships will be much richer, and you will certainly be much happier!

Using and Abusing

Sadly, there has been a very common theme among the clients that I've been seeing lately:
Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are always a big issue, but my colleagues and I have all noticed a huge increase in addiction problems lately.  Most likely, this is due to the recession and the many stressors that have come along with it.  During the great depression, the United States saw a sharp rise in alcoholism, and many studies since have shown a direct relationship between financial hardship and addiction problems.  In addition, when people are short on cash, they're less likely to get the treatment help that they need. 

Sadly though, drugs and alcohol quickly cause relationships to crumble, only adding to your already long list of problems.  I don't think I need to go into detail about how addictions hurt relationships, but I will answer some other common questions:

How do I know if I have a problem?
Do you drink or use drugs more than 2 days a week?
Do you become high or drunk (unable to drive safely) more than once a week?
Do you think about drugs or alcohol first whenever you have stress, anger or sadness?
Have others around you mentioned your drug or alcohol use?

If you said yes to ANY of these, then your use is a problem.  Don't wait until you're blacking out, getting DUIs, or getting divorced to admit that it's too much.  
The appeal of drugs and alcohol lies in their power to make us forget our worries, not feel for a little while, and even be a different person.  However, when you use them regularly, the people in your life - including you - soon don't even know who the real you is, because they only know the person altered by substances.  Also, relationships exist to give us someone to turn to during tough times, but if you primarily turn to drugs and alcohol for help, then you are betraying your human relationships for your relationships with substances.

What do I do if I'm in a relationship with someone who has a problem?
First, decide if you're in or if you're out.  You either need to do whatever you can to help the person, or get yourself out of it completely, at least until they make serious progress.  Most people try to sit on the fence - waiting to see if the person will do something on their own - but this is not good for you or them.  They need to know how really serious this issue is to you.  

The next step depends on whether or not the person is aware and accepting of their problem. 
If they are, start by offering them compassion and support.  This might be hard if they have already done damage, but is necessary to move them towards change.  Then, gently suggest ways that they might seek help - therapy, rehab, AA, lifestyle changes - and offer to help them through the process.  Many people who have been hurt by an addict feel that he should do this on his own to prove that he wants to change, but I honestly believe that it's impossible to do completely by yourself - every addict needs some help, so don't be afraid to step in, as long as you're actually helping and not just enabling them. 

If the person is in denial, they need to realize that they have a problem in any other way besides you telling them or threatening them.  These things never work.  Instead, be creative.  Talk about becoming healthier in general and focus on other changes like diet and exercise, which may shine light on the addiction also.  Or, go to therapy for another problem, like making your relationship better, and the issue will likely come up there. 

If the person is very resistant, don't endanger yourself by persistently talking about it.  You can get back-up, like the interventions that you see on TV, or you may have to simply tell them that you will have to cut-off your relationship until they can get help.  You cannot allow your life to be ruined by their problem, even though it is heartbreaking to watch.

 

If I have a problem, what can I do besides AA?
This is actually the most common question that I get.  AA, NA and other 12-step programs have great success statistics, and they tend to be the first option that we think of to help with addictions.  But, some people just don't feel comfortable in these groups.  There are alternatives, but I want to emphasize the two most important things offered by 12-step programs, which you should find a way to incorporate in your program, regardless of what it is:

• Support
• 12-step groups provide a large support network, as well as individual sponsors.  It is crucial to have people to lean on who understand what you're going through, but also, you need to have someone to answer to - someone who knows what you're up to all the time.  Most importantly, people who use drugs and/or alcohol usually have friends who do also, and an important part of sobriety is getting new friends who support your sober lifestyle.
• Replacement
• Addictions need healthy replacements.  It's foolish to think that you're going to remove your addiction - which has been serving some purpose in your life - and not replace it with anything, at least temporarily.  AA provides something consistent in your life, so if you're not going to do it, find something else - church, a club, a hobby - anything that's healthy that you can turn to instead.

Even if you don't want to participate in a 12-step group, you must have some kind of structured plan.  Everyone who has ever told me that they're just going to quit now because they've finally hit rock bottom, has failed.

So what can be done at home to help beat addiction?
There are literally hundreds of things, and you should try as many as possible.  The idea is to fill up your life with other, healthy, activities, and keep your mind constantly on sobriety, so no matter how silly or out of the norm for you they seem, if you're really committed to change - try it.  What doesn't work is sitting on the couch and watching TV for hours.  Here are a few ideas:

• Journal
• Take walks
• Foster healthy friendships
• Play with your kids
• Make a collage of your life goals
• Exercise
• Learn a new hobby or pick an old one back up
• Read
• Write apology letters to people who you've hurt
• Do service
• Do art
• Take baths
• Play with your pets
• Go on dates with your spouse
• Do this workbook:

Anything that makes you feel good or helps you deal with stress, anger and sadness is going to be helpful.  Of course, nothing on this list has as powerful of an immediate effect as drugs or alcohol, but you will feel much better the next day.  It's important to constantly remind yourself of the big picture.

When drugs or alcohol are involved in a relationship, it's hard to fix any other problems until that one is addressed.  Addiction is, by far, the most damaging problem to have, and the hardest one to fix.  The greatest thing you can do for all the relationships in your life is to prevent it, or deal with it as early as possible.

For All You Lovebirds Out There...

With all the problems and hard work that go along with it, why do we get married or commit our life to someone else?  What do we get out of it?
Most people answer this question with things like "to always be loved," "to have support and companionship," or "to have a partner and friend."
But one of the greatest benefits of being in a committed relationship is the one that most people don't utilize: Being a mirror to your spouse.

Something that we can never do as individuals is see ourselves as other people see us.  However, we get this opportunity through a relationship with someone who knows us better than anyone and where we are secure in their love, even when they point out our weaknesses.  So, being a mirror to your partner means showing them the things that are great about them, as well as the things that they could do better at. 

Obviously, the first part is much easier than the second, but the good and the bad go hand-in-hand.  We tend to avoid anything "negative" - hearing or telling - but without taking advantage of the amazing opportunity to get feedback through the eyes of love, we can never grow or develop to our maximum potential.  I believe that you are doing a great disservice to your spouse if you do not occasionally gently show them ways that they could improve.  This could include an annoying habit, an awkward social situation, a weak personality trait, underutilizing a strength, or even the need to lose weight or be healthier.

Haven't you ever looked at someone and thought "Why doesn't someone just tell them...?"  I feel that this is a big part of my job as a therapist - to give my clients honest, yet loving, feedback about how they're coming across to others - and they are always very grateful for it, because most people won't just tell us these things that could help us so much because they're afraid to hurt us. But, really, who better to tell us then the one who loves us most?

I have seen far too many marriages where starting off, the spouses think that the best way to stay happy is to overlook problems and only be positive. Then, 10 or 15 years down the road, little issues left unspoken have compounded into much bigger things, and now no one knows how to even begin to approach it. Plus, we don't always realize that brushing over things is a form of dishonesty, so always trying to be "nice" ultimately leads to a lack of trust.  As long as you maintain the general ratio of 10% criticism to 90% praise, you can feel confident that you're not being too harsh.

In order to have such a rewarding relationship, you must first feel secure enough in your love to know that criticisms from your partner are coming from a place of love, truly wanting to help you be a better person, rather than an attack.  Both people must mutually accept that they are each imperfect, and have chosen to love each other knowing their imperfections, but want to strive together to always try to be better.  They must both internalize that their weaknesses are just the natural hurdles of life to keep you on your toes, and not potential dealbreakers.  Of course, this does not include damaging problems, like anger or drug or sexual addiction.  For those considering marriage, if you do not feel this type of security with your partner, then consider that a red flag.

However, even if you are at this level with your partner, you still must learn how to present criticisms in a way that will make them as easy as possible to hear. 

• Always accompany criticism with praise. 
• Keep it light - Use a tone that implies that this is just a minor fix, and not a huge character flaw.
• Mention your own struggles in the same conversation.
• Hug and kiss.
• Reiterate that you love them for always trying to be better.

So, if you have big relationship issues, get those solved first before you even attempt this.  But if your relationship is already pretty good, start to make it great by having a conversation with your spouse about being better critics to each other.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Elton John had it so right - Apologizing is tough!

Saying "Sorry" in a meaningful way is a skill that takes practice, but something that every relationship could use more of.  We are usually very quick to want an apology when we feel that we are owed one, but very slow to give one when we're at fault.  Why?  Because most of us just don't know how to do it well while also protecting our own egos.  As children we are taught to apologize, but it's usually a quick "I'm sorry" with little meaning or follow-up, and often accompanied by a dramatic eye roll. 
Here's a guide to teaching yourself as an adult to become a better apologizer:

-Start off slowly - First, just become comfortable with admitting that you're wrong.  
I had a really tough time with this myself, so I took baby steps.  Start by finding small, relatively insignificant things that you can apologize for: "I'm sorry that: I wasn't able to clean the house today, I forgot to let you know that I had to stay late tonight, I was distracted while you were trying to talk to me, etc..."  At first, just saying the words "I'm sorry" is going to take a lot of forced effort, but the more you do it, the easier it will come.  You may even want to start off by writing it in an email or letter. 

-Begin to realize what you should apologize for - it seems obvious, but is not always to the unpracticed apologizer. As you force yourself to find the little things that you can use for practice, you will quickly realize how many situations in life can be quickly smoothed over with an apology.

-Apologies are ALWAYS awkward, so try to minimize the awkwardness as much as possible. 
If you haven't been a good apologizer up to now, people are going to be a little surprised at first.  Go into it expecting to get weird looks or sarcastic responses the first few times, and remember that it's as different for them as it is for you, so they're just not sure how to react initially.  However, even when it becomes more frequent, people are never quite sure how to react to an apology, so I always try to follow it up with some humor, or change the topic pretty quickly.  Remember, just acknowledging that you were wrong is usually enough - it doesn't always have to be a long, drawn out conversation. 

-BUT, always make it meaningful. 
Even quick, simple apologies should let the person know that you really are sorry and you sincerely will try to do better.  Make sure that you look them in the eyes and maybe hold their hands or include a hug and kiss.  Use a sincere tone of voice - not like when you were a kid and were only sorry that you got caught!

-Learn that apologizing is actually a way to get what you want.
When you are quick to apologize, the people around you will naturally follow suit.  If no one ever apologizes, then the person who steps out and does it becomes the weak one, but once one person softens themselves, then everyone else can easily admit that they're wrong without having their egos threatened.  We have all experienced the awkward stand-off where both people know that they should apologize but neither wants to be the first one.  Don't be afraid to be the first one to give in, because ultimately you're the one who's making things better for everyone.  This is something that you have to think about for a while to really wrap your mind around.

In addition, when you apologize for the shortcomings that are yours to take responsibility for, then you can fairly make requests of what you would like the other person to acknowledge.  Example: "I'm really sorry that I've been missing a lot of important things lately, but I am pretty busy right now so I really need you to tell me ahead of time so I can plan in advance."  The "blame game" that I talk about so frequently can't happen when one person readily admits their own faults, so by doing so, you automatically create productive conversation that will give you results. 

-Remember that you don't have to receive forgiveness. 
The purpose of apologizing is to prove that you have gained insight about yourself and want to acknowledge your weaknesses.  It is NOT begging someone to love you.  Don't become a martyr and use apologizing to get the other person to reassure you.

-Once you have become comfortable with apologizing, slowly start to go deeper. 
Begin apologizing for bigger things, like the damage you caused when you were drinking too much, or the fact that you always tend to be too critical.  Conversations like this require sitting down face-to-face and really putting emotion behind what you're saying, but they create major healing and deep connection in relationships.  Fights will always happen, but if they're followed up with a good apology, then they will lead to growth rather than harm.

Quick Tip: Taking Walks

There is one very simple "prescription" that I give for EVERY relationship - parent and child, brother and sister, husband and wife, friends... - Any relationship can benefit from taking walks together.

It sounds almost silly, but I have seen the simple act of taking walks together make huge changes in relationships, and I strongly recommend this to be the first 'step' you take - whether your relationship is good and you want it better, or bad and you want to fix it - and something that you always continue to do.

Here's why taking a walk together is so great:

• Anyone can do it - Walking is easy and can be done to some degree by any age or ability level.
• It's Free - Even if you can't afford therapy or date nights, you can go on walks.
• Fits into any time schedule - You can walk for 10 minutes, go on a long hike, or anything in between.
• It's exercise, and we all need more of that.
• It gets you out of the house and away from the TV.
• It's relaxing and relieves stress.
• It is the perfect setting for good talks - No distractions.

Walking can also be a replacement for eating out together, which seems to be the #1 way that most of us connect with people, but is usually expensive and unhealthy. 

I don't know of anything else that has so many benefits wrapped up into one simple package.  It's really just foolish not to make walking a part of your life.

 

So, if you want to do something RIGHT NOW - excuse free - to improve a relationship in your life, Take A Walk!  Go to the beach, the park, around your neighborhood, or even around the shopping mall if the weather is bad.  You'll be on the path to success! 

Looking Out For Numero Uno: How To Win Friends and Influence People

People often ask me for book recommendations, and I have many, but there is no relationship book that I regard more highly than
How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.
My parents read this book to me when I was just old enough to understand it and would often reference it whenever I had people problems, but it continues to be the primary influence on my work as a relationship therapist.  This book is a MUST READ for anyone - It contains so much valuable information about dealing with people and will definitely make your life better in many ways.

How To Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1936, but every word is just as applicable today.  It has had astronomical success over the years and almost everyone has read it or at least heard of it, but it still seems like few people actually practice Carnegie's advice. 

It's impossible for me to even begin to cover all of the great points in the book, but I think the overall idea is learning how to get what you want out of the relationships in your life, and that's why I love it so much - I also believe that successful relationships happen when you focus on getting what you want, but that idea seems counterintuitive to most people.  Why?

One reason is because we are all taught from childhood that looking out for our own self-interests is generally selfish, but this is one of the worst things that we could ever believe.  Of course, if you are completely self-absorbed and never do anything for anyone else, then that's obviously a problem.  That's a rare situation though, and more often we grow up to become mothers who neglect themselves to try to do everything and more for their children, fathers who work overtime to make more money but then never see their families or pursue their hobbies, wives who have been eating at Sizzler for years because their husbands like steak but they dream of chinese food, friends who answer every call for help yet still feel lonely in their time of need, and employees who skip our children's birthday parties because we think that our boss needs us more.  Get the point?

You've heard all this before - not getting what you want out of life ultimately leads to unhappiness, even if you don't like to admit it.  Yet most of us STILL won't or don't know how to ask for what we want and get it.

Dale Carnegie teaches us that the way to get what YOU want out of a relationship is to first give the other person what THEY want.  I think to many of us, this may seem like a sleazy car salesman strategy at first glance, but the reality is that following this method allows everyone to get what they want, and when everyone gets what they want, everyone is happy and you don't have to feel that you're being selfish.

Here's a quick example: When I go shopping at Costco, the wholesale warehouse store, I really like my husband to go with me to carry all the big items and move them from the cart to the car and then into the house.  However, there are about 500 things that he would rather do with his day off, but he does love the giant churros, pizza and soda that they sell there at the cafe.  I used to drag him along mumbling and groaning through the whole store, and then he would get his treats after we checked out.  Finally, it dawned on me that a better way would be to get him his snacks as soon as we got there.  Now, he gets immediate gratification and munches and sips happily all the way through the store as I take my time getting the things I want.

At this point, I always hear from my clients: "But I shouldn't have to manipulate people!  They should just want to do things to make me happy because they love me."  And here I say: How does it seem selfish to try to get what you want, but not selfish to expect other people to do things for you without giving them anything in return?  Doesn't make sense when you think about it logically!  Figuring out a way to make everyone happy is certainly not manipulating them - it's caring about them too!

Sometimes, all people really want is respect, courtesy or attention.  This is primarily what Dale Carnegie focuses on, and it is truly an art to learn.  Last year my husband and I were trying to get to New York during one of the worst snow storms of the year.  Most flights on the east coast had been cancelled, and the airports were filled with angry people shouting at airline employees and threatening them.  Though I was frustrated too, I reminded myself that the weather was out of anyone's control and that the airlines wanted those flights out just as much as we did, so I remained very calm and treated the ticketing agent with respect and courtesy, and acknowledged what he must have been going through that night.  Sure enough, we were rerouted to our destination and given first class tickets on the only flight going out that night, when many others had just been turned away.

If you haven't read this book yet, you are really doing yourself a disservice.  If you have, read it again every now and then to brush up on your people skills.  And if you've also had a great experience using some of Dale Carnegie's wisdom, comment here or on the Facebook page and tell us about it!

How Much Is Too Much? Laying Down The Line By Having Good Boundaries

"Boundaries" is a word that gets tossed around my office a lot when people are talking about their relationships, but it seems to be a point of much confusion.  I have found that most people generally know when someone has poor boundaries or when their boundaries have been violated, but they usually can't define exactly what "having good boundaries" means.    
Boundaries are important in every relationship, from the most casual to the most serious, but what are they?  What does having good boundaries mean? 

Boundaries are basically rules that protect relationships by making everyone involved feel comfortable.  They can be spoken or unspoken.  Having good boundaries means not allowing other people to become too enmeshed in your life - to be close to you, but not too close

Having good boundaries includes: 

• Not continually responding when someone is too needy - setting limits on how much time and energy we give.
• Keeping professional relationships professional.
• Not telling too much too soon and not asking personal questions when we've just met someone.
• As adults, not allowing our parents to continue to dictate how we should live our lives.
• Ensuring that you and your spouse both have some alone time periodically.
• Not trying to be everyone's free therapist.
• Being reasonable about the number of family gatherings/events that you attend.
• Not sharing intimate details without the involved person's knowledge or consent.
• If you are in a serious relationship, being cautious about your interactions with friends of the opposite sex.

If you feel overwhelmed by someone or feel uncomfortable with their level of involvement in your life, then you have poor boundaries.  WAIT!! - Isn't it the other person that has poor boundaries??  Remember, both sides are to blame - so even though the other person is the one overstepping the boundary, you are also at fault if you allow them to do it.  We can't control what other people do, but we can control what we allow in our lives.

So, in order to set good boundaries, you must be a strong and confident person.  If you worry a lot about other people liking you, then you will usually go to any length to do what they want and stay in their lives and keep them in yours, which usually means letting down your boundaries.  Of course, the other extreme is being arrogant and pushing everyone away, so the trick is to find the happy middle ground of being a warm, generous and approachable person, but also maintaining good boundaries.

Ironically, when people have poor boundaries they are usually trying to bring people closer to them, but actually, too much involvement always ends up driving people away.  A good way to ensure success with someone whom you have to set boundaries with is to find other ways to reassure them that you care about them and will stay in their life.

I have also found that writing boundaries down on paper can be really helpful.
If you are setting boundaries for yourself, it will force you to really think about what terms you want to put on different relationships in your life to make yourself more comfortable, and then you will have a visual reminder whenever you find it difficult to say "no" or hold your ground. 
If you are setting boundaries that involve another person, then writing them down is also helpful to be sure that everyone's on the same page and in agreement.  For example, you and your spouse could sit down and come up with ways that you can maintain friendships with the opposite sex, yet have both of you feel comfortable with it.  Or, if you're dealing with a particularly invasive person, then you might sit with them and write down, so that there are no confusions, exactly what you will and will not do for them in the future. 

Too much of anything is never good.  Protect your relationships by keeping them in check with good boundaries.